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Ask Rob! The
Advice General
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Dear Reader,
Relationships, to be successful, have to be an equal meeting
between two people. Both people have to be considerate and
understanding of the other. I'm not saying that you have to be
submissive to the other's wants and needs, but you have to be
understanding as to why those needs are there. And be willing to
work fairly to meet those needs, as long as your needs are also
being met within the relationship.
Early in any relationship the ground levels and rules of how the
relationship will progress are being made. Often this is called
'Playing The Game'. The winner is the one who gets their way and
ends up with a submissive partner. But in reality, both people
lose. Respect starts eroding and the seeds of discontent are
planted, to later grow into large relationship obstacles.
The good news is that there are warning signs of starting a
relationship with a controlling person. When the controlling
behavior is recognized then choices about whether to continue
the relationship can be honestly made. Here is one letter that
reveals the beginning of this behavior.
Hi Rob,
I've met this guy from work who was married for 11 years and has
2 daughters but has now been divorced for seven. He lives alone
except for having his daughters several nights a week.
We have been to lunch twice and dinner once. The dinner date was
fantastic and we both really had a good time. There is
definitely some serious chemistry between us. He's very
complimentary of me and I of him.
This connection with him started back in April of this year and
as you can see we've only been out together 3 times. Last week
he started calling more frequently but the conversations are
usually pretty quick. He seems to only ask me out every 4 weeks
or so. And when I've asked him to do something he turns me down.
Last weekend he asked me to go to a wine tasting and when I said
I wasn't really into that and later asked him to do something
else he turned me down.
Also on several occasions he has not answered or returned my
phone calls and some emails but when I do the same to him, he
immediately questions me about
it. Like why didn't I call or why didn't I answer his email.
What is going on with this guy? Is he interested? Is he just a
player? I would definitely like to spend a lot more time with
this guy but the relationship is ONLY on his terms at this
point. What do you suggest?
Thanks,
B
Hi B,
It seems to me that he's a controlling personality.
Any relationship you have with him will quickly turn into a
possessive one, with him 'owning' you. He's interested in you
but only so far as he gets what he wants, when he wants it.
You're not important enough for him to devote any real time with
you, that's why your emails and phone calls don't have the same
urgency as his do. That's why he wants to do things that he
wants and doesn't care about what interests you. And I doubt
that when you turn him down he goes somewhere alone. He either
doesn't go, and sits at home stewing about it, or he finds
someone else for company.
I'd leave this guy alone. Seriously, until he's mature enough
(despite his current age!) to think of others instead of just
himself it'll be a rocky road traveling to any level of
intimacy.
Sure, he may have issues that have isolated him from the dating
scene, he may have been burned in the divorce and is
untrusting... But hey, it's been 7 years, time enough to have
regain respect for others. Time enough to move on from the hurt
and start learning to trust again.
If you continue to press for a relationship by seeing him, there
will be couple's counseling in your future, with the main
complaint being his uncaring attitude for your feelings and
needs. And he'll rely on a poor rack record with women to
explain his actions.
I hope his daughters don't find a guy like daddy.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Dear Rob,
I
need to have signs of a controlling mate - for my daughter. She
has been alienated from family and friends through him. We are
desperately trying go get her to recognize this controlling,
verbal abuser she's living with, not married to.
Please give me something that is short enough that she will not
refuse to read, but get her attention.
Thanks.
Hi,
I hope this helps:
Sometimes a controlling person becomes an abuser. First
verbally, then physically.
It's hard to recognize the fact that someone is abusing you.
Love does conquer all right? Time heals all wounds, right?
And, the person does say they're sorry, that it won't happen
again.
Well, as the saying goes "Fool me once shame on you, fool me
twice, shame on me!"
