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Dr. Dennis Neder: Breaking Up

DR. DENNIS NEDER AND KYLIESometimes, things run their course. You may be at fault or not, but when its time to bring your relationship to an end you want to do so cleanly and effectively. Here are some suggestions:

1) If you have personal items at your lover's place, you want to begin getting them back. This is much more difficult to do after the breakup. If your lover has things around your home, put these in a box and have them ready to move. Be thorough - you don't want to have things left over for him/her to have to come back to get later.

2) Don't involve your friends, family, co-workers, etc., in the breakup. This is only between you two. Adding others increases the humiliation factor.

3) If you're afraid of a scene, breakup at a public venue such as a restaurant. However, don't "lure" your soon-to-be-ex lover there under false pretences. Explain that you want to "talk about your relationship".

4) Don't wait until a "good time". Do it as soon as you make the decision. Waiting only prolongs the inevitable and makes it even more difficult.

5) However, don't breakup on a day with special significance. For example, don't breakup on Christmas Day, Easter, or your ex-partner's birthday. This is cruel, and may cause ruin that day for this person for a long time.

6) Don't hedge - get to the point. Be clear and specific. Don't blame or argue, and don't prolong the event.

7) Don't breakup in stages! Some people; either through fear of losing someone, or a feeling that their sparing their ex-lover's feelings do the "series breakup". They start by getting distant, then, they suggest that both see other people, then, they stop answering the telephone, etc. This is just causes the pain to be extended for a longer time than is necessary. Remember, you wouldn't cut off a dog's tail piece by piece (would you?); you'd do it all at once.

8) Be considerate of or ex-lover's feelings, but don't back down. Also, don't promise to stay in touch, stay friends, or say that maybe you can get back together after you "get your head together". This leads to false hopes.

9) Don't unload your hurt or anger on this person. Be detached, unemotional and specific.

Breaking up is very difficult for both the person doing it as well as the person getting dumped. Always remember that you saw something in the person when you first got together. Regardless of what happened they are still the same person you met and have a right to their dignity.

Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com  

Copyright © 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Dr. Dennis Neder

 

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