Your Guide To Quickly Getting Back Into "The Dating Game" After A Divorce Or Breakup By Ken Kennedy www.Double Your Dating.com
When it comes to getting out there and dating different women, there's one emotion that's a true killer to the experience.
You'd think when a long relationship ends, most guys would go out and sow their wild oats with a bunch of different women, right?
I mean, after being "tied down" to just one woman, us guys are chomping at the bit to get out there and sample the pleasures of as many women as possible, right?
What happens most of the time - even to guys who would really like to have
the experience of meeting and dating different women - is one of two things:
Either we go a LONG while without dating ANY woman at all, and spend a lot of evenings alone at home watching TV, or throw ourselves headfirst into our work to forget the fact that we're alone and lonely and feeling sorry for ourselves.
Or we get sucked into a relationship with the first or second woman we meet who is willing to give us sex, shutting the door on the possibility of experiencing other women.
Now, personally, I think this is downright SAD.
You take a guy who's relationship has just ended and who wants to go out and meet different women.... and instead he either becomes a workaholic, gets sucked into another relationship, or jerks off at home.
Talk about brutal. But hey, it happens to the best of us.
I have to admit that when my relationship ended, I succumbed to these various pressures for awhile.
It was a dark time.
The question I'm curious about is why does this happen? And what's the solution?
Why aren't more guys able to put the past behind them, and start having the adventurous single life full of women and fun that they want?
Is it because they don't know a great pick-up line?
Is it because their closet is stuck in the 90's?
Is it because they don't know how to meet that cutie at Starbucks, on the plane, or at the grocery store?
Don't get me wrong, you need to learn to address each of these areas and I can help you with all that stuff, but there's a DEEPER reason why men struggle with dating after a break-up or divorce.
And it's this deeper reason - and the solution to it - that I want to talk about in this article.
THE EMOTION THAT TRIPS UP MOST GUYS
When it comes to getting out there and dating different women, there's one emotion that's a true KILLER.
That emotion is SHAME.
Deep down inside, most guys feel some level of shame about dating different women at the same time.
They feel "conflicted" about it.
On the one hand, they would like to spend time getting to know and having fun with different women.
But on the other, going out and dating a bunch of women raises all sorts of sticky ethical issues.
You want to be a "good guy" and not "dick over" women. I get that.
But what happens if you go out and successfully meet a bunch of different women.
Now you're faced with some difficult questions like:
– Aren't you being a jerk if you date more than one woman at the same time?
– How do you tell a woman that you're dating that you're seeing other women too? And how can you avoid her freaking out when you do?
– What if you want to sleep with a woman but you want to keep it a 'casual' relationship?
Unless you have answers, you won't feel confident about navigating these waters. Women will sense that you're not quite comfortable with the situation.... that something is a bit "off" with you... and you'll never hear from them again.
But don't worry - I'll give you specific answers to each of these 3 scenarios later in this article. First though let me tell you something that will help you get MUCH more out of the strategies I'm about to reveal.
DATING IS DIFFERENT THAN RELATIONSHIPS
One of the things you may have heard me say before is that dating is different than relationships.
It's one of those things that sound so simple, but it has far reaching effects for your life.
For example, despite more and more women becoming open to bisexuality and threesomes, the fact is that most relationships are EXCLUSIVE.
Dating, by definition, is NON-EXCLUSIVE.
What does this mean?
When you're in a relationship with Sally, she has a right to get pissed off if you start hanging out with Mary.
But if you're DATING Sally, she really doesn't have the right to get angry. Just like you don't have the right to get angry when you find out that Sally likes to hang out with Joe in between her dates with you.
This is the nature of dating. It's non-exclusive until the two daters discuss and decide to become exclusive. Then it's no longer "dating"... it becomes a "relationship."
Sure, it seems simple... but the point I want you to get is that when you are dating, by definition, IT'S OK TO DATE OTHER WOMEN.
There's nothing wrong with it.
It amazes me when a man gets his briefs all tied up in knots about dating other women - and then finds out that the one woman he's dating is dating 5 other guys BESIDES HIM.
And then his perspective shifts COMPLETELY.
Think of dating like a free trial period. You get to try out the product for a limited time. You're not obligated to buy it.
