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 by Paige Parker
Author, "Dating Without Drama"
www.datingwithoutdrama.com
This Article: The only
way to overcome that fear is to face it and discover, through new
experiences, that there are wonderful men out there.
Hi Girlfriend,
Isn't it funny how some movies and TV shows GLAMORIZE the
single life?
They show fabulously dressed and perfectly coiffed women dashing through
crowded city streets in their $600 designer shoes to meet their hunky date
at the hottest new bar.
They sip fancy drinks, laugh, say things like, "your place or mine?" and,
once they've had a little fun, move onto their next prospect without a
second thought...much less a broken heart.
But let's get REAL.
MOST women don't change men like we change our shoes. (And the shoes WE wear
cost $60, not $600!)
We get into relationships. These relationships get complicated, even messy.
Hearts get broken. Sometimes, even though we marry with best intentions,
marriages don't work out.
Unlike the women on these glamorous shows, we have REAL responsibilities in
our lives beyond getting to our waxing appointment on time (for example,
raising children from a previous relationship).
So what's a REAL woman with REAL feelings and a REAL past to do when a
relationship ends and she's ready to get back in the dating game?
Well, that's what we're talking about in today's DISH!
Whether you're newly single after:
* the breakup of a long-term relationship
* divorce
* some self-imposed "alone time"
or any other reason...
I'm going to give you some TIPS that will help you get back on the dating
scene in style!
So, let's get DISHING!
*******************************************************************
DRAMA OF THE WEEK #1:
"How Do I Get Back In the Game After a Broken Engagement?"
*******************************************************************
Here's a recent question from a reader:
Dear Paige,
For nearly three years I was dating my ex-fiance, but after finding out that
he cheated on me for nearly the whole three months we were engaged, I broke
off the relationship.
Now here it is almost two and a half years later, I have began to wonder is
there a such thing as "True Love?"
Since my ex, every man I have thought about getting close to I always find
some way to make them my friend and I don't ever cross that line. Is this
normal or am I using the friendship excuse to avoid moving on?
My ex was married with in a year of us ending our nearly three year
relationship. At times I feel as though I should be married and starting a
family myself, but at the same time I also feel as though I don't ever want
to settle down.
Paige, I am needing some outside advice. Some of my family and friends tell
me it's time to start dating again and others tell me not to rush things.
What do YOU think?
Thanks~
Shelby
*******************************************************************
PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #1:
"New Experiences Will Help You
Learn to Trust Again"
*******************************************************************
My response:
Dear Shelby,
I'm sorry to hear about your broken engagement, but I am so proud of your
strength to end a relationship where you weren't being treated with the love
and respect you deserve.
Speaking of, you ask me if I believe that "true love" exists. My short
answer is: yes, absolutely, but I'd like to clarify.
My definition of "true love" is not to be confused with the fairy tale,
happily-ever-after, everything-is-rainbows-and-sunshine misconception.
REAL couples have challenges to overcome and disagreements to work through.
But when it's TRUE LOVE, both people care for and respect one another as
individuals and are committed to working together to allow one another to
grow and become their best selves, as well as make sacrifices and
compromises for the good of the relationship.
(I explain exactly what a 'Drama-free' relationship looks like - and how to
go about creating one - in Chapter 14 of 'Dating Without Drama.')
Now let's talk about your pattern of establishing friendships with men. It
seems to me that this is your way of dipping your toe into the dating pool
(so to speak) without jumping in completely, and I think that's just fine.
It's only natural that you would have some trust issues with men after
discovering that your fiance had cheated on you, and developing friendships
with the opposite sex probably feels like a 'safe' way to spend time with
men and enjoy their attention without making yourself too vulnerable.
That being said, if one day you want to enjoy all of the wonderful things
that go along with a romantic relationship, you'll eventually have to jump
in that pool. The good news is, once you date a few men who are faithful and
considerate, that positive reinforcement will make your fear of betrayal
start to melt away. So I encourage you, when you feel ready, to allow
yourself to date a man you're interested in before he crosses into the
'friend zone' and get some new experiences under your belt. Soon you will
feel stronger and more in control of your dating destiny.
You'll notice that I said 'when YOU feel ready' to date. Your family and
friends love you and want to see you happy, so of course some of them will
to try to pep-talk you into getting back into the dating game. You asked me
what *I* think you should do.