The controlling
attitude often is followed up with verbal abuse:
-
You're fat
-
You're lazy
-
You're cheating
on me
-
I don't know why
I keep you around
-
Nothing I do
(the abuser) is ever good enough for you
-
Nothing you do
is ever good enough for me
In anger, the controller/abuser will throw all kinds of verbal
assaults your way, making whatever is happening out to be your
fault, regardless of the truth. Once he/she has cooled down the
apologies will flow and the promises that they didn't mean it
and it won't happen again may attempt to persuade you that they
love you still.
When the abuser
cools down you can expect:
If you allow yourself to be complacent with these apologies,
accepting what was said to you, then you are enabling the abuse
and allowing the stage to be set for it to happen again. And
again.
Oftentimes it is only after family or friends witness this
happening, or you speak to someone about it, that you realize
this is abuse.
Your next move should be to distance yourself from the abuser
before the abuse becomes physical. Oftentimes this step will
require the strength of family and friends to help you through
this tough period.
You can be sure there may be threats to yourself and your
family/friends who support you at this time from the abuser,
furthering the fact that it was indeed abuse that you were
suffering through, not some misguided love emotion, or seemingly
helpful advice from that person.
Having the courage and strength to look for a better life
partner and a better life for yourself is the most important
step you will ever take.
More often than not, verbal abuse becomes physical abuse. And in
some instances the partner is killed.
There are resources available for you. Please check your local
telephone book for abuse hotline numbers. Call the police when
you feel threatened by the abuser's actions.
Do not hesitate to put yourself out of harms way. These warning
signs may save your life.
12 signs of a controlling personality and potential abuser
1. Jealousy
2. Blames others (including you) for his faults, him being the
way he is
3. Blames circumstances for his problems (it's not me, it's how
life is treating me)
4. His behaviour is unpredictable and you don't know what to
expect from him at any time, in particular how he may greet you
5. He belittles you verbally, tries to take away your
self-esteem and self-respect
6. He cannot control his anger and directs his anger at you
regardless if his anger is due to something he feels you did or
someone/something else
7. He always asks for a second chance to behave better
8. He says he'll change, that he won't do it again, after he's
finished his tirade
9. His family resolves problems with violence, a history of
violent behavior in his family, with brothers and sisters,
against parents, his parents were argumentative and/or abusers
10. He plays on your guilt. (If you loved me, you'd...")
11. His behaviour often worsens when he uses alcohol or drugs,
easily becoming uncontrollable
12. He is close-minded. His way is the only way and you'd better
always do as he says.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Hi Rob,
I was reading your web site and it was great. I seen that I
could email you for some advise and I am very much in need of a
man's advice. This was my situation. I met a man about 15 months
ago. We hit it off instantly, and began dating. It was a world
wind. After two weeks of dating he ask me to go on vacation with
him to Cuba. I am American, however he was Canadian so I was
able to travel to Cuba with him as my host. For course I said it
was too soon to ask a question like that. From the very
beginning he would ask me question to clarify that I was looking
for a committed relationship and I was committed to him and not
dating other people. I explained that I did not know him long
enough, however yes I was looking for a committed relationship
but I believed that dating is a process and should not be
rushed. The third week he ask me if I would like to come to his
house and spend the weekend but I felt it was too soon and I
wasn't comfortable with spending the weekend at a man's house I
barely knew. He seemed very understand and patient with that.
Then the 4th week he said he would like to take me to Toronto
for the weekend. Well, we had been dating now for 5 weeks and
though there was no physical relationship I trusted him enough
to go. Of coarse it was at the finest hotel and finest food.
