Author: "Being a Man in a Woman's World"
"As soon as he has you, he'll be totally done with it all and will be moving on to the next hunt. You're never going to land this guy or end all the games."
Dear Dr. Neder,
I have been reading your column for a while and I never thought that I might need help myself. But lo and behold I am here writing you this letter. I am naturally a cocky, funny asshole beautiful girl which lets me date out of my league and makes men bend over backwards for me.
I started working and met this guy. He was cocky and funny, but so am I. He obviously liked me and I started liking him even though in the beginning I avoided him because of the player vibe.
He kept trying to hang out with me, even offering to cook me dinner (a seal the deal meal). Finally I cave after dissing him for like ever, we hang out, he tries to kiss me and I back up. We keep hanging out. He tells me to come see him, I diss him. He tells me to call him and I don't. I basically hang out with him and hook up, but I keep a distance. I haven't had sex with him yet and I am freaking out.
The other day at work, he kept talking about needing sex. We had made plans that night and I told him it was alright if he wanted to hang out with some else that would have sex with him. I was cool with it (test 1).
I put it in a way that let him know I don't care if he bangs other chicks. He said he still wanted to hang out with me and I somehow ended up blowing him that night!
I feel like a whore because I’ve been seeing him for only a month. I told him after breakfast, "Listen, I can have sex with basically anyone I want, so I prefer to actually like the person". He said, "You don't like me?" I said, "No I do."
Tell me how you think I can tell what his intentions are without all these damn tests. I keep mind fucking this guy and he keeps doing it back. I want to have sex with him, but not if he is banging other people. That is so grimy.
I really like him and want to be with him, but I don't want to get hurt so I keep being an asshole.
Thanks for your help.
Here's the real problem: this guy doesn't give a shit about you. All he's interested in is the chase itself.
You're playing this guy and he's digging the chase. That should tell you something right there! What self-respecting guy would EVER put up with all that crap? Answer: no one I know! With me, (or one of my students) you'd have been history after the very first game!
I see so many girls doing exactly what you're doing - and every one of them (and I mean EVERY one of them) comes back with the same complaint: they can't land the guy; or if they do, he doesn't stick around and if he does, he mistreats her. Think about this: after putting him through all this shit, how in the hell could you EVER be worth it? Second answer: you can't. As soon as he has you, he'll be totally done with it all and will be moving on to the next hunt. You're never going to land this guy or end all the games.
That, my dear, is the reality.
You see, the basics of any relationship aren't here. You totally lack any respect between you whatsoever! What sort of relationship can you ever build without that? Third answer: not any sort of one that would ever be worthwhile.
So, here's even more reality:
1) You're not going to accept anything I've told you. You're convinced that being a jackass, holding the guy off as long as you can, Testing him and throwing game after game at him is the only way to build and keep his interest. You simply don’t know any better.
2) He doesn't give a rat's ass about you. He's only in it for the chase.
3) You want him to give a rat's ass about you and that's why you do these dumb (and I mean REALLY dumb) things!
4) You're going to try to do this to the next guy too and he's
either going to:
a) Dump you for being a game player, or
b) Play your game and dump you the minute he gets you because, he isn't interested in you either. He's interested in the game.
5) You're going to blame me for being wrong until YOU wise up.
6) One day you WILL wise up and then, I'm going to become an instant genius in your eyes.
One more thing: relationships (I mean REAL relationships - not this ridiculous thing you're trying to build here) are all about risk. Of course, this thing you're building isn't about risk at all - it's 100% guaranteed that you're going to get dumped from this guy because you're setting yourself up for it.
Healthy relationships on the other hand have their own risks too, but it's far, far less than 100%! Think about this: what sort of relationship would it be if you didn't invest yourself in it; if it were only about the games and trying to manipulate the other person so that you wouldn't have to take any real risks of getting hurt?
Oh yeah, that's right - it'd be exactly what you have now with this
guy. Sorry, I forgot.
Dr. Dennis Neder
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at email@example.com for answers.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.beingaman.com
Copyright (c) 2007-2009 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com