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Dr. Dennis Neder,
Author:
"Being a Man in a Woman's World"
Dear Dennis:
I'm a 19 year-old girl and am pretty inexperienced when it comes to
relationships. I'm scared of ending up in an unhealthy relationship like
so many of my friends claim to have been in. I don't really know the
difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships which is what
worries me.
Some of my friends have told me it's unhealthy to be with someone who
needs you too much but how much is too much? Others have told me it's
unhealthy to need the person you're with at all in a relationship. I
don't know what to believe!
My boyfriend told me last night he loved and needed me and it scared me.
I didn't know how to interpret it. I kept thinking does he mean he can't
live or function without me or that he simply can't imagine his life
without me?
What does it mean to need someone in a relationship anyway? How can I
tell a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one? And is it ok to need
the person you're with? Why are break-ups so painful? Is it because of
your broken heart or because you need that person in your life and
they're no longer there?
Thanks so much for taking the time to answer me, I really appreciate it.
Hello!
Let me set you straight here. It's not unhealthy to be wanted - or to
want someone in a relationship. However, it's unhealthy to want someone
or to be wanted in an UNHEALTHY relationship.
Your girlfriends are simply spouting some stupid thing they've heard on
Dr. Phil or read in Cosmo. Unfortunately, these women also don't know
reality from marketing hype.
There is a mis-belief that being independent in a relationship is a good
thing, but let me ask you - how many of your girlfriends are in
long-term, healthy relationships themselves? None? I thought so.
We are a media-dominated society. Unfortunately, people (especially
young women) are picking up all sorts of stupid, meaningless advice by
those with a greater agenda rather than learning what reality is.
Let me give you a dose of reality: in "healthy" relationships, people
are "interdependent" on each other. They bring their own strengths to
the table, and willingly rely on the strengths of their partner where
they are weak. This isn't unhealthy at all - it's the height of health!
In fact, nobody "needs" another person unless they are very mentally and
emotionally ill. These are rare people however and frankly, you'll
probably not meet very many of them in your life.
What's much more common is to realize that other people help you make
you feel "whole" and that's a good thing! If you were entirely whole by
yourself, you'd never need or want to have anyone else in your life ever
- and THAT is unhealthy too!
The fact is that others make those good parts of us even stronger.
Trying to deny that fact leads to all sorts of unhealthy beliefs and
behaviors - just like your girlfriends' beliefs and behaviors. Take a
look at how they view their past relationships as an example.
Your boyfriend is simply saying that you "complete him" which is
actually very healthy. You shouldn't be freaked out about hearing that,
nor should you be freaked out about feeling it yourself. Regardless of
what your friends say or you may hear on Oprah or read in Cosmo or even
see on TV, needing and being needed is the foundation of any good
relationship.
As to why break-ups hurt so much, it's simple: it's because you get used
to feeling "complete" through the other person. You invest your heart -
and head - in the relationship and get back far, far more than you put
in. It's like winning big in Vegas!
When that ends, you feel the loss, but here's another important fact:
that feeling of loss eventually fades away, and you're left with only
the good feelings and memories of that person! This is like a little
gift from nature, but more important, you get to keep that strength you
gained from having been in the relationship itself, and invest it in
another relationship later on as a better, stronger even happier you.
How cool is that?
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder
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Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You
can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World",
visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com
Copyright (c) 2006 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
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