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All About Lying

DR. DENNIS NEDER AND KYLIEDr. Dennis Neder, Author: "Being a Man in a Woman's World"

"You can become your own worst enemy when you're dating someone and you have trust issues."

Dear Doctor,
About a year ago, I was unemployed, and my girlfriend's mother told her that if I didn't get a job, that she wouldn't allow her to see me anymore. She then called and told me this. Right then and there I made a terrible decision - I lied. I lied telling her that I had just gotten a job, but in reality I hadn't. My intentions were good, even though it's never good to lie. I did that simply to be able to keep seeing her, because she is the love of my life - I would go to the ends of the earth for her, I would do absolutely anything for her.

She found out I was lying by looking on my website to see that my résumé didn't correspond to what I had been saying.

She wanted me to keep a job at least one year to prove to her that I could keep a job and that I was responsible. She is furious at me, and rightfully so. I told her how sorry I was and she told me that she had heard that before. I told her I would never lie and I would tell her the truth from now on even if it hurt to tell the truth, and she told me that she had heard that before. I really and truly mean it this time, I have learned my lesson. All of her trust in me is gone, and I am walking on thin ice in this relationship, is there anything I can do to help strengthen this relationship? I have prayed about this, and have lost sleep because of this; I can't live my life without her,
I will do anything!!!!!

Hello!
You'll do anything? Ok, we'll see!

Ok, you lied. Big deal!!! Danny, EVERYONE, but EVERYONE lies. You're not the first one to cast the first lie - not even in your relationship. I don't know where or what, but your girlfriend has lied to you too! How do I know this? Well, because I'm an expert at these things, but more important, I'm an expert in women. The fact is, women are much, MUCH better liars than you or me.

In my second book "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" I have an entire section on how to lie effectively. Why would I actually teach guys how to lie? Simple: because we're so very bad at it and women are so very good at it. Women know how to cover their tracks down 4, 5, 6 and even more levels deep. Discovering women's lies is actually very difficult for most guys!

My point here isn't to make you a better liar; it's to put things into perspective.

Her "trust" is 100% guaranteed to NOT be based on your lying - or telling the truth. Her trust is based on you being a man here. Here's why: trust is something that comes from within - not outside. For example, if you tell her you're going to get something from the store, does she "trust" you to get it? What if you promise her to pick her up from the airport, would she "trust" you to be there?

Of course she would!!!

Here's why: she can just go get the thing you didn't or she could call a taxi or another friend to pick her up. In other words, her "trust" is based on her ability to deal with things that don't happen! Laying all of her trust in your lap is just her way of totally copping out here!

Now Danny, you absolutely need to get a job! You can't go through life without one simply because your own self-respect is involved. Even more important, she wants to see that self-respect in you too. That is why she's holding your feet to the fire - not because you lied to her. The lie is only misdirection on her part and women do this all the time. In effect, it's also a lie!

Here's what you need to know: women feel safe, secure and even loved when they are with a man that is strong, self-confident and has a direction. They feel insecure, weak and fall out of love when they're with men that have no direction or that beg for forgiveness or that promise the world out of fear of losing them.

Guess which one you are right now?

Guess where your relationship is headed?

I started this response by saying "...we'll see" and I meant it. We'll see if you're going to change your attitude. We'll see if you're going to get a job and start working on your own self-respect. We'll see if you're going to make the changes in yourself that she needs to see.

We'll also see if you're going to tell her to get the hell over herself about the lie! Ok, so you lied. Big deal!!! It's over, you apologized and now you need to move on as a couple and work through the problems - AS A COUPLE. If she can't do that, she isn't worthy of you in the first place, but YOU have to see this - not me! A relationship is about two people committing to each other to make things work - not one doing what the other decides they should do for their own personal benefit!

When you do, TELL HER SO. Tell her that you're done being the whipping boy here and accepting her punishment. You're going to make some changes in your life not for her, but for you and your own self-respect. This event has taught you a valuable lesson, but not because she's beating you with a stick. You deserve more from her because you're WORTH MORE. Go prove it by getting a job, being good at that job and telling her so. Then, if she still can't see it, kick her to the curb and let her cry over it for awhile.

You've cried enough here, don't you think?

Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder

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Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.beingaman.com

Copyright (c) Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com 

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