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Dr. Dennis Neder,
Author:
"Being a Man in a Woman's World"
"It's not unusual to
have feelings of insecurity at times. These will fade unless you inflict
them on the relationship!"
Dear Doc,
I have been dating a man for two years now. The first year was filled
with cheating and lies (on his part - I am as loyal as they come).
We moved in together after he did some soul searching and since then
things have been great. I finally feel that I can trust him and actually
have felt 95% sure of our relationship. I do everything for him that I
can because I love it, in all areas of a relationship.
However, over the past two weeks there have been a few things that have
caused me some concern. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel
like "something’s up". He's not distant and nothing has changed, but I
am getting that gut feeling over a few small things, like, the cell
phone ringing and he isn't answering it saying it is a friend that he
doesn’t want to talk to. Today when I met him for lunch he had a notepad
on his desk and broke his arm to turn it over so I couldn't see it.
I don't know what to do. It is affecting my behavior as he has asked me
if something is wrong. I say nothing and "pretend" everything is fine. I
am sick over it. What should I do? I think that I should continue to be
wonderful and if something is up it will eventually surface, but I am
feeling like a cow being let to slaughter.
How would you handle this? Please help me!!
Hello!
First, you have no proof of anything - you're just feeling insecure
about it. Is that really something to hinge the relationship on? I don't
think so. It's not unusual to have feelings of insecurity at times.
These will fade - unless you inflict them on the relationship! Then,
you're going to have to deal with the mistrust issues on their own merit
because you lack proof.
Speaking of trust, let's discuss that for a moment:
"Trust" is something that comes from inside of you - not outside. Nobody
can "make you trust them." That just isn't how trust works. Let me give
you a few examples: do you "trust" him to pick up something from the
store when he promises? Do you "trust" him to meet you at the airport?
Of course you do. You see, you "trust" not because you absolutely know a
thing is going to happen. You "trust" because of the weight YOU put on
that issue and how YOU can handle it if it doesn't work out. If he
forgets to get bread, you can just run out and get it yourself, and your
relationship will be saved. If he gets stuck in traffic, you'll pick up
your cell phone and determine that he's on his way and you'll live
happily ever after.
Your trust for him within the relationship works the same way. When you
know that you are the key component in your own happiness, nobody else
can make that happen for you. Feelings of insecurity that creep in from
time to time won't have an affect on your relationship because you trust
yourself to make the right judgments and the right choices.
If you actually determined that he was unfaithful to you, even that
wouldn't affect your trust! The reason is that you'd say, (as I would,
since you asked how I would handle this), "Too bad for him - going out
for beer when he had champagne at home..." Then, you'd simply move on
and find someone that appreciates champagne!
The bottom line? Without proof, you don't know that anything either is
or isn't going on. Simply suspecting someone isn't enough - everyone
goes through periods of interest in other people outside of their
relationships - even you. Being attracted to someone isn't the same as
starting a relationship with them or having sex with them. It's a
natural part of any growing relationship.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder
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Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You
can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World",
visit:
www.beingaman.com
Copyright (c) 2007-2008 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
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