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I Don’t Trust Myself!

DR. DENNIS NEDER AND KYLIE Dr. Dennis Neder, Author: "Being a Man in a Woman's World"

"It's not unusual to have feelings of insecurity at times. These will fade unless you inflict them on the relationship!"

Dear Doc,
I have been dating a man for two years now. The first year was filled with cheating and lies (on his part - I am as loyal as they come).

We moved in together after he did some soul searching and since then things have been great. I finally feel that I can trust him and actually have felt 95% sure of our relationship. I do everything for him that I can because I love it, in all areas of a relationship.

However, over the past two weeks there have been a few things that have caused me some concern. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like "something’s up". He's not distant and nothing has changed, but I am getting that gut feeling over a few small things, like, the cell phone ringing and he isn't answering it saying it is a friend that he doesn’t want to talk to. Today when I met him for lunch he had a notepad on his desk and broke his arm to turn it over so I couldn't see it.

I don't know what to do. It is affecting my behavior as he has asked me if something is wrong. I say nothing and "pretend" everything is fine. I am sick over it. What should I do? I think that I should continue to be wonderful and if something is up it will eventually surface, but I am feeling like a cow being let to slaughter.

How would you handle this? Please help me!!

First, you have no proof of anything - you're just feeling insecure about it. Is that really something to hinge the relationship on? I don't think so. It's not unusual to have feelings of insecurity at times. These will fade - unless you inflict them on the relationship! Then, you're going to have to deal with the mistrust issues on their own merit because you lack proof.

Speaking of trust, let's discuss that for a moment:

"Trust" is something that comes from inside of you - not outside. Nobody can "make you trust them." That just isn't how trust works. Let me give you a few examples: do you "trust" him to pick up something from the store when he promises? Do you "trust" him to meet you at the airport? Of course you do. You see, you "trust" not because you absolutely know a thing is going to happen. You "trust" because of the weight YOU put on that issue and how YOU can handle it if it doesn't work out. If he forgets to get bread, you can just run out and get it yourself, and your relationship will be saved. If he gets stuck in traffic, you'll pick up your cell phone and determine that he's on his way and you'll live happily ever after.

Your trust for him within the relationship works the same way. When you know that you are the key component in your own happiness, nobody else can make that happen for you. Feelings of insecurity that creep in from time to time won't have an affect on your relationship because you trust yourself to make the right judgments and the right choices.

If you actually determined that he was unfaithful to you, even that wouldn't affect your trust! The reason is that you'd say, (as I would, since you asked how I would handle this), "Too bad for him - going out for beer when he had champagne at home..." Then, you'd simply move on and find someone that appreciates champagne!

The bottom line? Without proof, you don't know that anything either is or isn't going on. Simply suspecting someone isn't enough - everyone goes through periods of interest in other people outside of their relationships - even you. Being attracted to someone isn't the same as starting a relationship with them or having sex with them. It's a natural part of any growing relationship.

Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder

Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at for answers.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:


Copyright (c) Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.



Dr. Dennis Neder


Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: 
About The Book:

Men and women continue to complain about their relationships. Married or single, the same issues seem to keep coming up.

Many men have trouble meeting women. They might meet them; they just can't get their numbers. When they do get a number, they can't get them to go out. When they do get them to go out, they wind up spending a fortune and getting dumped a month later. Of those that actually do establish relationships, they find them unfulfilling and fraught with the same, consistent, almost predictable problems.

This book began life about 13 years ago. It was directed to the single man looking for love in Southern California. Since then, it has evolved into something similar, but much more broad in scope. It seeks to bridge the gap between men and women by combining an understanding of men's place in today's world of women, communication skills, sales skills, and an organized plan - once and for all. It does this by focusing on the man's core - who we are, by evolution, by education, by society, and by necessity.

Men and women have continued to have the same problems for hundreds of years. It's time to put these problems to rest. We are in a woman-focused time in history. Not that this is bad, but it is one-sided. Men have an opportunity to succeed in their relationships just as they have strived to succeed in their jobs.

It's time for men to take their place. To be the partners that women want them to be. Not necessarily what they say they want, but what they really want - and need! As men we owe this to our women. Women crave who and what we are fundamentally. May the joy of being a man become part of your daily life. May the women in your life find new reasons to love and cherish you. May you begin to get along, communicate, and find your best with your partner. I wish this for you.

Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:

aLoveLinksPlus is pleased to feature Dr. Dennis Neder every Thursday with new articles to help men take their place as partners in a women's world.



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