Carlos Xuma of
Dating Dynamics author of 'The
Dating Black Book'
Do you know about the RULES for men? Do you
want to know how to counter her tests and games?
Do you know where to touch women to give them the chills and turn them
on to you? Do you know when to touch them? Do you know how to interpret
a woman's questions and interests, and turn them in your favor?
Do you want to stop shooting in the dark with your dating and finally
get some understanding of women? Some real tangible results?
It's tempting to wing it. It really is. Some guys think that they'll
"Figure women out" when they get to a certain point, except that point
never comes. Different women seem to want different things. (Or maybe
they're the same things?) It's too damn confusing.
It doesn't have to be anymore.
THE DATING BLACK BOOK breaks this strategy down in its entirety, from
preparing to meeting to passing their tests. It's the most complete
strategy out there. I'll even tell you how to interpret their behavior
and figure out which kind of woman you're dealing with - and most
importantly, how to avoid the bad ones.
QUESTION:
I still don't understand how to deepen a woman's attraction for me.
I am good at getting a number as well as getting a first hang out, but
that's where the problems start.
Since I am clueless as far as deepening their attraction it instantly
becomes like we're just friends when we hang out. And if I move in for
a kiss, at any point, it's like they're surprised that someone they
thought of as a friend would do that. It's amazing how quickly this
friends veil gets thrown over me. It's like at any point I try to move
along the Dating Continuum, they pull the rug out from under me. I
don't think it's simply a question of rapport because I've gotten that
and it still amounts to surprise/rejection if I move in for a kiss. Or
even worse sometimes they'll go with the kiss and then won't hang out
with me again because it wasn't what they wanted from me.
I know what it's like to be in control with a woman, unfortunately the
only times I've had it in my life are the rare occasions that a woman
has just taken a liking to me before she even knows me. Then it's
smooth and easy sailing.
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I think I know where you're coming from on this one.
Try this on for size:
You feel like you're in a rut. You start out with this nagging feeling
that the only women you can attract are the ones that are ALREADY
attracted to you. You even probably feel that you are ENTITLED to some
results for the amount of effort you put in. It's hard to feel
comfortable when you have this nagging frustration that the next one
is going to turn out like the last one.
Take a step back.
Breathe.
When you've perceived this issue for this long, you're going to have a
LJBF ("Let's Just Be Friends") vibe to you, no matter what you may
think. For the longest time, I would sit there thinking, "But I'm not
doing anything WRONG! I'm acting the way I know I should, but they're
not responding!!" And I'd beat my head against the wall figuring that
what I was told to do wasn't working for me. That I was such a loser
at this game that I was the exception to the rule about getting women
attracted.
It took a while for me to let go of that strange mix of frustration
and hostility. No matter how long you've been perceiving this problem,
there comes a time when you have to accept that the problem is only
there because of BEHAVIOR. YOUR behavior.
Then you have to let go of the belief that there is something
especially WRONG about you that keeps you from succeeding where others
do. These tactics and strategies work because they form the foundation
of a persuasive, charismatic, confident male that women are attracted
to.
Now, given that there will always be some women who are not attracted
to you for any number of reasons, going all the way back to the time
they didn't get a kitty for their eighth birthday, you can still get
more success with more women. You can't get EVERY woman, but you can
always get MORE than you currently are.
It starts with that all-important attitude, or "vibe" if you will.
This is not an instant cure-all, but it is an absolute MUST for any
future successes.
Your confidence and cool demeanor is immediately sabotaged when you're
thinking something differently underneath. You can't be James Bond AND
thinking "Gosh, I hope I don't lose this fight with the evil henchman,
or I'm screwed!" Any difference between what you believe and what you
say is immediately broadcasted to a woman. You may not think so, but
it is. You must be completely comfortable with yourself in a way that
communicates itself to her.
I could hear the frustration in your words. Now, if I can pick up on
that in your EMAIL, imagine what you're communicating in the tone and
expression and body language you give to HER.
Have you ever watched a movie where you saw
an actor saying his lines with ease, and even putting in a decent
performance, but you KNEW deep down that he wasn't really into it? (I'm
thinking Robert DeNiro in the last 10 years.) Sure, all the words were
there, but you could see in their eyes that something just wasn't jiving
between their acting and the role. They weren't CONVINCING.
This is what it's like when a guy is caught up in the focus of his
frustration and need for results as opposed to going along with the
process. It's a lot like when you're laying awake in bed, worrying over
falling asleep, which keeps you from falling asleep. No matter how much
you TRY, you have to let go of TRYING to actually fall asleep.
Remember a success: Think back to a time when everything seemed to fall
into place. You were relaxed. You probably didn't even care if the gal
was interested in you. You found the right things to say. Deep inside,
you felt a calm SURENESS that helped you find the words and the actions.
You were coming from an entirely different attitude, and that attitude
conveyed your confidence in a way that cannot be verbalized.
As a side-note...
You guys should also know about the kiss test by now. There's no reason
you should ever go for a kiss wondering if she'll return it. You must
always know beforehand, and save yourself a lot of anguish later on. Use
the test instead of waiting for your end-of-date surprise.
Keep in mind that unless there is an immediate chemistry between you and
a woman, you'll start out in a neutral station with her. It's up to you
to demonstrate the behaviors that PULL her in rather than letting her
LJBF you.
Some of the things you must actively do:
- Tease her on occasion. This communicates a person who doesn't need a
woman's approval.
- Find ways to affectionately touch her (covered thoroughly in the
Kinesthetics part of the e-book.)
- Use emotionally charged language and excitement questions (covered in
the Audio Coaching.)
- Use cocky, playful humor. MAKE HER LAUGH. This is probably the MOST
important to do. Don't do this in self-deprecating ways, but find the
humor around you and use it to make the conversation sparkle with FUN.
Use that as a starting checklist to go along with the pre-date checklist
from Session 2. Make sure you're doing ALL of them - especially the
humor. If you're not comfortable and having fun, a woman is not going to
either. Sad to say, but most other people look to the people they're
with to validate their own experiences. You must lead her to the fun she
wants to have.
You're right; rapport isn't enough. That just gets some commonality
going, but it doesn't start the charge of excitement and sexual tension
between you. That's where you should target your effort.
There are a lot of things you're doing RIGHT, though. You're getting the
numbers. You're getting the meetings. You're going for the inevitable
conclusion - kiss or no kiss.
You're getting in the sandbox and getting dirty. That's 90% of the game.
(Though, I realize it's not enough of a consolation.) Now you just have
to improve your skills along the path, and find a way to relax and be
comfortable with women as well.
Take a step back. Go out with women just to enjoy their company. Get
back in the swing of being with other women for the sake of how you can
make THEM feel. Get to the place where you don't want them to want you
for more than friends, and lose that air of NEED. Only then will you
find that zone where you can start to really practice the strategies and
see results.
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