If it's not a good fit, you can go on your merry way and feel perfectly fine, knowing that you didn't take advantage of the offer. The product just wasn't right for you.
Then you get to continue shopping.
WHY YOU'RE BEING IRRESPONSIBLE IF YOU DON'T PLAY THE FIELD
Not only is it not WRONG to date different women, it's actually ESSENTIAL to your long term happiness - and it prevents you from doing a lot of damage to the different women you meet through the course of your life.
Let me explain by telling you a quick story:
Two guys are walking down the street when they come up to a building with a sign that says, "Free Ice Cream Store."
They go inside and ask the manager, "How in the hell can an ice cream store stay in business when the ice cream is FREE? What's the catch?"
The manager says, "Here's how it works -
I'll let you try any ice cream flavor you want, once, for free.
After you choose your favorite I'll give you a lifetime of that particular flavor for FREE, but there's 2 catches:
First, you have to come in here once every week and have your one favorite flavor.
Second, if you skip a week or decide you want to change your favorite, you have to pay me $1,000."
These two guys thought this was a great deal, so they of course agreed to take the manager up on his offer.
The first guy went straight to Rainbow Sherbert, took one bite and said, "Oh my god! This is delicious! This is my favorite - I'll take it!"
But the manager said, "Are you SURE this is the one you really want?"
The first guy said, "Damn right!"
So the manager made a note of it.
The second guy started off sampling Rainbow Sherbert, and although he too thought it was delicious, he also sampled Jamoca Fudge, Pralines and Creme, Strawberry, Banana, Chocolate... and every other flavor in the ice cream shop.
As the second guy sampled different flavors, the first guy started to feel jealous. He was curious about the other flavors his friend was trying out.
Eventually the second guy decided on Rocky Road, and the manager made a note of it.
Time passed, and every week the two guys came in and ate their favorite ice cream flavor.
But pretty soon the first guy's sense of curiosity got the better of him, and he demanded that the manager let him try the other flavors.
"As I told you before, it'll cost you $1,000" said the manager.
"Fine!" and he paid the $1,000 (yeah, he was a bit desperate at this point).
He then tried Rocky Road - which he loved - and then Pralines and Creme, Strawberry, Banana, Chocolate... and every other flavor in the shop.
When we was all done, he decided on his one true favorite - RAINBOW SHERBERT - the same flavor he had started out with!
He was disgusted with himself - especially since his friend who took advantage of the free samples now had $1,000 which he didn't - but in the end he couldn't complain because week after week when he ate his Rainbow Sherbert, he knew there was no better ice cream for him in the entire store.
- - - - Silly story? Maybe.
But I hope the point is clear:
It can be very expensive to change your mind about certain things. This is nowhere more true than when it comes to WOMEN.
It's in your best interest - and in the interest of the future women in your life - to experience the variety that's out there so when you make your choice, you're DAMN sure it's what you're really after.
SHE SECRETLY NEEDS YOU TO DATE A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT WOMEN
Have you ever given any thought to the kind of guy that an attractive, in-demand kind of woman wants to be with?
The more of these kind of women I meet, the more it strikes me that when attractive, intelligent, powerful women are looking for a guy, they all say something like "I want a guy who has gone through the phase in his life where he's dated different women, and he's gotten to the point where he really know what he wants."
Now, there's a bit of a paradox here, because obviously no woman is going to meet a guy and tell him that the only way she'll hang out with him is if he goes out and dates a bunch of OTHER women.
What a woman wants is a guy who has ALREADY dated a bunch of different women.
Go out and talk with a few attractive, secure women. You'll find that what I'm saying here is true.
Most women understand that a man needs to go out and date a bunch of different women to really decide for himself what kind of woman (or women) he wants to spend his time with.
It gives a woman a feeling of SECURITY when you're crystal clear on what you want - and it also gives you a calm, secure presence that women find irresistibly ATTRACTIVE.
WHY THIS CAN CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF YOUR LIFE
I'm convinced that one of the biggest reasons relationships fail is because one or both of the parties involved haven't gotten out there and dated a bunch of different people.
Playing the field isn't just some luxury that gives us guys the pleasure of getting our rocks off with different women (although there's nothing wrong with that as long as everyone knows what they're getting into).
