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Dr. Dennis Neder,
Author:
"Being a Man in a Woman's World"
"Your parents on the
other hand are free to give you the respect and courtesy you deserve in
those decisions. If they don't like them and they've told you
(obviously) then they're free to shut the hell up and treat you as an
adult!"
Dear Doc,
I have a fairly serious issue regarding my parents and my relationship
with my boyfriend. I am 22 years old and I live completely on my own,
however, my parents still give me problems about my boyfriend. My
boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years. I love him very much
and he loves me very much. Unfortunately, my parents don't like him at
all!
He is 29 years old and he didn't go to college (which is their biggest
problem with him). He is a carpenter and they have issues with that. He
had some trouble getting his life on track but he is doing pretty well
now. Basically, every time I am with him I feel guilty because I know my
parents are angry. I am going away with him this weekend for his
birthday and I got the typical attitude from my parents when I mentioned
it.
My mom stopped speaking to me for a week one time after I mentioned I
was going over to my boyfriend's house for the night. Now I can't tell
her where I am when I am with him and it is absolutely ridiculous in my
mind, especially since I do live on my own and pay everything on my own.
I have a great job and a great apartment and I don't really need my
parents for anything.
They just can't seem to let go, though. On top of all of that my
boyfriend is starting to feel like I'm hiding him, which makes me feel
awful. I feel like I'm always lying and hiding things and I just don't
want to do it anymore. How do I handle my parents?
Please help!
Hello!
You handle it by realizing that it's their problem - not yours.
Just because they're your parents doesn't mean that they're "wise". In
fact, this is down-right stupid! (Feel free to tell them I said so if
you wish.) They feel that punishing you by withholding their love is
going to motivate you to do the things they want you to do. Frankly,
that's pretty screwed up, but not as screwed up as you letting them do
it to you!
You're an adult with your own direction now and you are free to make
whatever decisions about your life you wish to make. Your parents on the
other hand are free to give you the respect and courtesy you deserve in
those decisions. If they don't like them and they've told you
(obviously) then they're free to shut the hell up and treat you as an
adult!
You have to help them here however. I'm not recommending that you
estrange yourself from your folks, but frankly, if they insist on this
childish game, then they don't deserve to have access to your life.
In fact, look at what's happening: you're not changing your
relationship, you're just driving it underground. Is that really the
kind of relationship your parents want with you? If so, then you haven't
lost very much in my humble.
Tell them to back the hell off already. They don't have to love your
boyfriend if they don't want to, but they'd better damn well respect
your decisions as the adult you are - and treat you AND your decisions
with respect. After all, they spent the first part of your life giving
you the tools to make these decisions. To come back now and be unhappy
about the way you're using them doesn't reflect poorly on you, it
reflects poorly on them.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder
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Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You
can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World",
visit:
www.beingaman.com
Copyright (c) 2007-2008 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
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