*A Question From A Newsletter Reader *
Great stuff. The more I use it the better it works and the more the women enjoy it. I'll try to keep this short. I've found that keeping C&F as the main focus makes me (and the woman) much less nervous when I've arrived at a woman's house. For example, the last girl I was with kept apologizing for how messy her place was. Doesn't she understand that I'm a guy and I'm not looking at the stuff on the floor I'm just planning to add what she's wearing to the mess? Anyway, I used a line from you and a fellow DYD fan and told her not to apologize just not to let it happen again. Instant karma. Kept it up and the clothes came off. Well, this takes me to my question.
I met the messy apartment girl a few weeks ago, got her number, called her a few days later and set up a date. Things went swimmingly, used the C&F and ended up at her place. All good. My question is, what is your advice on calling after having spent the night with a woman? Call her the next day, which is what all my female friends say is the chivalrous (but possibly wussy) thing to do? Wait a few days? And what if one has decided not to give her everything she wants on the first night and just fooled around? Same follow-up policy? Should it always be a call or is email OK? What should the tone be? C&F no doubt.
Less wussy more...
David D. >>>My Answer:
Well, it sounds to me like you're actually asking a slightly different question than you have asked. What I hear you asking is: "If I meet a girl that I actually LIKE, what should I do after we first get together to make sure that we KEEP getting together?"
And this is a great question. I personally think:
1) Most guys "settle" for the women that they wind up in long-term relationships with.
2) When you begin to understand women and have more success, you start to realize that MOST women ARE NOT the type that you'd be HAPPY with long-term.
3) When you have gone through the process of learning how to be more successful with women and make them feel that magical emotion called ATTRACTION... and then you finally DO meet a woman you really like, you have to handle the situation in the right way if you want to keep her.
You've asked me a whole bunch of specific questions, like how long should I wait to call, whether to call or email, tone, etc. It sounds to me like you actually LIKE this particular girl, and would like to pursue this in a "let's see if this turns into something" kind of way.
With that in mind, I think you need to realize a few things about what a woman EXPECTS you to do...
If you're dealing with an attractive woman, then you must remember that you're not the first guy who has ever been interested in her.
In fact, she's probably approached all the time by guys, and she probably has a lot of experience with guys who want to "get involved" with her.
This is one of those funny situations that works in kind of a backwards way (not unlike many other aspects of male/female relationships, actually).
If you meet an attractive girl, you can be pretty sure of a few things:
1) She gets approached by men, one way or another, all the damn time.
2) 99% of the men that she meets and dates wind up following her around like puppies... either from the beginning or eventually.
3) When a guy acts "too nice" and does it "too soon", she sees this as a sign of neediness and weakness, and she's repelled by it.
I realize that this is going to sound like some kind of bizarre Zen self-help B.S., but sometimes you have to push things away from you gently in order to bring them to you. And beautiful women fall into this category. At my last couple of Double Your Dating LIVE! Seminars, I asked a simple question:
"How do you make someone want something?"
Have you ever thought about that concept?
Why is it that people WANT things in the first place, and how can you actually MAKE someone want something?
When you think about the things that YOU want, and then ask yourself WHY you want those things, you'll begin to realize why this is such a profound question. Why is it that Coke has dominated the cola market when we all know that Pepsi wins the taste tests?
Why is it that people in Los Angeles buy so many four-wheel drive SUVs?
Why is it that some nightclubs keep people outside in line for hours when there's plenty of room inside the club?
Well, I obviously can't go into an in-depth explanation of why these things are so, but I think it's obvious that:
1) Most of the things that people "want" aren't for the most logical reasons.
2) We humans only "want what we don't have"... and once we get what we want, we quickly get bored.
3) Even knowing that something is readily available to us makes us lose interest.
So why such a long explanation? Why not just tell you when to call her, what to say, and what tone to use?
Because even if you know the exact right words to say, and the exact right time to say them, the woman you're talking to will still be able to pick up what you're REALLY thinking if you don't understand how and why women become attracted to men.
Here are a few ways to make a person want something:
1) Create a challenge.
2) Give her a little, then lean back.
3) Give her the gift of missing you.
4) Be unpredictable.
When you create a challenge, you really ENGAGE a woman's mind and emotions. Women don't feel ATTRACTION for men that are push-over Wuss Bags. Women feel ATTRACTION for men who are a CHALLENGE.
When you give a woman a little bit, then lean back, you set up a "Hey, I want more of that" situation. If you just keep pouring on the attention and giving her everything she wants, you'll become uninteresting.
When you give a woman the "Gift of missing you", you realize that for women, thinking about, missing, and anticipating the next time is often even more powerful than the actual EXPERIENCE of "the next time".
Men often get insecure, and feel that they have to call and keep an eye on a woman all the time. This is a huge mistake. It says all the wrong things.
When you're UNPREDICTABLE, you do something that is almost MAGIC... when a man understands how to make a woman feel ATTRACTION, then he doesn't do things that are PREDICTABLE, women will tend to think about him ALL THE TIME.
Things that are predictable don't require much thought. They're uninteresting and boring. Things that are UNPREDICTABLE, on the other hand, require a LOT of thought. Unpredictable things are FASCINATING to people... especially women.
What makes a movie lame? Predictability.
What makes a movie great?
A well-written story that ISN'T predictable. Predictability and BORING-NESS are the enemies of ATTRACTION.
Here are a few thoughts on the questions you asked:
1) If you call her the next day, be cool about it. Don't try to be too "suave", and don't try to set up another date immediately. Call and say "Hey, what's up?" Make a little small talk, then hang up. Lean back, and she'll be thinking about you for the next several days (if you didn't act like a dumb-ass the night before, that is).
2) If you email, keep it light as well. In this day and age, I find it natural to email or call.
3) Your TONE should be cool, calm, laid back, busy, and upbeat. Never complain about things, whine, or act like you're in a bad mood and need attention.
4) Be very cool about this. Don't act like you might want to get married within 90 days, or like you've met the woman of your dreams. Give her some space, and the gift of missing you.
5) For the first 10 dates or so, don't see her more than once or twice a week. Stay busy with your life, and always have things going on.
6) Until you decide that you really like a particular woman and want to "settle down" with her, or have a long-term relationship, don't focus too much energy on the relationship. If you're dating other women, don't stop. When you focus all of your energy and time on a woman that you've just met, it often creeps them out and makes them run.
Use these concepts HOWEVER you decide to communicate with her.
...and watch it in action, learn it, and use it.
Talk to you soon,
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