The truth is, only YOU will know when you're ready to date again, and it
won't be the result of a calculated decision. It will have nothing to do
with comparing your personal time table to your ex's. As much as it may hurt
to see that your ex has moved on so quickly, remember that it doesn't
necessarily mean that he's HAPPY. Don't use his life choices as a measuring
stick by which to evaluate where you are at any moment in time. There is a
wonderful plan for your life, and he foolishly forfeited his right to be a
part of it. In fact, he doesn't deserve another second of your energy
thinking about him!
When you're ready to move on, you'll feel the shift within you. You'll
naturally begin to feel attracted to new and interesting men. You'll feel an
openness in your heart and a desire to connect with another person.
Just don't confuse FEAR with not being ready.
Every woman who takes that brave leap back into the dating world after a
break feels some apprehension, but the only way to overcome that fear is to
face it and discover, through new experiences, that there are wonderful men
out there (who are nothing like your ex). TRUE LOVE *does* exist, but you
can't find it if you never open your heart again.
I wish you every happiness in the world."
*******************************************************************
DRAMA OF THE WEEK #2:
"I'm a Single Mom...I Need Encouragement to Get Back in the Dating Game"
*******************************************************************
Here's another question from a reader:
Hi Paige,
I have now been single for a little over 12 months and have taken this time
to sort through all of my baggage from my previous 8 year relationship, I
now feel like I am ready to enter into the dating world.
I seem to be having a couple of problems in doing this.
1. I was so young when I first got together with my ex I don't really feel
like I have any dating skills.
2. I have a child and whenever I mention that fact (my daughter is someone
that I am very, very proud of and feel extremely blessed to call mine) they
all run for the hills screaming that they are not ready for anything
serious.
I, at this point just want to start getting my feet wet and have some fun,
the prospect of having to kiss a few "frogs" is all part of the fun. I am
not looking to replace my child's father nor am I looking for a new one for
her.
Please help me overcome my problems.
Kathleen
*******************************************************************
DRAMA OF THE WEEK #2:
"Single Mamas CAN Date Without Drama!"
*******************************************************************
My Response:
Hi Kathleen,
Before I get to the meat of your question I want to say a little something
about the term 'baggage.' Now this might not apply to you, but I worry that
amazing women just like you might get down on themselves, thinking that they
have all this 'emotional baggage' from their past that weighs them down and
makes them somehow less lovable or desirable to a new man.
Our life story - our past, our choices, even our mistakes - is what make us
who we are (strong, resilient, interesting, dynamic - I could go on).
So as I say in 'Dating Without Drama,' I challenge you - and all my readers
- to 'think of your so-called 'baggage' as a fabulous accessory - a gorgeous
designer handbag, if you will, filled with valuable life lessons and glowing
pearls of wisdom that you've learned from your years of experience.'
Deal?
Ok...now on to your question!
You say that you don't feel like you have any dating skills. First let me
say that almost everyone feels this 'rusty' feeling when they venture out
onto the dating scene again after a break. In my opinion, dating success is
30% skill and 70% confidence, and I can help you with both of those!
Unfortunately I can't take you through all of the advice I have for you here
since it would be a book...
...But the good news is, I already wrote one!
Have you checked out 'Dating Without Drama' yet? In it, you'll learn:
* how to attract and meet great men
* how to flirt and use body language like a pro
* step-by-step strategies to make an irresistible impression on a date
* the rules about calling (emails, IMs & text messages too!)
* how to take your relationship from casual to committed
* communication skills
* and MORE
I even devote a chapter to the second part of your question (Chapter 12, the
section entitled 'Dating Without Drama...
for Single Mamas):
www.datingwithoutdrama.com
But until you get a chance to read Chapter 12, here's a sneak peek at what I
have to say about those men who "run screaming for the hills" when you tell
them you have a daughter:
'LET THE LOSERS RUN! Sure, there are guys out there who might get freaked
out when they learn that you have a kid. I say, let them run! You're looking
for a quality man who will love you for everything you are and will welcome
your child(ren) into his life. If he bails in the beginning, good riddance!
He wasn't the right one for you or your wonderful family. Remember, there
are a lot of guys out there and you only need to find ONE good man to make a
match.'
Refer to Chapter 12 for tips on how to let potential dates know about your
single mom status, and Chapter 3 for creative places to meet good guys.
I hope this helps, Kathleen! Please send me an update and let me know how
you're doing!"
*******************************************************************
DRAMA OF THE WEEK #3:
"I'm Going On My First Date Since My
Divorce and I Need Reassurance!"