I believe that playing the field is actually a duty every man has to himself - and to the women he'll meet - so he gets perspective and figures out beyond a shadow of a doubt what he needs to be happy.
Without getting clear on what you need in terms of women, it's too easy for your life to become a string of failed relationships.
If you did the breaking up in your last relationship, this may have been one factor that contributed to it.
And if your ex did the breaking up, this may have been a factor in her making the decisions she did.
HOW PLAYING THE FIELD MAKES YOU MORE ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN
I also believe that dating different women is one of the best things you can do to become the kind of guy who naturally attracts women.
Here's what I mean:
One of the things women hate the MOST is a guy who is NEEDY.
And women have finely tuned radars when it comes to figuring out which guys are needy, and which aren't.
There are two ways to stop coming across as needy to women:
The hard way is to put on an act and pretend you're not really needy - when in fact you are.
The "easy" way is to REALLY BECOME NOT NEEDY.
And the most direct path to do this is by DATING DIFFERENT WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME.
Because neediness is a lack of resources.
Let me repeat:
Neediness is a lack of resources.
If you're feeling needy about women, it's because you don't have enough women in your life.
When you put more women in your life, the neediness AUTOMATICALLY goes away.
You don't have to work on it. You don't have to act "as if."
You'll just automatically start acting differently - you'll naturally get that relaxed, confident vibe that is like CRACK for attracting women.
Most guys never see that dating multiple women isn't some sort of nice goal or accomplishment- it's actually a necessary step in getting them unstuck.
HOW TO DATE DIFFERENT WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME, IN A COMPLETELY ETHICAL WAY
So now that I've made my pitch that you need to get over your shame and get off your ass and get out there and meet a bunch of women, let me share you with a few tips on how to handle yourself in an ethical way when dating different women.
- How do you tell a woman you're dating that you're seeing other women too?
The simple answer is that you don't have to tell her until one of three things happens:
1. You or her bring up the topic of becoming exclusive with one another
2. She starts calling you her boyfriend, tattoos your name on her left breast or butt cheek, moves in, or all of the above
3. You're about to have sex with her
Until one of these 3 things happen, there's no reason to specifically bring it up with her. Remember, you're dating... you're not in a relationship.
Now, that being said, I wouldn't withhold the fact that you're seeing other women from her.
If she wants to see you on a night that you have a date with someone else, tell her you have plans with someone or that you have a date.
Remember, you're dating... you're not in a relationship.
- When I sleep with a woman, how can I keep it on a 'casual' level and avoid getting sucked into another relationship before I'm ready?
Here you need to have what I call an Expectation Conversation.
Just like the name implies, you need to let her know what your expectations are, and what her expectations should be... and you should always do this BEFORE you sleep with a woman.
If you don't, you run the risk of turning her into a PSYCHO and creating all sorts of not-so-fun drama in your life.
So you say something like, "Sally, I really enjoy spending time with you, and I want to take the time to get to know you better. I also want to be upfront with you and let you know I'd prefer to keep things light and fun and casual between us until we know each other better."
When you say this, she'll definitely know that you're saying you don't want to have an exclusive relationship with her although you're okay if things progress to a physical level... which brings us to our next question -
- How do you keep her from freaking out when she finds out about other women?
When you have the Expectation Conversation, a woman will respond in 1 of 3 ways:
1) She'll be totally cool with a casual relationship, and the two of you will start having sex immediately - if not sooner.
2) She won't be cool initially, and may even leave, but after she thinks about it she'll warm up to the idea and soon after sleep with you.
3) Casual relationships are just not her thing, and you'll never see her again.
Option 2) is what happens most often.
If she's not cool with a casual relationship at first, the most important thing you can do is be accepting of her reaction and don't freak out.
Whatever you do, don't try to convince her to change her opinion.
Just act totally cool and understanding about her decision.
Switch gears for the rest of the evening and act like it's not a big deal, because it isn't.
Say goodnight, then call her a couple of days later. Don't bring up the Expectation Conversation again. Just meet up with her, enjoy each other, and see where things go.
Given the time to think about it, and without pressure from you, she'll usually decide that she's curious about what it would be like to be with you even if she's not getting the commitment she at first thought she needed.
And then just see where things go. You may be pleasantly surprised...
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To your success with women,