Carlos Xuma of
Dating Dynamics author of 'The
Dating Black Book'
Do you know about the RULES for men? Do you
want to know how to counter her tests and games?
Do you know where to touch women to give them the chills and turn them
on to you? Do you know when to touch them? Do you know how to interpret
a woman's questions and interests, and turn them in your favor?
Do you want to stop shooting in the dark with your dating and finally
get some understanding of women? Some real tangible results?
It's tempting to wing it. It really is. Some guys think that they'll
"Figure women out" when they get to a certain point, except that point
never comes. Different women seem to want different things. (Or maybe
they're the same things?) It's too damn confusing.
It doesn't have to be anymore.
THE DATING BLACK BOOK breaks this strategy down in its entirety, from
preparing to meeting to passing their tests. It's the most complete
strategy out there. I'll even tell you how to interpret their behavior
and figure out which kind of woman you're dealing with - and most
importantly, how to avoid the bad ones.
I was snowboarding in Lake Tahoe a few weeks back,
and there was a demonstration of chin-ups by some Marines to boost enlistment.
They had the Marines hummer there, as well. I noticed the t-shirt one of the
guys had on, and the message was brutally honest and clear:
"Pain is the sensation of weakness leaving your body."
That got me thinking about the nature of pain, and how it functions in dating
and seduction. The most important thing for a man to do as he learns how to
handle women is to keep his head on straight. Keep your attitude healthy,
because that will be the ultimate weapon in this war of the sexes. You must
keep yourself on the positive upward spiral. The way you handle your pain in
the singles world is critical to your overall success.
How do you view pain?
Do you avoid pain at all costs? Do you find yourself seeking only pleasure and
staying away from circumstances that could potentially cause you pain?
I address the pain/pleasure motivational spectrum in my e-book, THE DATING
BLACK BOOK, and I want to help you through a little of your own anguish here
today. How you handle it will ultimately determine your success.
You see, you have to be willing - and even a little eager, as sick as that
sounds - to go through a little discomfort to get to your goals with women.
Men don't have the built-in sexual instincts that women are brought up with.
Women study this stuff every week, from Teen magazine to Cosmopolitan, to know
how the game works and how to win. They've always had the upper hand.
Guys just start out at a natural disadvantage in
dating and sex. As young men, we focus on being strong providers and enjoying
ourselves, playing football and 'reading' Penthouse from time to time. Our
sexual education is mostly comprised of a few bad porno movies, or our
embarrassed father trying to explain the birds and the bees. (My dad's attempt
was pretty awful.) Women get busy as soon as they discovered that Ken dolls
were not anatomically correct, and they learn how to collaborate with other
women about the drama of their relationships for enjoyment.
To get better at the game of dating and
seduction, think of it being something like when Michael Jordan decided
he wanted to switch from basketball to baseball. Remember how he tried
for the major leagues, but he had to go back to the minors to prove
himself? You need to understand that YOU have to go back to the minor
league, too. You need to get a few bumps and bruises, and then you can
deal with her in the major leagues. (Unlike Michael, you CAN and WILL
make it to the major leagues in this sport if you keep learning and
improving.)
So how do you manage the pain? First of all, realize that the ONLY pain
you feel when you're out there in the "dating" world is all
self-induced. YOU are the one making yourself feel bad or inadequate 95%
of the time. Understand that most women NEVER do the things you are
afraid of just for walking up and talking to her, like slapping you or
throwing a drink in your face. As long as you're not a complete idiot
and don't come on too strong, women will give you a chance about 99% of
the time. All of the rejection you are so worried about is made up, and
absolutely none of it reflects on you as a person.
So how do you contend with the constant
disappointment and mixed messages?
Pain management is your answer.
Set a threshold of emotional investment with women so that you limit
your potential pain from them. If you find it difficult to flirt and hit
on the ladies because it's too painful, back off a bit. Just say "Hi!"
as you pass them on the street. Reduce your energy output so that you
don't feel impacted by her response. When you get sufficiently
recharged, you can then start to risk more contact with her again, and
you'll feel more up to the challenge.
Another form of pain management is to ensure that you interpret women's
reactions correctly. It's easy and tempting to read too much into a
woman's behavior, and even more difficult to not take her reactions too
seriously. Remember that while you're trying to get into her bed, you
should never try to get into her head. You need to keep your observation
of her behavior based only on the results you get. Watch only what she
DOES, not what she says. Her actions will tell you what she is feeling,
even when her words seem to contradict. If you get caught up in the game
of trying to figure out why she didn't call, or why she always flirts
with other guys when you're around, you'll create a lot of pain for
yourself. Stay as detached from her as possible at the early stages so
you can avoid getting misdirected.
The rule for pain management is the same as it is on Wall Street: Only
invest as much as you can afford to lose. Too many guys get into trouble
by putting too much of an emotional investment out there, and then when
they don't get the response they feel entitled to, they turn bitter and
angry. Don't make this mistake.
Manage your pain, and you'll be able to stay in the game longer, and
your endurance and tolerance will rise dramatically - as will your
results. You'll feel your weaknesses around women leaving you with each
step you take.
Here's a bonus strategy: To keep your attitude and sense of self and
fulfillment up - and the pain controlled - take the opportunity to
create a zone in your world to affirm your value. What you need to do is
create an Ego Wall.
An Ego Wall is a place where you hang your awards, certificates,
diplomas, pictures, plaques, etc. - all the things that pump up your
opinion and belief in yourself. On my Ego Wall I've got pictures of me
snowboarding, skydiving, my day at a race car school, my college
diploma, my martial arts certificates, etc. It's affirming to me, and
when other women see it, they understand that I'm not just waiting
around on the sidelines of life - I go out and actively pursue what I
want. This is immensely attractive to women.
Make yourself an ego-wall to help you through those painful moments in
your learning process. And remember: Pain is nothing more than the
sensation of weakness leaving your body.
Manage that pain.
Carlos Xuma
www.datingdynamics.com
This work is copyrighted by the author. No
unauthorized duplication or presentation allowed. Copyright © 2003,
Dating Dynamics Publications. All Rights Reserved
Today's Question