$2000.oo is what he spent for this weekend and made sure I knew
that on several different occasion. We continued to date for the
next several months and the sky was the limit. And I mean the
limit. Nothing was too much or too expensive. Five months into
the relationship he proposed marriage and had bought a 2.5
carrot diamond. I wasn't totally comfortable with that I thought
it was too soon for a marriage proposal. But I accepted because
I knew in my heart if I had said no or not yet the relationship
would be over. I wasn't ready to let it go and I did love him,
just no sure if I wanted to marry him. He would talk about our
life together and had everything planned out. We were getting
married in Greece and buy this great house and retire in five
years. I am a very independent women. I have a very good job and
a great pension, so I am not looking for a man to take care of
me, however care for me. Big difference. I explain this to him
and he said he understood, but now I question that. He too make
very good money and has a great retirement. He said he could not
be married and not work while his wife worked and that he wanted
us to retire together. I am only 46 and he was 49. I wasn't sure
if I could depend on someone else's income and give up all I
have worked for many years. His response was that he made enough
money and there was no need for me to work. He wanted to travel
which we did three time a year already. I started to slow the
relationship down telling him I loved him dearly, however what
is the rush. If it is the relationship of the century we will
have the century to enjoy it. By this time I truly wanted to
marry him but things needed to slow down. I felt rushed and
pushed into something I wasn't quite ready for.
This is the thing, after I slowed things down and made some
changes to the plans things started to change. Though he still
was very good to me he started questioning if I was seeing other
people, which I would never do to someone, he started
questioning who I was talking to and asking me to stop talking
to male friends that I had known for over 5 years. These men
were great friends to me and help me through some hard times
when my mother pasted away. I explained to him that I do not go
for dinner or out with these two male friends, but I did
intermittently communicated via email and phone. That still
wasn't good enough he wanted me to have no contact with them. I
explained that I felt uncomfortable with that and very guilty.
They were wonderful friends and there for me I have no just
reason to stop talking to them. He did not care and felt I
needed to understand how he felt and end the relationships.
On several occasion maybe 4 he broke up with me in a rage
because we had a argument or he didn't like what I said, usually
twisting what I said and taking it out of context. He took
everything as a immediate attack. When I would tell him this is
controlling behavior he would accuse me of being controlling. He
would check on the internet to see if I had an ad posted. I gave
this man no reason to believe that I was cheating. I always was
where I said I was and I always home when I said I was home. We
did not live together however was planning on moving in together
in March. I thought that was amble time after dating a 1 1/2
years and I believe it is important to do before you marry
someone. I seen on several occasion very low tolerance level of
frustration and an explosive temper. I started to become
concerned. He broke up with 3 times after the engagement and
then wouldn't talk to me for days. Almost as a form of
punishment. Finally after several days he would calm down enough
for me to reason with him.
I started to pull back knowing something wasn't right and things
got worst. Finally, it all came to a head, we had a fight and I
was on the couch just trying to reason everything in my head. He
want to go to bed and I said I was going to finish watching the
TV program I was watching. A documentary on Steve King. He went
to bed. 5 minutes later he came out of the bedroom asking me if
I was sleeping on the couch. I said no I was watching the
program. He flipped out accused me of lying and playing game and
that I was crazy. Gave me 20 seconds to get dress (I was in my
PJ) and get out of his house. Now understand I was in Canada 30
miles from my home and no means of transportation because he
picked me up. I told him I was not going anywhere in the middle
of the night, at midnight. I was a women and out of my element
and afraid to walk the streets at that hour. He didn't care, I
tried to reason with him and he crab me and held his hand
tightly over my mouth telling me not to speak or he would murder
me. This is the first and only time that he ever physically
touch me ever. Though I had seen explosive behavior sometimes
over nothing he never touched me.
I didn't say a word nor did I try to challenge him. I told him I
will get dress. May I have a few minutes to collect my things
and I will leave. He said you have now 15 seconds. How insane, I
simply could not get dress and collect my things in that short
of time. After 15 seconds I of course was not ready. So he
called the cops saying I was an unwelcome guess that would not
leave his house. He went out on the porch I collected most of my
things and ask for his assistance. Trying to defuse the
situation. Insane but he came in the house and said. "Your
taking all your stuff??" I looked at him and thought I lost my
mind. He was making me crazy. I replied. "You just kicked me out
of your house and said never to call you, of course I taking my
things and trust me I will never call you again!!" He freaked
out again and told me "then give me back my ring". I replied "I
will be give you my ring when I have collected all my things and
I am safly home. At that time I will gladly return the ring. He
said NO!!! NOW!! I said no goodbye. That ring was my insurance
to get out of a bad situation. I left with what I could carry
and proceeded to walk until I could find a bank to get Canadian
money and to call a cab. He never came looking for me, too my
knowledge. I was lucky enough to meet up with two women that
stayed with me and called a cab. After $40.00 I was safely home
and kept the ring. I figure I deserve at least that...:-).
