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Dr. Dennis Neder,
Author:
"Being a Man in a Woman's World"
"If you're insecure and use that as
an excuse to create problems in your relationship, it's you that needs
to get this straightened out and it has nothing to do with your father."
Hey Doc,
Thank you so much for your time and attention.
I have been living with my boyfriend for about 8 months now. He doesn't
like my father as according to him "my view of men is distorted by the
secretive way he (my father) acts towards my mother".
According to him my
insecurities and jealousy have a root right there and therefore he
claims he "unfortunately" does not like him. It got me thinking if my
insecurities are the only trouble there and if I was less insecure he
would not dislike my father.
In other words, I'd like
to know, according to your experience and knowledge, how bad is that in
a relationship that the man does not like the girlfriend's father and
how much that fact (not liking the father) could affect the success of a
relationship. Could there be another meaning to it apart just than
blaming him for my insecurity? Is that enough of a reason for disliking
someone?
Thank you very much!
Hello!
That seems pretty convenient on his part. He gets to blame your dad so
that he doesn't have to blame you! I'm assuming you're an adult here and
if you're this insecure, I'm afraid your dad isn't the problem - you
are.
When you become an adult, your parents have no further hold on you. What
they taught you as a child holds some weight, but in fact, it's entirely
your choices that govern your life. If you're insecure and use that as
an excuse to create problems in your relationship, it's you that needs
to get this straightened out and it has nothing to do with your father.
In fact, it's not uncommon for couples to have problems with parents -
and vice versa. Nobody is ever good enough for their little daughters!
The reality however is that most people work through that. Your
boyfriend needs to work through that for a number of reasons:
* It doesn't appear he really even knows your father very well. He
simply sees what he sees from an outsider's point of view. Whether he
agrees with it or not, it's none of his damn business. Further, the
relationship your mom and dad have is between them and NOBODY (no, not
even you!) really knows what it's all about.
* Your relationship with your father is an important one. Because it's
important to you, it needs to be important to him too.
* Your boyfriend needs to put the responsibility for the problems where
they really lay - with you. I'm not singling you out for any problems
you may (or may not!) have, I'm simply saying that any problems a couple
faces are because of the couple themselves. Family, friends, ex-lovers,
pets, etc., have no bearing on this as only those two people control the
effects created by outside influences.
In fact, this can be quite bad; not because he doesn't like your father
for some nebulous reason (as I've already said, the problems he has with
you are simply redirected to your father, not because of him), but
because he's not dealing with the specific issue, choosing instead to
brush it off to someone that you can't deal with.
I'm sure you dad is no saint either. We all have things we do that are
both good and bad, but before your boyfriend sits in judgment of him, he
should at least get to know him as a friend, more than just an
acquaintance. If he does that and still doesn't like him, he doesn't
have to be your dad's buddy. On the other hand, he shouldn't be
redirecting his frustrations at dad either.
Now, care to talk about your insecurities???
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder
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Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You
can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World",
visit:
www.beingaman.com
Copyright (c) 2007-2008 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com
______________________________________________________________
About The Book:
Men and women continue to complain about their relationships. Married or single, the same issues seem to keep coming up.
Many men have trouble meeting women. They might meet them; they just can't get their numbers. When they do get a number, they can't get them to go out. When they do get them to go out, they wind up spending a fortune and getting dumped a month later. Of those that actually do establish relationships, they find them unfulfilling and fraught with the same, consistent, almost predictable problems.
This book began life about 13 years ago. It was directed to the single man looking for love in Southern California. Since then, it has evolved into something similar, but much more broad in scope. It seeks to bridge the gap between men and women by combining an understanding of men's place in today's world of women, communication skills, sales skills, and an organized plan - once and for all. It does this by focusing on the man's core - who we are, by evolution, by education, by society, and by necessity.
Men and women have continued to have the same problems for hundreds of years. It's time to put these problems to rest. We are in a woman-focused time in history. Not that this is bad, but it is one-sided. Men have an opportunity to succeed in their relationships just as they have strived to succeed in their jobs.
It's time for men to take their place. To be the partners that women want them to be. Not necessarily what they say they want, but what they really want - and need! As men we owe this to our women. Women crave who and what we are fundamentally. May the joy of being a man become part of your daily life. May the women in your life find new reasons to love and cherish you. May you begin to get along, communicate, and find your best with your partner. I wish this for you.
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com
aLoveLinksPlus is pleased to feature Dr. Dennis Neder every
week with new articles to help men take their place as partners in a women's
world.
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