Carlos Xuma of
Dating Dynamics author of 'The
Dating Black Book'
Question:
Dear Guru,
I met a girl when I was last in my home city on holiday. I got her number
and called her a couple of days later because I was leaving town in a week.
Anyway, after a couple of short meetings, I seduced her and went all the way
with her the night before I left. It was a good night and she had a lot of
promise.
I have kept a casual phone relationship with her for six months. I know she
has since been seeing another guy, a cool musician type. Now I am back in my
home city to live. She doesn't know this yet. I want to be prepared when I
see her. It would be great to get her off this guy and interested in me
again!
Any advice on how I can do this with poise and confidence?
Cheers,
D.
Reply:
Guru? Wow. Great title for me.
First of all, let's go over the positive things you relate in your story,
because there are a lot of subtle attitudinal things going on here that I
don't want anyone to miss:
1) "I got her number and called her a couple of days later because I was
leaving town in a week."
This answers the question a lot of guys pose about "when do I call her?"
Answer: You call her when you feel the timing is right for you. I don't like
blanket rules of "4 days" or "the first Monday after the first Sunday you got
her number."
Generally speaking, I'd wait at least 2 days, but if the situation demands it,
and you can pull it off confidently, theoretically you can call her just about
anytime. But you have to have the right ATTITUDE. I cannot stress this enough.
(Watch the movie "Swingers" to see how NOT to handle this.)
2) "Anyway, after a couple of short meetings, I seduced her and went all the
way
with her the night before I left."
Excellent! You kept your first couple of meetings short (not these drawn out,
dinner/movie/drinks combinations that so many guys fall into the trap of
doing.) And you progressed to the goal confidently before your departure. You
saw that if you worked to your goal, you will get it.
3) "It was a good night and she had a lot of promise."
PRECISELY! You're getting it.
SHE had a lot of promise. You understand that she is the one that has to prove
herself to YOU. NOT the other way around. Too many men go around with the
smell of approval-seeking on them and then wonder why they aren't getting
anywhere.
She has to show her promise to you, guys. Most of the women you meet will be
unsuitable for the long-term. I know, that's hard to believe, but it's doubly
true for very attractive women. If you understand this fact - REALLY
understand it - you'll then reflect an attitude that draws women in. If you
act like a man that tries to look promising to HER, it's a completely
different mindset, and it puts you at an immediate disadvantage. (Just
remember, MOST WOMEN aren't what you want - beyond the sex.)
Now, to cover your question:
"Any advice on how I can do this with poise and confidence?"
Well, I'm curious about that "casual" phone relationship you kept. I'll
interpret it to mean that you were not calling her every day and you
still went about your life. Which means that she obviously did, too. And
the fact that you know about her new interest, Mr. Rockabilly, means
that she must feel comfortable disclosing her situation to you in
detail.
The key to your re-acquiring this target is that you need to gauge how
interested she still is in you. If she's written you off as a one-shot
lover, she may not want to start up the fire again. (One of the reasons
she may have been interested in your earlier one-night-stand was that
she knew you weren't local. Therefore, any social pressures she may have
had were lowered significantly.)
On the other hand, if she's the kind of woman that doesn't like feeling
that she's been a "slut," she might want to see you again to establish
things in her mind, to make herself feel better. It really all depends
on what kind of explicit or implicit arrangement you feel she's made in
her head. Only you can figure this out for sure.
Here's what you can do: Make it a point to offer a surprise meeting with
her. Call her up and tell her you're "in town." You don't have to go
into detail about your situation. Set up a meeting with her. Go
somewhere she has never been before (so that you get her out of her
familiar environment.) Go get a drink somewhere. Don't make it sound too
much like a "date."
Tell her you want to catch up with her and you've got something
"important" about your life to share with her. A "surprise." Use a
little bait.
(It's important to make that "important" thing sound like it has nothing
to do with her, or you risk having her think you might propose or
something outrageous that would freak her out.)
Then, when you get together, start hitting the teasing and the
cocky/funny routine pretty hard with her. Joke with her like: "Look, I
hope you're not going to try and get me drunk and take advantage of me,
or something. I'm not that easy." Then feel out her response. If she
seems interested and challenged, and maybe a bit frisky, you're still in
the game. If she seems very stand-offish and distant, not willing to
play, there's a good chance she's already cut her emotional ties to you
and wants to move on.
Also, listen to how (and if) she talks about her current Mr. Rockabilly.
If she brings him up all the time with lots of starry-eyed references
and seems like she's in worship mode, I'd consider letting her go off on
her fantasy quest. Reality can never compete with her fantasies.
Take the opportunity to revive a few memories of her and you. "Yeah, but
I bet he doesn't play your strings the way I did. Remember when we were
together and I..." See how she reacts. If you can get her re-living the
experience of you two being together, and she doesn't push it away as if
it were a silly mistake, you've got a real shot at shoving Mr.
Rockabilly out of the picture.
Just don't make the mistake a lot of guys make when they are trying to
get her to trade up: Don't put the other guy down or bring him into the
conversation at all after that. You have to replace him based on your
own merits, or you'll risk turning her off. You can't get back in her
good graces by putting him down, and you'd risk pushing her straight to
him. If she starts talking about him, cut her off with: "You know, I'd
like to hear about him sometime, maybe, but I'm much more interested in
you. What have you been doing since we shared that passionate night
together...?"
Start by getting the lay of the land. Find out how she's feeling, what
she's thinking.
Then, get her to re-experience your pleasure together. Remind her of the
passions and the fun you two had. Get her to remember that state, and
use a lot of sensual words.
Stay challenging to her. Don't come on strong at the start hoping that
she'll just fall for your charms. If you have a shot, she must already
be thinking about you two together again. What she needs is a little
hope mixed with a little doubt. Give them to her in equal measure. Tease
her with the possibilities.
Just don't let her in on your "secret" (that you've moved back) too
early, until you know more about how to play your cards. If she asks you
right away and won't let up, give her something else, like you've
discovered the joys of acupuncture or something.
If you get to a point where she does show some interest, but she doesn't
want to go further without making things more than a one-nighter, THEN
you let her in on your "surprise," that you're back in town
indefinitely. Use that as hope for her. Tease her with what "might be."
But don't tell her she's got you if she wants you. No woman ever wants
what comes easy.
Play it cool and I think you'll do just fine...
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