I am so sorry for the length of my story, however I believe you
can never ask for someone advise and or opinion unless you give
the whole story. Was I right in my assumption that this would be
a controlling relationship. And that explosive behavior is one
of the biggest signs of a controlling personality. Isn't it
true, that people with explosive behaviors will become violent
if you buck them and they do not get their way. Or challenge
there behavior in any way. Why would a man spend so much money
on a women and define his love that way. I am not kidding when I
say in 15 months if this man did not spend 25,000.00 to
30,000.00 on me he didn't spend a dime. Of course he would
always say things like "You are some lucky you met me." joking
of course. The spending habits, (though he could afford it, he
made great money), the low tolerance of frustrations, the
holding of his temper and comment like. I can cut anyone off in
a heartbeat, when I decide its over, it's over and I never give
it another thought. All began to scare the hell out of me. I
have decided to not try and reconcile this relationship, though
I have in the past (always me) when he broke it off. I guess I
need a man's advise to this situation. Or an confirmation that
my thought pattern is correct. I feel maybe he bought me so much
and treated me so kind so that I would over look the short
coming of his temper and controlling behavior. Could this be
true. Or did my fears make this happen by arguing with him? Hell
of story, huh... titled "Prince Charming gone Wrong" lol Just a
little humor there. Please email me when you can... I would
greatly appreciate it. I would like a sound man's advise!! :)
Thanks and Have a great day!!
B.
Hi B,
You are right, he is controlling with tendencies to violence.
You're lucky he didn't hurt you more when he kicked you out.
The signs were all here and you saw them coming.
He lavished expensive trips and gifts on you in the hopes of
making you totally dependent on him.
That's why he wanted you to quit your job and end contact with
the friends you had.
It's also the reason he wanted you to marry him so quickly.
This is nothing that you did, nothing you started. Your are not
responsible for his bad behavior.
Some guys are just out of control emotionally and vent their
anger through intimidation and violence. They are worth
identifying and distancing yourself from as soon as possible.
Many women accept these behaviors from the man they are with in
the hopes that they can change him, that they can please him
enough that he won't be so possessive and controlling. They are
fooling themselves. The behaviors continue and usually get
worse. The women accept the blame for his anger - they are too
intimidated and lacking in self-esteem to correctly understand
that this is not something they started or deserved.
You were right to end the engagement and the relationship the
first time he touched you in anger.
Good for you.
Keep the ring, or better yet, take it to a pawn shop and get
some money for it. Then mail him the pawn ticket.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Dear Rob,
I started dating this 31 year old Puerto Rican male two weeks ago
and I am only 20 years old. It feels like he is pulling strings or
he seems to be a puppeteer because he makes some orders or sets up a
schedule with me when he is available for me. He tells me that I am
better than him and that he will talk about it someday. I have gone
out on two dates with him and we have been in an intimate level.
Sometimes he seems to be inconsiderate. Sometimes he hangs out with
other females. Should I just leave him alone and not see him
anymore?
Hi,
Yes,
Dump him. Now!
He will use you for sex and throw you away when he's done. Or worse,
he will control you, and everything you do. These "ignoring"
sessions are set to break your will and allow him to do whatever he
wants while controlling what you do.
Don't let this happen.
Stay away from him, break off all contact.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
For Men
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
Disclaimer: ©2006-2012 AdviceGeneral.com.
This article and any articles published by "Ask Rob! The Advice
General" are for entertainment purposes only. For complete terms and
limitations please go to: www.advicegeneral.com
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