Carlos Xuma: How To Play Her Hot And Cold Game

Carlos Xuma of Dating Dynamics author of 'The Dating Black Book'

THE DATING BLACK BOOK breaks dating strategies down in its entirety, from preparing to meeting to passing women's tests. It's the most complete strategy available. I'll even tell you how to interpret their behavior and figure out which kind of woman you're dealing with - and most importantly, how to avoid the bad ones.

QUESTION To Carlos:

Carlos,
I've definitely been working on my dominant male attitude, and feel a lot more confident around women lately, not intimidated, and not feeling like they're anything better than me. Women have been offering me their numbers more (many times I don't even ask), but I still have some questions, since I don't think I have this all figured out.

1. I know you have that advice about only staying on the phone long enough to set up the next date, but I've had a couple women who want to keep talking, and I end up talking for about half an hour on the first phone contact...should I always have an excuse about how busy I am and that I have to get going?

2. Secondly, I'm a pretty independent guy, and, though I know lots of people at the clubs I go to, I normally go there alone. Sometimes girls ask me the question, "Do you normally go out alone?", and it seems like they're fishing to see if I'm normal and have friends. I usually say that I go alone, that I'm fairly independent, but that I usually know a lot of people there. Is that answer OK, or should I lie a bit, and say that I often go out with other friends?

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3. Finally, here's a specific situation--

I met a girl dancing a few weeks ago on a Saturday night, we had a good time dancing, and some fun conversation. I joked with her about her being high maintenance when she complained about the water she was drinking at the club. Anyway, she lives far away, so I didn't think I'd pursue it, and didn't ask for the number. But at the end of the night she offered it to me.

I called her the following Tuesday night, we talked for a while, but I was busy that weekend, and she was busy with an exam the following weekend (she's also a single mother and a nurse, with crazy hours), so didn't make any concrete plans, she just said we should keep talking.

I wasn't super-interested, but thought I'd keep the lines open by sending a short little email (it said "I had some great water today, and thought of you", referring back to the initial teasing), but she never responded.

I ran into her the other night dancing, and she was super-friendly and glad to see me initially. But she also seemed to be into another guy that was there, a friend of hers (she mentioned him a couple times), and when dancing with her later, I got the feeling she wasn't really into it. When I got this vibe from her, I decided to back off and not pay her as much attention, and then she seemed to get more cold toward me, as well. I left the place without saying goodbye, and a bit confused and frustrated by her sudden change of attitude toward me.

I would like to have this girl as a dance partner and be on friendly, flirtatious terms with her. I thought about asking her what was going on, even via email to make it less confrontational. Is this a viable option?

Even more confusing, she sent me a cute, funny email today (it was one of those forwarded, joke emails, but she only sent it to me and one other person, so she must have intentionally done so)--I was wondering if this was her way of trying to re-open the communication...and if so, how do I respond? By questioning her strange behavior, or pretending nothing happened? Or simply wait till I see her again, and act as if nothing happened?

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Carlos Xuma Replies

Okay, since you obviously know I like to do things "by the numbers," we'll hit these one by one...

1) Just because a woman wants something doesn't mean she gets to have it. End the conversation with a quick and confident, "Look, I have to get going. I'll see you on Thursday, right? Great."

Ba-da-bing.

You're off the phone. You don't even have to have an excuse. You can also say, "Look, I have to go somewhere..." or "Hey, there's someplace I need to be, so I'm going to let you go."

2) No need to lie. Tell her that you have friends there, and you like to go out and meet new friends. I like your bit about being "independent." That's what she needs to hear.

Remember, it's not what you say but HOW you say it.

Think about the cockiest thing you could say to her question of "Do you normally go out alone?"

Try:

"Do YOU normally have to go out with friends?"

Or

"Yeah, I do. Pretty confident thing to do, huh?" Smile.

3) There are a couple of things here that need to be pointed out.

First, you said you weren't all that into her. So, if that's true, why were you spending all that time and energy on her, all that thinking about her, and the time it took to write me about her?

I can tell you right away: She was challenging to you.

She intrigued you by being a little uncertain about her interest in you.

Also, her change of attitude is par for the course. Women can turn on a dime. They're fickle and weird as they see fit.

I can tell you that she lost that lovin' feeling somewhere before that point, and the more you purposefully behaved distant, the more she picked up on it and used it to justify her own pulling away.

The best thing to have done would have been to turn up the "funny guy" mode that night and proceeded to pal around with her new guy friend.

Then, tell her she's got a great catch. Tease her about being really in love with him. And joke that if you were gay, you might try to steal him from her. And don't let her know if you're serious or sarcastic.

You see, you let your confusion and attention undermine your attitude with her.

Women can totally sense when you're playing the "what's the vibe" game. When they think you're reacting to their reaction, they sense a guy who's not a dominant male. He will come across as easily manipulated by emotion.

