Dr. Dennis Neder,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World"
"Stop being such a
self-centered, insecure little child and wake up! You're going to tear
your relationship apart over absolutely nothing!"
Ever since I started living with my boyfriend I've caught him
masturbating. At the beginning he would watch porno and masturbate, I
told him this really upset me and he said that he wouldn't do it again.
He also eventually got rid of all the porno.
Well everything was good - or at least I think it was, until recently I
have caught him masturbating. He doesn't do it to porn, he does it when
he goes it bed. (We don't go to bed at the same time; I go to bed much
later) Anyways I confronted him about this and told him that it hurts me
that he would rather masturbate than be with me. Than a week later, I
caught him again. I explained to him again, that I feel that I can't
trust him (not that he would cheat, just that he is going to masturbate
again) and I told him that it really hurts me and upsets me that he
chooses to do this, than be with me. I feel like it's my fault. Maybe he
doesn't find me attractive. He says that he does, but I am unsure. I
doubt our relationship now. Don't get me wrong, he is an amazing man and
I love him more than anything. Really the only thing wrong is this. I
just don't know what to do. I don't really have anyone to talk to about
Please help. Thank You.
Ok, reality time: you're NEVER going to get him to stop masturbating -
NEVER. All you'll ever do is to drive him underground with it. Is that
really the type of relationship you want to have? One where your guy is
hiding himself from you? I'd sure as hell hope not, but that's exactly
where you're going trying to get him to stop it. Eventually, he's going
to start hiding all sorts of things from you - and he's going to get so
good at it you'll never even know. Trust me on this one - I see it all
His masturbating isn't hurting you at all and he's not doing it to avoid
you at all. Stop being such a self-centered, insecure little child and
wake up! You're going to tear your relationship apart over absolutely
Here's more reality: masturbating isn't about love or caring or anything
like that. It's about tension relief, pure and simple. It has nothing to
do with you - other than the fact that you've made it an issue by being
so insecure (and immature) about it! That doesn't bode very well for
you, now does it?
In fact, you should be HAPPY about him jerking off! You should even
encourage him to do this! Let's face it, making love is incredible, but
it's also a lot of hard work. Sometimes, we just need some time alone to
explore our own fantasies. This is how we safely grow our own
sexualities, and frankly, if YOU aren't masturbating regularly, you're
cheating HIM because you can't explore your deepest, most personal
sexuality when you're with him either.
Here's even MORE reality: by preventing him from being sexually relieved
and living in a comfortable sexual environment, you're actually helping
him to cheat on you! (No shit!) Trying to get him to not masturbate
means he's walking around with a loaded weapon! He's not going to live
with that sort of tension for very long and if he gets the chance to
unload that weapon - even if it's not with you - he's going to take it.
After all, if he hides a little from you, it's not hard to hide a lot.
GET OVER IT ALREADY! More important: go to him and apologize for all of
this! Tell him right away that you realize what's going on and that you
never want him to hide anything from you ever again. You made a mistake
by demanding he stop masturbating because you were thinking only of
yourself and relationships aren't about "ourselves" at all. They're
about the people we're with - and their comfort and happiness too.
You might even add this to your sex lives as an adjunct. You can
masturbate together and get off on watching each other if you haven't
already done so much damage here that he can't. I just hope for your
sake (and the sake of your relationship) that's not the case.
Relationships are fragile things Vanessa! They can easily be destroyed
with such ridiculous things.
Dr. Dennis Neder
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You
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Copyright (c) Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.