*******************************************************************
Check out this reader question:
Hi Paige!
I am halfway through your book and I'm very thankful to have this as a
guide. I was doing OK by myself and after the break up of my 17 year
marriage I decided to join a Catholics' singles group. I saw that was one of
your suggestions, so at least I'm on the right track!
I have my first date coming up this Saturday! I met a nice man at a group
gathering last weekend and have a date for next weekend. Dinner and then out
to a dance recital at a big theatre in the City. I've been nervous since I
haven't dated since I was 19. I guess all this stuff applies to divorcees
too? He's divorced and so am I...so it should be quite interesting. I'm very
nervous and I'm hoping to finish your book by next Saturday.
Any suggestions for the newbie who hasn't been out in almost 20 years like
this? Is it different when you're "older" and have had some life experience
with marriage and kids? I'm going to memorize your first date rules prior to
Saturday, but wondered if you had any other advice? I'm 38 and he's 48. He
has a daughter and I have a daughter and a son. We share the same
faith...after that...not sure what to do next!!! HELP!
Dawn
*******************************************************************
DRAMA OF THE WEEK #3:
"You Can't Get to 'Perfect' Without Practice, So Take the Pressure Off This
Date"
*******************************************************************
My Response:
Hi Dawn,
You are going to be great on Saturday. You sound like such a bright,
intelligent, fun woman.
You mention that you're halfway through my book... You might want to flip
right to Chapter 12, the section entitled 'Dating Without Drama...After
Divorce.'
Until you get a chance to dig in, I want to point out two important points
from that chapter for you to remember on your date:
'* HAVE FUN.
As you start to date again, don't forget to enjoy yourself! Think of it as
an exciting adventure - a chance to get out, experience new things and new
people. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to get serious right away.
In fact...
* THE NEXT ONE PROBABLY ISN'T "*THE* ONE"
It's a common phenomenon for women who've gone through a divorce to fall
head over heels for the first new man they meet. This isn't always the
healthiest thing that can happen. That's because they might not be seeing
that new man for who he is, but rather who he is NOT (anything like their
ex-husband). After years of experiencing the security that comes from being
in a marriage, it's only natural to seek out a partnership with someone else
to regain that sense of security, but try to resist that urge until you have
a more solid foothold on your own life. I'm not saying that it isn't
possible that the next man you meet will be the right one for you, but until
you're sure that you're seeing things for what they truly are, keep your
eyes open...and your heart open to the possibility that there are other men
out there for you.'
In addition to the first date advice in my book, all I can say is just enjoy
yourself! The best dates are when you take the pressure off yourself and
realize that it doesn't HAVE to go perfectly.
Be yourself, laugh, EAT (guys love it when women actually eat on dates
rather than pick at a tiny salad!)... and remember that every date is worth
it - even the not-so-fabulous ones - because it's an opportunity to learn
more about yourself and what you're looking for in a man.
You already know about one another's children so there's already that level
of acceptance before date 1. My advice is just to remember that you are
amazing and you have so much to offer the man you decide to share your time
with. Be confident and know what a catch you are - confidence is soooo sexy!
Do me a favor and let me know how it goes, ok? I'll be thinking of you next
weekend!"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I hope today's Dish has been REASSURING (you're not the only one who's
gearing up to get back on the dating scene)...
ENCOURAGING (with a little confidence boost and some brushing-up on your
skills you'll be a dating diva again in NO time)...
and MOTIVATING (you're ready to learn how, NOW!).
Learn exactly how to get back in the dating game - and play to WIN - with
the NEW rules for modern dating. They're all in my e-book, "Dating Without
Drama!"
To download your very own copy (and get the answers you're hungry for NOW
before you plunge back into the dating pool) just follow this link:
www.datingwithoutdrama.com
Have a fabulous, flirty, drama-free weekend!
Write ya again soon.
Your friend,
Paige
PS - Got a friend who's getting back in the game? Spread the love and share
my tips - forward her this article now!
(c) 2007-2008
Dating Without Drama,
Robert Lee and Cheerful Attitude Web Design Ltd. All Rights Reserved. By
accepting and reading this article you agree that: You understand this to be an opinion and not professional
advice, it is only to be used for personal entertainment purposes, you are solely responsible for any use of the ideas, concepts, and content and will hold
the authors harmless.
Article may not be reprinted without express written consent.
http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com
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