Not attractive to a woman.

Second, you took certain actions on her with a certain result in mind. When they didn't work out the way you wanted them to, you became frustrated, and then more attracted and interested in her.

Dating Dynamics

You can't act like an Alpha Man if you take actions and need to have certain results. Because, when you don't get what you want, you become frustrated and doubt your actions. You can only act truly from a non-needy and independent place when you DON'T CARE what the results are.

I'll give you an example:
Last night, I got a call from a hot gal who was into me, and I was into her, but for a couple years now we've never been able to get it together.

She called me at 1:45 AM.
In the middle of a pretty cool dream, I might add.

I chatted with her for a few seconds and then I made it clear she was interrupting precious sleep cycles, and she got the hint. She said she'd call me today, the day I'm sitting here writing this newsletter. I honestly don't care if she does call me. I deleted her number from my cell phone a while back because she was wasting my time.

I acted hard-to-get and a little put off on the phone with her last night, and it was REAL. I did this because it was what I knew I needed to do with her. Put her in her place, and yet leave her an opportunity to make good on her promise to "call me."

Not because I needed or even WANTED her to react a certain way, but because I knew that anything else would just be the WRONG THING for me to do. No matter what the result.

It's called "we'll see, who cares." You have both of those attitudes running at the same time.

You see, no action is genuine if it's sole purpose is to make another person behave in a certain way. It can ONLY start with your desire to behave in the way you believe you should.

Now this may seem contrary to what I tell you when I say that if you do X, you'll get Y from a woman. You WILL get X, but you have to be willing to NOT CARE if you get Y.

Ya dig?

Think about acting not so purposefully. In other words, be who you're going to BE, and don't let external points of reference dictate your confidence and behavior.

The second her coldness affected you and you reacted to it, she lost her attraction because it was obvious that your sense of self and happiness relied on her opinion and behavior towards you.

Next time, laugh it up! Have a blast!

YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN GOOD TIME!

Think about that, and make it your mantra when you go dancing.

What you do next is up to YOU.

I'd call her up in a day or two to just say hello, and be totally friendly and outgoing. Ask her how her date went, and don't let there be a trace of jealousy or weirdness in your voice.

Confuse HER.

But don't do it because you need a certain result, because she can sense when you NEED that certain result.

Oh, yeah, she can.

Act like an Alpha Man would. A dominant, take-no-prisoners, this-is-my-world MAN.

Would he care about any of this?

No.

There are too many fish in the sea to worry about even one.

Treat her like a bratty kid sister that keeps asking you, "Whatcha doing? Huh? Whatcha doing?"

Because that's essentially what she's doing. She's testing you and playing around in her sandbox.

Keep her as a dance buddy, but don't want anything more. Bust her balls...

Remember, this is YOUR world you're in. YOU create the rules.

It is so confusing when women act this way, all hot and cold. And I used to let that shake me up. I totally lost my game around them, thinking that because she was a woman or beautiful that this meant she has some secret power.

Have you ever felt like this? That a beautiful woman just makes you lose all your composure? You know that you're this great guy, but you don't know how to SHOW it to them. Your words get tangled, and you get shot down before you ever take off.

I've talked to guys the world over who have made a REAL difference in their lives by taking the first step on the right path - learning. Once you understand, your world opens up.

Ask yourself:

Wouldn't it be great to learn how women REALLY think and work?

Wouldn't it be fantastic to finally put aside your fears once and for all? Approach women anywhere and anytime?

And GET RESULTS with women.

And results are ALL that matters when it comes to the game of seduction and dating.

I can show you the way to better results and success with women, and it's all in my e-book - THE DATING BLACK BOOK. You need to download it from here:
www.datingdynamics.com/ebookstore.htm

You'll get answers to questions like:

... When is a woman playing you or REALLY interested?
... How do you stop being strung along for weeks and weeks by women, and how do you turn them on to you instead of you being turned into another girlfriend? ... How do you meet MORE hot women? ... How do you get them attracted to you right from the start? ... How do you stop paying for dates that go NOWHERE?

Don't forget - The Advanced Audio Coaching Session 8 is ready NOW to take your current skills and take them to the limit...

Imagine having a coach giving you tips, strategies, and a complete breakdown on how to improve your technique and success with women - firsthand. You can listen to this audio RIGHT NOW on your PC or Mac, and you can even use your MP3 player to take the learning and go mobile.

"I have already listened to session 8 and once again I think that you have cut
thru the modern myths of talking to woman and revealed more reality." - R.H.
www.datingdynamics.com/audioprog.htm

Carlos Xuma
www.datingdynamics.com
This work is copyrighted by the author. No unauthorized duplication or presentation allowed. Copyright © 2004-2007, Dating Dynamics Publications. All Rights Reserved

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