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Do I Compromise To Get Him Back Or Bolt?

DR. DENNIS NEDER AND KYLIEDr. Dennis Neder, Author: "Being a Man in a Woman's World"

"If he can't handle his own past insecurities, you're going to need to reconsider what you want and if you can get it through this relationship with his issues."

Hi Dennis,
I've been dating a guy for 6 months. We were inseparable we spend loads of time together. We get along fantastic our families love each other. There is one big problem. I had to move back to the town I'm from which is where he lives. I noticed that he didn't want me in his home when he isn't home.

He stated that he trusted me, he's just not used to being in a relationship seriously with someone. Says I'm his first real relationship and he doesn't want anyone snooping through his things (an insult at best). So when I stay over and he leaves 5 or 6 am sometimes on the weekends I have to get up and leave.

I needed to stay with him for a week before my apartment was ready and I had to wait for him to come home from work before I got indoors. Some nights I was in school so it was ok, but as you should know it took a toll on me. I finally moved into my own place.

The last straw was when I spent the night over he didn't have to work but woke me up in the cold and rain to take him to the Laundromat. He knows he can drive my car to do something like that but he wanted me to come because of his issues. I have let this man use my car to visit his sick mom in the hospital but had to stop because of his unfairness. I feel bad but my car has nothing to do with him seeing his mom.

Anyway once I took him to the Laundromat I got so pissed at him (add the cold rain and me looking a mess early in the morning) that I left. Then I thought about it and went back to get him. He was upset and said someone else was going to pick him up. I met him at the house and asked for my things, but he ignored me. The next week I told him I just wanted my spare remote car key. He stated "I don't understand you I've been working hard to give you a good x-mas and you do this!" I know its true because he always buys me gifts and already started x-mas shopping for me.

I responded that I love the gifts but my dignity and self respect means more to me. He said he'd give it to me on 12/09 his next day off. On Monday 12/8 I got a text from him saying that he can't give me the key on the 9th it has to be the 14 because he has to work, which is crap because we're together all the time work or no work. I suggested the mail once but I just let it go and told him whenever he's ready is fine.

I feel so deeply for him but I feel undignified when made to leave his house it is such a big inconvenience for me. I don't need a key and full access. I respect his privacy but I have to respect myself. I'm prepared to break up but I don't want to.


I know exactly why he's doing this.

There are a few so-called "experts" that recommend this very specific thing. He's been listening to their "advice" and doesn't realize that for them, it's about entertainment - NOT practical life coaching. These entertainers (and one in particular) use this shtick to address their target markets and do so extremely well, I might add. The problem is that it's just that: shtick. Many guys don't get that and actually buy into it 110%.

I have to chuckle a little about this however. No offense, but let's be absolutely realistic here: over time, if you absolutely knew that you wouldn't be caught and especially considering your current insecurities (probably somewhat reasonable, I might add), wouldn't you snoop a little?

Of course you would. Every woman would; so at least on that front, he's right. My bigger concern is with his need for absolutely privacy - and his unreasonable demands to get it.

Here's what you need to do: Sit him down and have a talk about this. Explain to him that in order for your relationship to grow (rather than decline) he's going to have to get over this fear. Yes, you understand it and you're not going to discuss whether it's reasonable or not; simply that normal, healthy couples don't have these sorts of issues between them. You want to have a normal, healthy, mature relationship and none of these expectations on his part are any of that. What that ultimately translates to is that if you and he can't come to an understanding about this, you're going to have to find someone else that wants the same things you do.

Remember: you're not his counselor, you're his girlfriend. You're not here to make up for his past insecurities or whether his mommy hugged him too little or too much. He's an adult now and has to deal with adult things if he wants an adult life. You can't make him do this, but he needs to open his eyes about it and realize what he loses - and will continue to lose - if he doesn't get this problem handled.

If he can't do that, you're going to need to reconsider what you want and if you can get it through this relationship.

If you might even show him this letter from an unbiased (huh?) third party if you think it'll open his eyes a little wider.

Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder

Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at for answers.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:

Copyright (c) 2007-2009 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: 

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