Dr. Dennis Neder,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World"
I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 26, we've been going together for 7 years,
but quite honestly the last few years have not been good and this summer
I really started distancing myself from him.
I have my own apartment, job and car, pay all my own bills, etc. he on
the other hand still lives at home with his mom!! He is very
irresponsible and I am just getting turned off by the whole situation.
He barely works maybe only about 20 hours a week and that's being
generous, he usually only works 10 or 15 hours a week. He doesn't give
his mom any money to help out with bills, and whenever he needs money
his mom gives it to him.
In the past he would ask me for money and I would give it to him, but
over the last year when he asks I tell him I don't have it. I feel that
if I can go to work everyday and support myself then so can he. He is
very irresponsible and unorganized you have to constantly remind him to
do things like he's a child and it's really starting to take its toll on
me. The past few months have been pretty bad, we constantly argue
(mostly about his work ethics and being irresponsible and lazy) and
lately I just don't even like being around him.
He always makes excuses as to why he can't find a job. One excuse was
because he didn't have a car. So I purchased a new car and instead of
trading in my old car I told him he could drive it all he had to do was
get his own insurance and keep the oil changed. He couldn't even do
At one point we were talking about moving in together. At the time my
lease was up and we still were trying to decide what we were going to
do, so I didn't renew my lease and went on a month to month lease. Since
I wasn't under a contract I had to pay an additional $50.00 dollars per
month and he said he would pay it. Needless to say I never received one
We have talked about getting married but I don't want to marry him
because he really doesn't have anything to offer. I give him leads on
jobs and he never follows up I give him applications and he never fills
Every time I make comments about him finding a job or his finances he
says I think I'm better so now I don't even say anything.
I really don't know what else to do and I'm starting to feel like dating
other people because I'm tired of having to pay for everything when we
go out or not even going out at all because he never has any money.
Welcome to the "other side".
Men face this problem quite often. Not so much where women are just
plain lazy, but in fact, men end up paying 74% of all dating costs and
around 62% of costs in the marriage and let's not even talk about
divorce! Men have to make the decision as to whether it's a reasonable
financial decision to date any woman.
Relationships are not built on a balance sheet. If you spend your time
looking for men that can support you financially, you may find them, but
in at least some cases, you'll give up something in return. It may be
emotional, spiritual, physical or in some other way, but there's always
Now, with that said, they key aspect to your question comes in the fact
that you are no longer attracted to him because of all of this.
This comes down to the most primitive needs we experience as men and
women. It's a fact that men are mostly attracted to women because of
your looks and women are mostly attracted to men because of our power.
One of the easiest ways to determine a man's power is through is career
Like most women, you're ability to feel safe, secure and even loved come
a lot from your partner's power. If you don't see this power in him, you
can't feel those things, and hence, the attraction isn't there. I
believe that everyone should strive to have what they want in their
lives and right up at the top is love.
Now, here's the bad news:
As time goes along, men (and woman too) continue to earn more and gain
more power. Unfortunately, as time goes along, your looks will begin to
fade. That's a cold, hard reality. In effect, while men's stock
continues to rise, women's continue to fall.
I would hope that men would understand that looks make be the first
reason they're attracted to particular women, there are many other
things that are important and while looks fade, the others don't.
Likewise, I'd hope that women look at a man from the potential to give
her what she needs in many ways - not just financial - as even this can
go away. Ultimately that's why we form "partnerships" - to be able to
pick up where our partner falls off - and this is never a balanced
In order to put this into better perspective, I wrote a software tool
called the "Rating Instrument" that's available for free on my website.
It gives people a chance to "rate" potential partners in many different
aspects (as determined by their goals). It works for both men and women
using different criteria. You might want to get a copy and run your
boyfriend through it to see just how he fits. I think you'll be
So, here's the end-game: this guy doesn't seem like a good match for you
as you're no longer attracted to him and I think you should move on.
However, if you make a man's finances your primary (or even secondary)
focus, you're missing the boat and will look back years from now
regretting your decision.
Dr. Dennis Neder
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You
can write to me at
firstname.lastname@example.org for answers.
For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World",
Copyright (c) 2007 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.