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Dr. Dennis Neder,
Author:
"Being a Man in a Woman's World"
"No man is going to opt for a sexless
relationship, leading to a sexless marriage. All you're doing is proving
to him that's what he can expect with you."
Hey Doc,
A month ago I met an amazing man; handsome, in-shape, caring,
respectful, educated, and with a thriving career. I love spending time
with him, and get butterflies in my stomach whenever I think about him.
My main problem is that he is 9 years older than me. I know this may not
seem like much of an age gap, but there are some apparent difference
between a 24 year old woman and a man in his 30's. I think he enjoys my
youthful spirit, looks, and personality, however, I often get the
feeling he views me as a little girl. I understand him. I am the
youngest in my family and am used to being babied. However, I am an
adult. I hold a Bachelor in Business; have a steady career, and an
apartment.
I really like this guy. I guess my main question is: "how can I show him
that I am mature enough to embark on a steady relationship without
sacrificing my age and all that surrounds it?" I have never been on of
those crazy 20 year olds who go clubbing all night long and have
multiple one night stands. However, I am young and enjoy going dancing
and having fun with friends.
I have tried to make this
clear to him, and as a result have held off on most things sexual. I
live in one of the most pretentious cities in the USA where most girls
are 'party girls' and I don't want him to think I am "that type" of
girl, but I do not want him to think I am a prude either. How can I make
this distinction? And when is it acceptable for me to move things to the
next level? I have seen him every weekend for the past 4 weeks.
Since he is in his 30's, I think he is looking for something a bit more
serious. He has mentioned that he wants a big family. I know he wants to
settle down within the next couple of years. I would love for me to be
the lucky girl.
How do I get him to take me seriously?
Any advice?
Hello!
Do you get the feeling that he views you as a little girl because he
treats you like this or because of your own insecurities?
Here's the reality: by holding off being sexual (in effect, artificially
manipulating sex between you), you're proving to him that you're still a
child. If you're sexually attracted to him, yet you're holding back
because of some dumb belief that he'll see you as loose or promiscuous,
you're proving to him the exact thing you don't want him to believe
about you. Further, you're insuring that he's going to move on and find
someone that knows better.
I see this sort of nonsense all the time from women. You carry - and
continue to perpetuate - some really dumb and even dangerous beliefs
about men! This is a great example of one of them: "If I sleep with him
too early, he'll think I'm a slut and won't respect me."
I've met extremely few Western men in the last 20 years that actually
feel this way. Go on and believe it if you want to, but don't be
surprised when this guy goes and finds someone that knows better - not
necessarily older, but more emotionally and sexually mature.
In effect, you're insulting an entire gender with this ridiculous
belief! The vast majority of men see women that are comfortable
expressing their sexualities as "sophisticated" and "mature", not party
girls or sluts. It's time to update your victorian education to a modern
one - and to stop listening to any woman that tells you differently.
I've even seen so called "experts" on this board recommend this stupid
bullshit!
Here's another thing you need to understand about how men are wired:
early sex means something different to us than it does to you. Whereas
you use sex to build closeness, intimacy and bonding, men use early sex
to determine if we WANT TO get close, intimate and bond. We don't make
that decision until AFTER we've have our physical selves addressed
within the context of dating! Go back and re-read that until it really
sinks in because the next thing I'm going to tell you is going to shock
you if you really understand that first point.
Here's the second, more shocking fact: we have a "shelf life" or a
"window of opportunity" built right into us. Here's what that means:
During the early part of dating, we're thinking all sorts of things
about you (just as you are with us.) We're trying to build a picture of
just how you fit in our lives and vice versa. The problem is that if we
go too long without including the sexual piece of that puzzle, we'll
just give up on you and put the puzzle away - and you along with it.
Sure, we'll still sleep with you, but you'll no longer have access to
our hearts and emotions.
The problem with this is that every guy's "window" stays open for a
different length of time - and you can't possibly know how long that is!
After a month of dating, you may already be past your guy's window! If
he only sees you as a potential bed partner now, you're never going to
get what you want with him. In effect, by trying to artificially
manipulate sex between you (assuming you want to have sex with him in
the first place) you may have just shot yourself in the foot!
We have to get past all of this stigma surrounding sex and start to see
it as part of the integration process with any healthy relationship.
Knowing if you're sexually compatible is a key element to the survival
of the relationship and by holding off, you're simply telling him that
you're scared, unsophisticated and manipulative - not strategic! Do you
understand the difference?
More important, here you are trying to build a strong emotional
foundation for a future relationship and to create all these complicated
emotions in him and then denying him the one thing that would help him
to internalize those emotions - sex. Guess what will happen when he
meets some other women that knows better and actually sleeps with him?
Answer: he's going to take all those emotions and invest them in HER,
NOT YOU!
No man is going to opt for a sexless relationship, leading to a sexless
marriage. All you're doing is proving to him that's what he can expect
with you.
For an obviously-smart girl, these are some pretty dumb choices in my
opinion!
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You
can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World",
visit:
www.beingaman.com
Copyright (c) 2007-2008 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com
______________________________________________________________
About The Book:
Men and women continue to complain about their relationships. Married or single, the same issues seem to keep coming up.
Many men have trouble meeting women. They might meet them; they just can't get their numbers. When they do get a number, they can't get them to go out. When they do get them to go out, they wind up spending a fortune and getting dumped a month later. Of those that actually do establish relationships, they find them unfulfilling and fraught with the same, consistent, almost predictable problems.
This book began life about 13 years ago. It was directed to the single man looking for love in Southern California. Since then, it has evolved into something similar, but much more broad in scope. It seeks to bridge the gap between men and women by combining an understanding of men's place in today's world of women, communication skills, sales skills, and an organized plan - once and for all. It does this by focusing on the man's core - who we are, by evolution, by education, by society, and by necessity.
Men and women have continued to have the same problems for hundreds of years. It's time to put these problems to rest. We are in a woman-focused time in history. Not that this is bad, but it is one-sided. Men have an opportunity to succeed in their relationships just as they have strived to succeed in their jobs.
It's time for men to take their place. To be the partners that women want them to be. Not necessarily what they say they want, but what they really want - and need! As men we owe this to our women. Women crave who and what we are fundamentally. May the joy of being a man become part of your daily life. May the women in your life find new reasons to love and cherish you. May you begin to get along, communicate, and find your best with your partner. I wish this for you.
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com
aLoveLinksPlus is pleased to feature Dr. Dennis Neder every
week with new articles to help men take their place as partners in a women's
world.
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