Recently I was having a conversation with a female friend of mine, and it went like this:
FF: “It's amazing how men
and women can even communicate, because men and women have such
different talking styles.”
DW: “Men are more random speakers, while women are more bonding
conversationalists. Have you ever met a woman who is a random talker?”
DW: “Have you ever met a man who is a bonding talker?”
FF: “Yes. Those are the men I'm attracted to.”
This led me to think deeper, and made me realize that some men are actually “she talkers” while some women are actually “he talkers.” In order to fully understand this concept, I need to explain to you what the different talking styles are and how they work.
Communication is magic. There are endless books on communication and how to communicate with other people. Communication is probably one of the things at which you can work on become better.
A great communicator has several traits. The following four traits of a great conversationalist are generally traits of a “she talker:”
1) The ability to observe the actions of those around them. This gives them the ability to create things to talk about with others;
2) The ability to listen. This is the best trait that every great communicator must have;
3) The ability to stay present in the moment. A great communicator is not always thinking about what to say next and does not have a predetermined script in their head of what to say; and
4) The ability to relax when speaking with someone. A good conversationalist is able to be okay with what's happening in a conversation, and is not “outcome derived” when involved in a conversation.
The four traits above are the keys to intriguing and having a great conversation with someone of the opposite sex. Without these, the conversation will likely be unsuccessful.
You're speaking to a hot, sexy woman. If you're not relaxed, you're thinking during the conversation only about how badly you want to go out with her, and you're not listening to her, you're NOT going to intrigue or affect her which means . . . you will not be going out with her.
Now most people assume that men and women speak a different language . . . which is true in some respects, but not in others.
The men who are very successful with women have learned the power of “she talk.” They have learned and mastered all of the 4 traits above of the “she talker” great conversationalist.
The men who have a hard time connecting with women have the qualities and traits of a “he talker.” Here are 4 qualities and traits of a “he talker” so that you'll know when you're in a conversation with one of them:
1) A “he talker” has random thoughts running through their head at 100 mph. Women may have perfected multi-tasking, but “he talkers” have perfected multi-talking, i.e., they will talk about six things at once and then come back to one of the topics later.
2) “The ADD Syndrome.” A lot of “he talkers” have trouble concentrating when they talk because they're always, always, always thinking and looking around the room at visual stimuli that makes them lose their train of thought.
3) “He talkers” are braggarts. They tend to like to boast about their accomplishments, thinking that others are attracted to someone who brags about their car, money or career successes. I call this person “the wing flapper.” “He talkers “ will talk to each other this way because they are competitive.
4) “He talkers” are competitive talkers. When they brag about their careers, other “he talkers” want to be like them. “He talkers” are competitive about their sports teams, their golf game and other such things.
Here's where this gets interesting:
During more than 10 years of coaching people, I've always coached men in the art of conversation to become “she talkers.” The men that I've successfully coached have learned the art of “she talk” and have become very successful with women.
But what I've found is that, although more often than not “he talkers” are men, there are quite a lot of women running around who are “he talkers.” So even when you've mastered the art of “she talk,” you'll still find women who are “he talkers.” Those women will brag about their accomplishments . . . They're random. When you talk to her, you'll almost feel like you're talking to your little brother.
Just because men and women have physical attributes that define them, this doesn't mean that every man speaks “he talk” and that every woman speaks “she talk.” Understanding that this is true will help you understand why you just don't click with certain people.
Understanding this will also help you accept one simple truth: You are not going to be able to communicate and connect with every single member of the opposite sex, no matter how good you become at mastering the art of conversation.
There are going to be women who are “he talkers.” Even though you will learn to speak and master “she talk,” you'll still run into women who are “he talkers.”
Communication is defining who you are. If you're a “he talker” and you don't want to master the art of “she talk,” then you'll only attract women who are “he talkers.” That is what the power of communication and conversation are all about.
I've been a “she talker” my whole life. I've always been able to walk into a room, strike up a conversation with anyone, and connect with those that are “she talkers.”
There are also levels of “she talking”:
● Level 1 is the small talk “she talker.” This person is really good at having conversations about the weather, your job or the traffic.
● Level 2 of a “she talker” is a person who likes to get very deep and loves the fact that you want to listen, but is scared to ask you any questions.
● Level 3 is “the interrogator she talker.” This is a person who wants to know everything, and questions you about everything. They don't want to assume the meaning of anything . . . they want it clarified.
● Level 4 of a “she talker” is a person who has done years of work evolving their soul. They usually take yoga and have been on many retreats. They want to get to the deepest level of conversation and stay there, because that is what really turns them on at the deepest level.
Most men get really frustrated. They think that just because they're learning how to flirt, that they're going to connect with every woman.
I'm a Level 4 “she talker". I get along with and can communicate with virtually any woman. I don't, however, really connect on a deep friendship or romantic level with Level 1 and Level 2 “she talkers,” nor do I connect on a deep friendship or romantic level with female “he talkers.” I've accepted this. If you're clear about the level of communication you want and what you want to embrace, then you will understand why you do and don't connect with certain women.
You have to realize that you're not going to connect with every woman. If you're a “he talker,” you may get along with a Level 1 “she talker” but you are not going to get along with a Level 4 “she talker.” Your best bet is to meet a female “he talker” or a Level 1 “she talker.”
So, what is the first step? The first step is to define the communication style or level with which you're most comfortable. If you're going to remain a “he talker,” you're only going to attract the type of woman I mentioned above.
If you want to be a master communicator, then I suggest you start mastering Level 1 “she talking,” and work on that for some time before you try to master Level 2 through Level 4 “she talking.” But even being a Level 1 “she talker” will open you up to meeting so many more women than being just a “he talker.”
Understanding how someone speaks the language is the key to understanding why you just don't connect with every person of the opposite sex. Until you master this, you might as well be dating Russian women who speak Russian. Even though the women you're pursuing speak English, it doesn't mean they speak your version of English.
One last question . . .
Have you ever met a woman whom you felt as though you'd known forever, and where the conversation felt like it just flowed and seemed like her thoughts were your thoughts?
This is what happens when you understand the dynamics of “he talk” and “she talk,” and when you understand the dynamics of your conversation style. This way you don't waste your time on women who don't speak your form of English.
Communication is the first step to chemistry.
It’s not about what to say it is how you approach and how to say it!! I go over all this in great Detail in my Men's Master series audio program here and to view all the awesome powers of the Mastery Series click here.
Talk to you soon and looking forward to hearing about all of your success with women!!
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