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 Doc
Love - Success Coach For Men
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
"The deadly pattern you find yourself mired in right now kicked in
when you were 13 years old. So you have to ask yourself this question:
Why?"
Doc Love's Books:
Hey Doc,
I’ve been in this relationship with my wife, Meredith, for 18 years now.
I met her when I was 13 years old, and she was the same age. Back then
she had very high Interest Level in me. All throughout my teenage years
our pattern was to break up for a few months, find other relationships,
then, when I wanted her back, she would leave her current friend for me.
We’ve now been married for 10 years and have three kids, and after
reading your articles on askmen.com, I’ve come to the realization that
her Interest Level in me is low (very low). This year she decided she
wanted a divorce and took interest in a family friend (my old navy
buddy) and they decided they were going to move in together. They were
even making wedding plans.
I was heartbroken for about three months. Depressed, I stayed home with
the kids on the weekends while Meredith was out doing the town. Finally
I decided to take my wedding band off, and when I did, women came at me
from everywhere. I started dating too and leaving Meredith with the kids
on weekends.
Women were sending me cards, watches, and other gifts. When this
happened, Meredith’s Interest Level in me began to rise again. I slept
in the guest bedroom, and one morning I caught her sneaking around in
there reading the cards and going through my pockets checking for
women’s telephone numbers. When she realized I was awake, she threw a
fit. She said I had the smell of other women on me, castigated me for
being out late, and accused me of being loose. Her Interest Level was
high again. We made up and I took her back.
Now, with predictability and the passage of a little time, her Interest
Level is low again. I can’t say anything without her getting offended.
Every now and then I do something special for her, and she doesn’t
appreciate it at all. It seems like she actually hates me. Do I have to
cheat again to raise her Interest Level? Should I send myself some
flowers to spark her Interest Level? I refuse to let her see my concern,
and act as though I’m not even bothered by her loss of interest. What do
I do? It seems that we can’t escape the pattern we established when we
first met as kids.
Lee - who wants to break the vicious cycle
Hi Lee,
Here’s your problem in a nutshell. You and Meredith started out on the
wrong foot. It’s not as if you two were on the same page from day one,
that you never had any problems until now, that you never had to break
up, and so forth. The deadly pattern you find yourself mired in right
now kicked in when you were 13 years old. So guy, you have to ask
yourself this question: WHY?
All this agonizing back-and-forth stuff that you put yourself through is
simply an extension of what happened between you and Meredith at the
very beginning. If that weren’t the case, we’d have a different
diagnosis for your problem. But like a dog chasing after its own tail,
you two are lost in a nasty cycle of breaking up and getting back
together. What it tells me is that you probably really didn’t dig
Meredith that much in the first place. At any rate, this has been a
longstanding pattern. And the pattern says that you guys were never
meant for each other despite the fact that you had three kids.
But let’s give you the benefit of the doubt anyway, and examine some of
the specifics of your dilemma.
First of all, Meredith might have gone after your buddy just because he
was your buddy. She might not really even like the guy, have you thought
of that? It’s a strong possibility that she might just have been rubbing
that relationship in your face. After all, you and she have been good at
tormenting each other over the years, right? (And by the way -- it’s
okay for her to run around; even to get it on with one of your old
friends, but when you do the same thing, it’s HORRIBLE. Whatever
happened to what’s good for the goose is good for the gander? As my
cousin “Fast Eddie” Love would say, “So much for a fair fight!”)
Taking Meredith back was basically a mistake, dude. It was okay to make
up with her for the sake of the kids you brought into the world, but you
were way too easy. When you take a woman back after she’s making time
with your best buddy, she knows she can get away with anything in the
future and she has no respect for you whatsoever. And Interest Level is
built on RESPECT.
You see, pal, Meredith’s Interest Level plummeted all over again because
you always go back to your old ways. If you would have been a Challenge
to your wife, then maybe you could have kept her Interest Level up. Her
interest dips more times than a yo-yo because you don’t continue doing
the things that bring her back. You keep reverting to your old ways
again and again, thereby perpetuating the mutually destructive pattern.
Lee, I have to tell you that you’re a real glutton for punishment.
Didn’t I once see your picture next to the word “masochist” in Webster’s
Dictionary? Once you do something special for a woman and she doesn’t
appreciate it -- and this goes for any woman, not just your wife – why
in the world would you do it again? “If you don’t get a sugar-sweet
thank-you for your romantic gestures,” as Sal “The Fish” Love says,
“FUH-GET ABOUT IT!”
And forget too about continuing to cheat, Lee. By being a cheat, you
wear yourself down, and in that mode you’re being a negative challenge.
What you need to be -- and what you’ve never been throughout this
excruciating process of torture -- is a POSITIVE CHALLENGE. You don’t
have to imitate Hugh Hefner and run around with 10 women to raise
Meredith’s interest, but you can keep your hands to yourself and keep
the conversation light and funny and let her initiate intimacy. If you
study my principles, you’ll know that’s the way to do it! This advice
applies whether it’s your first date or after 18 years of marriage.
You have done one thing right, though, and this might be something you
can build on if there’s any hope left for the two of you: it’s great
that you’re not letting Meredith see your concern over her loss of
interest. That’s where you should be at all times. (And yes, mail
yourself some flowers once a week for a month, or send yourself some
candy and sign the cards with the names of different girls, with notes
like “Your secret admirer,” and “I love you for your mind,” and “You’re
the greatest thing since popcorn!” That sort of thing.
So here’s the Doctor’s prognosis: if Meredith’s Interest Level hasn’t
dropped into the forties, you have a shot at salvaging the marriage. You
say you love your wife, but Lee, I have to ask you this question: Are
you IN LOVE with your wife? Even though I counsel you guys never to
consider your own Interest Level in a woman, in this case I have to ask:
What do you want? You’ve got to be introspective and brutally honest as
far as what’s going on inside your psyche. Where’s your Interest Level
in Meredith? Exactly why are you going back and forth with this gal?
That’s what has to be delved into here. That’s the question that’s
begging for an answer, and at the end of the day only you can provide
it, even if you don’t like what the answer is.
But as with anything in life, as my Uncle Jethro Love once wisely
observed, “When you’re off on the wrong foot, boy, you’re gonna have a
hard road ahead of you!”
Remember, guys: when you break up, don’t waste your time by going back. |
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Doc Love
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