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Hi Rob,
I am married for almost two years now and my wife has been
talking to her professor a lot lately and they met a few times.
I told her that I am jealous and asked her not to be so close to
him especially she told me that he likes her. I asked her if she
likes him and she said no but she thinks he is interesting. She
told me she has her right to have her friends. Do you think she
is going to cheat on me? What can I do? I don't really trust her
now.
Best regards,
Johnny
Hi Johnny,
Well, I guess the honeymoon is over now and you've got to deal
with the world as it now pertains to your marriage.
Join the club!
You've got to keep in mind the principles that keep a marriage
alive:
Trust
Love
Openness
Faithfulness
Respect
Without these 5 things there really isn't a marriage, it's 2
people sharing a place to live, legally, and occasionally having
sex.
Because a marriage consists of two individuals, each with their
own personalities, interests and friends, you have to allow
growth in those areas. If you try to control or suffocate your
partner you'll drive them away.
There is no room for jealousy.
At the same time, if your partner is playing by the rules as
I'll spell them out, there will be no problem with you joining
them on one of their meetings. Your introduction to the
professor should not be an issue.
You will each have your own friends but there should always be a
level of access that is available for you, and your wife, to
each other's friends.
I see no reason why you can't share an address book that has
everyone's phone number in it. You never know when an emergency
can occur and you'll need to have that number at hand.
At the same time, don't be overbearing in your demands.
Trust demands that you let the other person have freedom.
Love means you put their needs ahead of yours.
Openness means that you can communicate about any topic, without
the communication becoming angry, spiteful, meanspirited or turn
into a full-blown argument.
Faithfulness means that, before anyone else, you put your spouse
on your list of people to love.
Respect means that you won't accuse without clear evidence of
wrongdoing, you will always have understanding as to your
partner's actions and intentions.
So, this is what you do:
Ask your wife if you can join her for her next meeting with her
professor, or have him invited over to your house. If you both
trust each other this shouldn't be an issue. If she doesn't
agree, tell her that you love her, but are insecure about the
time she spends with the professor and being introduced, having
time with the professor together with her, will alleviate your
feelings of insecurity.
And don't sweat it. Unless your wife has a history of being a
cheater, I wouldn't start thinking ill of her. She deserves to
have her friends and her course won't go on for ever.
Best wishes,
Rob
*
Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to
help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated
as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the
best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone
that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental.
And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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