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Rebuilding a Sexual Relationship

DR. DENNIS NEDER AND KYLIEDr. Dennis Neder, Author: "Being a Man in a Woman's World"

"It’s not that you have to do exactly this every time you want to have sex, but you need to show her consistently that you’re attentive to more than just her body."

Dear Doc,

I’ve been dating this girl for a year now, and she tells me tonight through the phone (long distance relationship) that when I approach her before sex I only approach one way and that’s climbing on top of her. She says I approach her like a horny virgin and I don’t turn her on and she gets frustrated. She doesn’t want to have sex unless she feels like having sex which is not very often.

I need to know what I’m doing wrong! I only know one move and after a year I’m only now hearing about this! I get frustrated when we don’t have sex for a long time, but I tend to not show it.

I ask her on occasion why we don’t have sex more often, and she says that I just don’t turn her on anymore.

HOW DO I TURN THIS AROUND?? How else can I approach her while lying in bed other then crawling on top of her kissing her or rolling her on top of me? We used to have amazing sex in the beginning for about 4 or 5 months but I’m loosing my masculine confident self while she points out all the things I do wrong – but nothing I can do to make it better.

Can you help me? Thank you


This is actually an excellent question and I'm glad you've asked it. Far too many guys get into this situation and do nothing about it. You have an important lesson to learn here that's going to serve you well for the rest of your life if you really understand just a few points.

Men and women have VERY different sex drives. They are equally powerful, but you (as the guy) have to learn how a women sex is different from yours.

First of all, women don't have the same natural responses we have. We get hard and we're ready to go. Women don't work that way usually and in fact, if they do in the beginning often lose that response because of all the things we guys DON'T know and DON'T do - that they absolutely need. This is exactly where you are now.

Let me add this important point here: many guys react to this problem by throwing out the old "standards" like buying flowers and gifts, taking her to dinner, etc. These things are the actions of someone that doesn't understand the problem. They can be fine if you are CLEAR on WHY they are important, and that's the real issue - understanding the problem itself. If you know WHY the problem exists, you'll know WHAT to do about it. If you only know the WHAT'S and never learn the WHY'S, you're sunk - and women pick this right up.

Here's the fact: whereas you're ready to go as soon as you get the notion to have sex, that notion is just the very, very, very early beginnings with women. The notion just tells their brains to that maybe, possibly they might be interested in having sex. It takes a long time for their bodies to catch up.

Further, they are stimulated EMOTIONALLY NOT PHYSICALLY. You need to connect and build rapport with her EACH TIME you want to have sex. For you, once you've done this with a woman, you're always ready. For women however, they need it each and every time. If it doesn't happen, they start equating sex with NOT being ready but going through the emotions. In effect, they are actually PRACTICING not being sexual with you if you do this! That habit turns into all sorts of things in women's minds including not being sexually attracted to you any more. I want you to really study what I've told you so far. You need to understand how women's minds work because they are VERY different from yours and mine.

ONLY WHEN you understand these points will what I'm about to tell you make any sense - so don't cheat yourself by rushing through trying to do all the WHAT'S I'm about to give you. Instead, understand WHY these things will work FIRST.

The very next time you see her, before you even say a single word, I want you to press her up against the wall, and kiss her softly, but passionately. Don't shove your tongue down her throat! Just kiss her softly on the lips while sandwiching her again you and the wall. Don't go for her breasts or pussy or ass - just kiss her, that's all. Let it linger for a few moments. Then, slowly pull back and say "hi" and act like nothing happened.

Next, go have a "date". Go do something fun, go have dinner, etc. Hold her hand, stroke her hair, etc. All of these indirect signals tell her that something special is going to happen later. When you're walking together, holding her hand, just stop and let her keep walking, then (carefully!) swing her around back toward you, pull her against you and kiss her again. Don't do a lot of this - a little goes a long way.

Later on when you get home, take a little while to relax and talk. Find out about her day and what she's been thinking - work on getting her to talk and open up to you. After an hour or so (yes, it takes some time!) offer to give her a back rub. Get her in bed and get some massage oil. Light some candles (scented preferably) and turn out the lights. Spend some real time letting her get into the sensual environment you're creating. Make sure you have a towel handy to wipe off the excess oil.

Then, after half an hour of the massage, dry her off and turn her over. Then, don't jump on top of her yet! Instead, spend some time making out - like you used to before you started having sex. Explore her lips and face and hair and body. Don't go right in for sex yet. Let it linger. If you do all of this right, it's going to take at least a couple of hours! Yes, I know that seems like a very long time, but the key is to understand that women build up slowly - sometimes VERY slowly! You need to give her that time! If you do this regularly, you'll find that she'll be great with quickies on occasion too.

The other thing to consider is that this is a very long time for you to wait! That means, it's going to be tough to hold off while you're doing all of this. I suggest you unload your own weapon earlier in the day so you're not so eager when you see her. Trying to do all of this with a round in the chamber is extremely difficult.

Be aware that you’re building a pattern here. It’s not that you have to do exactly this every time you want to have sex, but you need to show her consistently that you’re attentive to more than just her body. When a woman’s mind is engaged, her body naturally follows.

Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder

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Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at for answers.
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Copyright (c) 2007-2009 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: 

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