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Dr. Dennis Neder,
Author:
"Being a Man in a Woman's World"
"These foolish women
are thinking that men are mostly interested in a woman's looks and if
some of the most beautiful women in the world can't keep a guy, what
chance do they have?"
Dear Dr. Neder,
I've been dating a man for almost 3 months now. I've very much been the
short-lived relationship kind of gal in the past. Typically at 3 months,
I'll find some reason to end the relationship. Whether it's not feeling
a physical connection, or not feeling an emotional connection, or, I
just can't stand his family, or he has some annoying habit I can't look
past.
With the new person, I have none of those
issues, we connect in all ways. But for some reason, I can't stop
thinking that one day, he'll change his mind about how he feels, or that
he's not really telling the truth when he says he'll love me and never
leave. I know I have abandonment issues, from a mother that has not
spoken with me since I was 15. I'm 29 now and my boyfriend is 27. We
knew each other for well over 6 months before we made our relationship
official. He had an on again off again relationship during those 6
months, and at one point we were intimate during that time.
I believe that incident may be forcing me to
think that he will just do that to me as well. He claims his feelings
are different, and I do believe him, but can I trust him? How do I make
that decision and ignore the past? How do I stop sabotaging my
relationships?
Hello!
First of all, expecting someone to never leave you is instantly setting
yourself up for failure. How can someone ever make that promise in
reality? Even if he believes it, it's impossible to make such a promise
- and even worse to expect someone to live by it. There are 1001 reasons
why someone has to move on.
It's far, far better to believe that someone might actually leave you
rather than to expect they won't. Why? Simple: because that way you'll
invest (and continue to invest) in the relationship in order to keep
them around. Women actually use all sorts of "relationship tricks" to
try to get such a commitment from a man. Marriage is even one of these!
Men are under huge pressure from women, other men and even society to be
"honorable" and to live by their word, (interestingly, women are under
no such obligation!) Thus, by trying to get a man to make such a
commitment, women often feel that he is then obligated to never leave
her; or some other ridiculous belief.
These same women then "give up" trying to continue to earn their man;
believing that they actually own him due to the promise. When he finally
does leave because he's not getting what he wants, she turns around and
blames him rather than seeing that SHE was the reason for it all alone.
Do you see why it's a mistake to try to believe that a man would never
leave you or to even try to extract such a promise?
Here's the reality: no man will leave any relationship in which his
needs are being met. How simple is that? If you continue to make sure
he's taken care of, he'll continue to make sure you're secure - and also
taken care of! That's a pretty good relationship in my book!
When you talk about things like "trust"; there's an incorrect belief
that trust is based on someone else - what they do, say, think, etc.
It's not. Trust is an internal thing. Go to my website (http://beingaman.com)
and watch the short video on Trust under BAM TV. This will give you a
much better perspective on exactly what trust is. You have all the
control on trust - not your boyfriend.
As to how to make that decision - it's very easy. Simply realize that
you have the power here. You control not only the quality of, but the
longevity of your relationship with your boyfriend. When you give up and
stop thinking of his needs, you also risk the relationship. It's that
simple.
Finally; about sabotaging your relationships: you're already on that
road by just asking this question. You're seeking answers and that is
the second step - the first is realizing that you have the problem in
the first place. What's the next? Just taking responsibility for the
quality - and life - of your relationships and deciding that you're
going to make them work as long as you're also getting what you want and
need from them. This is what it means to "work on your relationship".
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder
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Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You
can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World",
visit:
www.beingaman.com
Copyright (c) 2007 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
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