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Dr. Dennis Neder,
Author:
"Being a Man in a Woman's World"
Dear Doc,
I've been going out with this girl for 3 months now after trying to get
with her for about 7. Before we got together she said she didn't want to
date me because she loved me but "wasn't in love with me". She later
said she was in love with me but still didn't want to let her guard
down.
We finally got together and everything was going fine until last night.
She dropped a bombshell when she said she needs a week break to find out
how she truly feels. I feel betrayed by this and angry but I still love
her. She says that in a week she hopes she comes back to me saying that
she misses me and wants me back and I hope that it happens like that
too.
Am I placing false hope in thinking there is a happy ending in here or
could it be just that she needs this space as everything is coming at
once? How can I make her fall in love with me while she thinks things
through without taking away her space?
Hello!
If you're content to let her lead everything here, then, yes, you're
placing false hopes in the outcome. She's on the exit-plan on you're
holding the door for her!
People, (or, as I like to call them: "cowards") are misusing this
"break" thing within relationships to protect themselves and harm
others. I hope that everyone that reads this learns how to handle the
"break" properly; whether you're the one that's asking for it, or that's
having it inflicted upon you!
A "break" is a very specific thing. It has very clear rules, goals and a
timeframe. It is used exceedingly rarely and only with the mutual
agreement of both parties. No one person in a relationship can call for
a break! She gave you the timeframe (which frankly, few people do), but
everything else is left up in the air.
That's not a "break", it's a "staged break up".
Let me ask you: would you cut a dog's tail off piece by piece? Of course
not, that would be cruel! You'd do it all at once and get it over with.
It's just as cruel to break up with someone in stages, but that's
exactly what cowards do. First, they take breaks. Then, they stop
answering the phone or returning email or voice mail. Then, they just
let the other person find out that they're dating someone else. I have
no respect for anyone of any gender that does this - and neither should
you.
Do you know what else cowards do? They let someone abuse them with these
so called "breaks" because they are afraid to stand up for themselves
and make things happen in their relationships. They are afraid of losing
someone so they tip-toe around everything and suffer alone, by
themselves, instead of standing up and taking the wheel to craft a
relationship that is mutually beneficial.
In any relationship you're going to be in, you're the man (right?) That
means that you have both certain responsibilities AND certain rights.
Regardless of what the feminists would have you believe, we are not all
absolutely alike (well, at least they want you to believe that until it
works to their political advantage to be different - see my latest "Hate
Mail" article on my website for an example of this!)
As the man, it's YOUR job to control the relationship and give it a
direction. You need to get that picture firmly implanted in your brain.
As soon as you start doing this, you're going to stop being a victim of
women that already know this fact.
When she said that she wanted to take a one-week break, your response
should have been, "Absolutely not. Either we're in this together and
we're going to work out our problems as the team that we are, or you're
going to walk out that door right now, realizing that you're not welcome
back. The choice is yours, but make it right now - not in one week!"
Do you think she would have reacted differently if you'd said this to
her? I'll bet she would have! More important, you'd have a totally
different relationship right now and wouldn't have even written to me.
Now all you can do is hope that she "gets the religion" of your
relationship and comes back to do what you should have done in the first
place.
I'm being a little hard on you, but let's face it - you didn't handle
this very well and with some minor backbone, you can turn any
relationship problem into an advantage where you grow together - not
apart. But that, my brother, is YOUR job as the man in this - or any
relationship.
Let's talk for a moment about your next step. Unfortunately, it's not as
strong as you could have had in the beginning, but your next step should
be to NOT give her space. You need to contact right away and tell her
that you're not going to play this game with her. Either she's in or
she's out - there are no gray areas here.
If she's in, she's going to benefit by having the support of her team to
get through everything. If she's out, she's on her own, but SHE TOO has
responsibilities here - it's not just you!
Once she makes her decision, your stress is all gone. If she decides
that she's out, then so be it. Take it away from her and let her
experience that on her own. You get to see things with a new, clear eye.
At the absolute worst, you walk away with your head high and get to look
for someone that recognizes quality. Just because her tastes are
something far less shouldn't affect you in any way - that's her problem,
not yours!
However, if you approach her with this sort of strength, I'll bet she's
going to change her attitude 100%. Why? Because she's not going to want
to lose the benefit of the strength that you'll have shown her. If she
needs support, you're proving to her that you're the guy that'll give it
to her in this one simple step!
The choice is yours, but regardless your responsibilities in a
relationship don't change; only attitudes and understanding do.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder
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Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You
can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World",
visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com
Copyright (c) 2007 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
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