This article: Going out alone doesn't prove you're a lonely loser, unless you make that the reason. Men that can go out by themselves, make a connection with a single woman, or a group of women friends out together, show confidence that allows them greater dating success than most men will ever have.
*** Question from a newsletter reader ***
The main question I want to ask is about going out by myself.
When I walk inside a club or a bar I always get asked the same old question, "Who are you here with?".
I usually answer that I am by myself. This causes people to look at me weirdly (I have that feeling in my head) and I feel that I am telling the lady "Ohh, well I am lonely", (Note that the same happens when guys ask me, mind you I am straight). The answer, being by myself, is honest but triggers a negative feeling, so what do I say?
For some silly reason I get the impression that the other person is thinking to themselves, "ohh, the lonely loser".
There are a lot of times when they act just plain negative which as an old Greek proverb says "Show me your mates so I can see who you are" (if you know what I mean). So, for the last while I have taken a stance that I will do things independently and work out things by myself and that I don't need others. I tend to prefer to go out by myself since there are times that I have to do extra chores and I end up out with time on my hands and decide to try a new club.
Note that this could become an extremely long story so I will get back to my question.
One very bad thought I have, is if a women sees a guy approach her by himself, she automatically thinks, ok, this guy has no social life, he is lonely and he must be desperate, so quickly what do I do to turn him off.
Your advice in the ebook does help but I personally think that a lot of this stuff takes time and effort and should not be looked as a quick fix.
Please tell me the following questions:
- If a guy or a girl asks me "who am I here with" what is a good answer?
- Is it natural for a guy to go out by himself? (i.e are there other guys who do the same?)
Please help me, Dave,
David D Replies:
Wow, these are great questions. I think you've hit on a couple of topics that are huge issues for a lot of men.
I know that they were for me in the not-too-distant past.
OK, to answer your question about what to do if a woman asks "who are you here with?"
It's time for "Dr. Dave, The Mind Reading Dating Psychologist" to put on his hat.
I'm going to make a few guesses about what's going through your mind. Hell, since I'm making some guesses, let's just wrap up both of your questions into one:
"Is it cool to go out alone, and what should I do if I'm out along and a woman asks me who I'm with?"
My first guess is that you're feeling self-conscious about the idea of being alone.
"One very bad thought I have, is if a woman sees a guy approach her by himself, she automatically thinks, ok, this guy has no social life, he is lonely and he must be desperate, so quickly what do I do to turn him off."
It's obvious that you have all kinds of insecurity issues here, and they're really messing with your mind.
The next guess I have is that you're still stuck in the mindset of "pleasing women" and "saying what they want to hear".
At some level, you're asking me what to say to a woman who disapproves of the idea that you're out alone.
Are you understanding me here?
Here are a few pointers for you:
1) What other people think of you is the last thing you should be thinking about.
Now, don't take this to mean that you should never change your underwear or brush your teeth, because it doesn't matter what other think. That's not what I'm saying. You have to be presentable and ready to talk to women all the time.
What I am saying is that if you go out alone, and you meet a woman who thinks you're a total loser for not being out with friends, it shouldn't matter to you.
You're not looking for that woman!
2) Going out alone is great.
I used to be very uptight about the idea of going out alone. It took me quite awhile before I was really comfortable with the idea.
And when women would ask me about it, I'd try to figure out some good excuse to give them, or way to explain it so I didn't appear to be a loser. Just like you.
Well guess what I've learned since?
Most of the guys I know who are amazing with women go out alone often.
In fact, if you really think about it, a guy who has the confidence to go out alone, knowing that he's going to meet a woman that he enjoys and is keeping his options open, so if he chooses to go home with her, etc. he can, is simply amazing.
That takes confidence few men have.
3) When a woman asks you "Who are you here with?" you have a few basic options:
-You can answer her directly
("I'm here alone")
-You can lie ("My friends will be here soon")
-You can turn the question around (read on)
Now, if you answer directly and say "I'm here alone" in a weak, tentative, self conscious, insecure voice, you're going to look like a Wuss Bag loser.
Women aren't attracted to men who feel and act like losers. And answering questions directly is usually uninteresting, boring and a turn-off.
You can also lie.
A lot of
guys lie about things:
from what they do to what they think of a woman, to how much they make at their job.
Lying is a trap, because it makes you feel bad, and it screws up your mind. I don't recommend it. But there is another way!
And it's my favorite (of course).
Turn the question around on her!
If you remember that women are constantly testing you when you interact with them, and you are always looking for places and ways to demonstrate your Cocky and Funny humor, you'll see incredible opportunity in situations like this.
She asks "Who are you here with?"
You answer "I'm here with you" <sly smile>.
She smiles, laughs a little, and says "OK, seriously, who are you here with?"
You answer "Look, I only know you a few minutes and already you're trying to meet my friends? By the end of the week you're going to be over at my mom's house talking about our wedding. Slow down!"
Now what's going on here?
What you're subtly saying is "It doesn't matter who I'm here with and by the way, If I am here by myself, I'm not at all insecure about it."
Guys ask me all the time how to deal with questions and challenges from women.
You don't have to. These type of "mini-challenges" aren't a test of your masculinity, not by any stretch. They are a woman's test of how well you can hold your own confidence in front of her. She tries to crack you, scare you away. Confrontation sparks the "fight or flight" instinct.
Just be charming, funny, and difficult. It works much better, and
it's a hell of a lot more fun for you and her.
And don't forget to get her phone number and email. Maybe you and a buddy can double-date in the near future!
*** Final Comment***
The questions and answers you've read here are also covered in the "Double Your Dating" book. Of course my downloadable ebook covers a whole lot more ground and in much greater detail.
To start with, the question you need to ask yourself is "Am I actually attracting women or not?"
If you can say yes to any of the following:
- struggle getting phone numbers and emails
- often get tongue-tied when around beautiful women
- lose confidence after the first date or even first conversation
- feel compelled to agree with whatever the woman wants, try too hard to please her too much
- fail out on her the first time she tests me
You need to get some serious help, real-life tested advice.
Can you see how you're rejecting the very women you want to attract? How your actions betray your desires?
How do you want women to see you? How do you want women to be attracted to you? How do you want to improve your dating and your life?
The next move is for you to download your copy of my online eBook "Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women", then you need to get started!
I have spent years of my life watching guys who are naturally successful with women, and then refining what I've learned, testing out the techniques, and putting them together and increasing my personal success with women as naturally as putting on pants in the morning.
...and watch it in action, learn it, and use it.
Talk to you soon,
(c) Robert Lee and Cheerful Attitude Web Design Ltd. and David DeAngelo Inc. All Rights Reserved.