Doc:
I am dating this guy, and have been for several months. When we first
got together he always hinted at marriage. The confusing thing now is he
wants to wait and for me to give him space. Sometimes I think it’s to
get his act together, other times I'm not so sure. He tells me that he
love me all the time. I even gave him the decision to end the
relationship if he didn't want it. Out relationship is so weird. I enjoy
being around him, and I think he feels the same way. I'm really confused
by his actions and somewhat hurt. One minute he feels one way and the
next it seems like he doesn't know what he wants. He's twenty-eight
years old, if that has anything to do with it.
Please help, thank you.
Hello!
Obviously, I can't read his mind, but let me tell you a little about men
and marriage.
Men and women view marriage very differently. To you, marriage means
future, security, family, status, love, closeness and many other good
things. To men, marriage means loss of freedom, responsibility, loss of
choice, expense, stress, etc. When you look at it like that, it doesn't
seem so appealing, does it?
Of course, men DO get married every day, but women constantly complain
that it's difficult to get men to commit. Now you know why that's true.
So the question becomes, "considering the negative view that most men
have about marriage and commitment, how do you get your man to commit?"
Here's the answer: you first need to find out exactly what it is that
he's looking for in his life and relationships. This isn't what YOU
think his answer would be, but what the real answer is! You do this by
asking him. Now comes the second part of the discussion.
As you no doubt know, most men have difficulty talking about complicated
emotions. It's not that we don't feel them, we just don't express them
the same way you do. Thus, if you say to him, "What do you want?" he's
not going to give you a very clear answer! It's not that he's being
evasive; it's just that he's probably not able to answer it. Men's and
women's communications systems differ greatly! So, what you want to do
is to break it down into simpler questions.
The best way to do this is to use "yes/no" types of questions. You can
ask him things like, "Are there areas of our relationship that you would
like to see improve?" or "Do I give you enough room to work on your
career?", etc.
Keep in mind that he's going to be somewhat suspicious that you're
leading him somewhere with these questions! Thus, don't come back from
the "improve our relationship" question with another too-broad question
like, "How?" That's just too difficult for him to answer. If you want to
know, you need to be more specific. For example, ask him things like,
"What about our sex life? Are there things about it that you'd want to
change or improve?" If he says "yes", then probe deeper. Again, don't
ask him "what?", ask, "Is it the frequency?" or "Are there new things
you want to try?", etc. (more "yes/no" question).
If you take some time over
the next few weeks and months, you'll be surprised what you can learn
about him! All of this leads up to the final "step" to get him to
commit:
Simply be the woman for whom he chooses to trade his freedom,
responsibility, loss of choice, increased stress, etc.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder
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