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Ask Rob! The
Advice General
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Dear Reader,
I've recently received a few
emails that followed one basic theme:
"I am bored with my partner with whom I've had a long term relationship. I
don't want to end this relationship but I find myself wanting more. What
should I do?"
Some of the emails also included
the fact that there are children involved, some from the same relationship,
some children are from a relationship of the partner with previous people.
All of the emails included the fact that the couple was not married now and
there was not a likelihood of marriage in the future.
Maintaining a relationship is
one of the hardest things a person can do - after all, you have to give of
yourself completely to give love to your partner. This isn't an easy task.
Once you've committed completely (and I mean committed everything by the way
of marriage) you have to work to be a couple. Two people, distinct of each
other, yet less than the whole.
If your commitment doesn't
include marriage, despite whatever protestations, what do you have? Not
much. You have to work even harder because there is no assurance of your
commitment.
Your shared property of: Cars.
Vacations. Sex. Paying the bills. Furniture. Pets. Houses.
These are things. They are not a commitment.
Marriage, "The union sworn
before God, that no man may separate", gains a lot more significance when
you've been in a long term relationship and your partner still refuses to
marry you. You have to wonder why. I know that I do.
Why would you continue a
relationship where you have no 'absolute security' of your union, your
relationship, your family?
Every relationship begins with a
"White Knight".
He is the guy that will fill the
need you have. Rescue you from your dismal, relentless, drab life. If only
for a moment.
The moment that you've lost your
"White Knight" is the moment that you've discovered and admitted to
yourself, that marriage is not going to happen for you.
A sad day indeed.
Here are the advice requests
that I have received:
Hello Rob,
Rob, I’m lonely and I need a cuddle! Silly, pathetic, isn’t it? I know
that’s not possible over the net, but you know what I mean yes?
I live with my partner and we’ve been together for 20 years. We have 2 young
children. I’m 45 but fee 25 inside.
I would love to meet someone exciting and have an affair. That’s my
Christmas wish for 2005. I know, be careful what you wish for. What can I
do.? I have so much passion inside me bursting to get out – but not with
him……………Life is passing me by and I don’t know what to do.
Help
G
Hi G,
I really feel for you.
But you know deep down inside that an affair isn't the answer.
My Christmas wish for is is this:
If he won't create the romance, you do.
Plan a special night together. Get the kids looked after. Have a bottle of
wine, a nice meal (catered in so you don't have to do anything!) Watch a
nice sweet movie.
Marriage is something that you have to work at.
All too often we fall for the lies that the TV and entertainment news tells
us: how people are having romantic interludes all the time, affairs don't
cause any victims, promiscuity is condoned.
The real reality is that marriage is something we have to work at every day.
Romance can be accomplished in the little things, romance doesn't always
have to be the "full blown, swept off your feet" variety. Even the simple
things can spark romance.
When I used to work outside the home my wife would write small love notes
and put them inside my lunch bag and jacket pockets.
Sometimes I'd come home and the kids would be elsewhere, she'd have candles
lit, appetizers warmed, and soft music playing.
If you feel your passion bursting through you, it's because you need to
share it. Find the right way to share it with your husband.
You'll be better for it.
Trust me.
Best wishes,
Rob
Hello Rob,
Thank you for your sweet message. Your wife is very lucky. But you see, I’m
not married, we’re not married.
We have different religions, although I don’t see why that was a problem. It
was just an excuse on his part.
Anyway, what if I don’t want the sparkle back with him? Quite honestly, I
don’t know if there would be anything left.
We share the same business but not the same bed. We also share the 2
children. That’s all. So, you see – I am in a rut. What I can do Rob? Why
can’t I find someone like you? Do you have any legible friends?
G
Hi G,
I hate to say this, but if you're not married, why not?
It seems to me that he's getting the milk for free all these years while
making only a half commitment with you.
Marriage should always be first and foremost the goal of any true and
lasting relationship.
It's time for you to make your principles known to him.
The marriage, the ring, or you'll move on to someone that does want to marry
you.
You're not missing romance, you're missing the companionship that comes with
a man and a woman totally committing themselves to each other.
I wish I have better advice for you.... but it's not a rut... this isn't a
temporary thing you're in.
If he can't make the commitment and you no longer have the energy to put up
with the status of your relationship now, it's time to make decisions.
An affair is a coward's way of having the decision made for you, don't do
it.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Hi Rob,
It’s a long story, but I’m a Catholic (not practicing now) and he’s Church
of Ireland and I guess we ran parallel lives, and, probably still do. He did
buy me a ring in 1988, but not with the intensions of marrying me. I know
that doesn’t make sense, but that’s how it was. If he asked me to marry him
now – I would probably say no. I love him, but I’m not in love with him.
If I can have a shot at any type of happiness/passion or whatever, and the
only way is to have an affair, then I will – I need something,
someone…………….soon……………………..
Now I feel really sad. The kids ask me what’s wrong – I say I have a
headache – which is true now.
I’ll sign off now. Thanks for the chat. I hope we can do it again.
G.
Hi Rob,
I'm in my 40's and have been in this relationship for almost six
years ... the last 2 1/2 years have been long distance, since he
had to move away for work (a six hour drive)
Over the last 4 years, we have talked about getting married at
some point in the future, however he is not divorced (he's been
separated since before we met) and says he's waiting for the
right time???
Am I being naive in thinking that he will ever divorce his ex?
He has not been on good terms with her, as she has tried to come
between us many times in the past, although lately it seems like
she may be getting over it.
I have told him that it doesn't seem like we ever will get
married, 1) because he won't get a divorce, and 2) because he
lives in another city; he says I'm accusing him of being
insincere, I think he likes the "idea" of getting married, but
he's not prepared to take the steps to make it happen.
I am curious to hear your opinion about this situation ...
Thanks
Hi,
My mom has a saying, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free?"
This guy doesn't need to get divorced as long as you continue
the relationship with him.
You're obviously not that important that he's getting the
divorce, no matter his protestations.
He's the insincere one, and he has a controlling aspect to him.
I'm sure you've noticed that. He needs to be right. If you have
an argument, eventually he forces you to apologize, or he just
drops it to bring up later.
You need to dump him, you're not going to get those 6 years
back.
Geesh, he's had 6 years to get a divorce and you wonder if he's
sincere?
Time to move on.
Best wishes,
Rob.
*
Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to
help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated
as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the
best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone
that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental.
And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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