Carlos Xuma of
Dating Dynamics author of 'The
Dating Black Book'
Cool. Calm. Relaxed.
One idea that has been beaten to death out there is that confidence is
all you need to get more success with women. That if you act
confident, you'll get women interested in you.
Well, this is partly true, but for most of the guys out there, the
truth is a bit more elusive. And a bit more complicated.
Allow me to explain:
When you lack confidence, as we all do in some way or another, you
have to fight to keep up a good appearance. Sometimes it's a struggle,
but we very often have to summon a great deal of energy just to keep
up the 'act' of confidence. It feels artificial and stilted. We don't
always feel we're "being ourselves."
Let's be real here. No one on the planet is 100% confident 100% of the
time. It just doesn't work that way. Every new experience brings a lot
of anxiety, and even old experiences where we don't have much success
will, too.
We all do our best when it comes to confidence. Every day, if you just
behave "normally," you give off the level of confidence that you feel
AT THAT MOMENT. Which means that your overall confidence is an average
of the highs and lows of the day.
Or, more accurately, your confidence level is determined by the level
of confidence you maintain MOST CONSISTENTLY.
Following me?
Good.
The peaks of your day are those times you feel most prepared and
capable, able to handle a situation. You feel this way primarily
because of your BELIEFS. You believe it because of a lifetime of
evidence acquired that tells you so.
How did you get that evidence? Way back when you had no preconceived
notions of who you had to be, or that other people's opinion of you
mattered, you tried things. If you were good, you did well, and you
kept doing it and got better. You took a chance, got rewarded, and
felt the confidence that comes with success. (Even after small
failures.)
If you failed, or didn't do well, chances are that the failures didn't
bother you as much when you were younger. So, you were also likely to
persevere long enough to get good so that you built that confidence
anyway. If you didn't persevere, you dropped that skill and got no
confidence.
This is typically what happens to most men with women. Without knowing
the basic rules of engagement (military engagement, not marriage
engagement), they stumbled into the arena of women and fell flat on
their face. Some persisted, others didn't.
The ones that did would figure some things out, but not always
understand why certain things worked. (That's the problem with early
successes is that you never get the analytical understanding of WHY
things worked.)
The ones that didn't persist fell into a gloomy pit of despair, often
taking the first woman they could find, and very often marrying her.
So what does this have to do with the relaxation?
I'm glad I asked.
The confidence you built gave you something that people with SIMULATED
confidence (sometimes called 'bravado' or 'arrogance') do not have.
Relaxed.
Calm.
Cool.
These are the words that are linked to the most real form of
confidence. Anything else is an imitation.
Now, I will say that I'd rather you go out
there and fake your self-confidence if it means getting you on the right
track. But what you need to do to make that "fake" confidence real is
find a way to be cool, calm, and relaxed as you do it.
In fact, almost every single guy has to "fake" it to get himself where
he wants to be. I find that I'm at my least confident early in the
morning, and that after I've had a little time to build up my self-talk
and discard the nagging voice of Doubt, I'm well on my way. (A
double-Espresso really helps,
too.)
How to relax is perhaps beyond the scope of this article, but I will
give you some pointers:
- Relaxation starts with your physical presentation. SLOW DOWN! Move
slower and talk a little slower. That will help you pace yourself into a
calm zone.
- Don't overdo the caffeine. I joked about the double-Espresso, but too
much caffeine is not good for you, as well as making you a bundle of
hyper-kinetic nerves. It's like being around a low-grade crack addict.
- Find a mantra - a chant - that you can use to pull yourself back into
your 'zone.' Mine is personal and might not make any sense to you:
"Instant self-confidence - NOW." And when I say "NOW" I smack my hands
together and remember all the times I've felt that rush of confidence,
when everything was working just right and I was king-sh*t of the
universe. It's an anchor that works well. Find yours and lock it in.
Then step back and relax with that feeling.
- Remember that it's up to you to remain emotionally calm. Women count
on us for this, and thank us for it when they go nutty. It's the MAN's
responsibility to be in control of his emotions. Forget all that
feel-good bullsh*t about getting in touch with your feelings. If you're
happy the way you are and don't need any deep introspection, don't let
today's modern psycho-babble confuse you. Men have evolved to be
emotionally controlled, and women are NOT attracted to weepy little
wimps. I'm not saying you can't show emotion, but do not be provoked to
HAVE an emotion by another person that you do not CHOOSE to have.
I hope you found this helpful. This is a big breakthrough for men, and I
want to make sure this understanding is spread to the world. It's so
important that I am working on a new book about male self-confidence,
and it's related to the Alpha Male perspective.
If you're not the lead dog, all you're doing is looking at ass. The view
is the same back there, so you better move up the dominance scale. Get
to the front of the pack.
Back to relaxation:
The reason relaxation is so necessary is that all forms of competence
require it and display it when they are real and complete.
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