Author: "Being a Man in a Woman's World"
"There is nothing so fundamental or powerful than a person's sexuality. It is the basis of every other thing you are. It dictates everything from the clothes you wear to the car you drive to the friends you have to the words you choose to use."
Dear Dr. Neder,
I've been dating this girl and to me it seems that she doesn't value herself enough. She does/says things that in my opinion, only a hoe, or a girl becoming one would do/say. She likes talking about sex, gets bothered if we don't, has said that it’s like a regular conversation to her, and is uncommonly for a girl, very open about sex in general.
She also recently said that she has accepted that she isn't a challenge when it comes to having sex with her. The reason she mentioned that was because I had previously tried to help her see that for a girl to talk about sex so often and leave nothing to the imagination, it's not really attractive. Once in a while it is, but not all the time. I told her it’s often more attractive when it's a challenge.
I honestly like her, so I guess that's why I tried to make her understand that her and I don't have to have sex all the time for me to be happy, because I like her for who she is aside from that. But I fear that maybe she isn't entirely "easy" in that sense because she wants to make me happy. I fear that she might just be a hoe or heading in that direction.
She says she’s always been that way when it came to sex. So I assume it’s possible she had a low self-esteem with guys and gave it up to them to satisfy them or whatever the case was.
Anyway, I don't want to ramble on for days, I'm sure you get the picture. How do I save her; so to speak? I do really like her and care about her. I've already talked to her about all this somewhat, but I want to make sure how to go about this.
What makes you think it's not "common" for women to talk about sex all the time? Have you ever heard a bunch of women talking to each other in real life? (Not in the movies!) Damn - they talk about sex ALL the time!
This doesn't make the girl a "ho" (not a "hoe" - that's a garden tool) ;) It means she has a strong sense of her own sexuality. That's actually an incredibly good thing! You should be EXCITED about that.
…Unless you don't feel that good about YOUR sexuality.
Here's the reality: there's nothing to "save" here. If your sexual sensibilities are so different than hers, then she's simply not the girl for you. More to the point, you're simply not the guy for HER! In fact, her self-esteem is just great and I'll explain how I know that in a moment. It's YOU that I'm worried about here.
There is nothing so fundamental or powerful than a person's sexuality. It is the basis of every other thing you are. It dictates everything from the clothes you wear to the car you drive to the friends you have to the words you choose to use.
This girl has an extremely strong, HEALTHY sense of her own sexuality. Don't stifle that! Don't create stigma in her mind about it. It's not fair to inflict YOUR problems with sex on her! Whereas she has a very healthy sense of it, you see it as a threat.
So much of our culture is about trying to repress people's sexuality. Do you know why? It's simple: as I've said, there is nothing more powerful or fundamental as someone's sexuality. Christianity and governments figured this out a long time ago! If you can get control over someone's sexuality - how, when and with whom they have sex - then you control and effectively "own" that person. Further, it doesn't matter HOW you control it - by redirecting it, making someone think it's dirty or wrong or repressing it altogether.
This is exactly what you're trying to do with her! Instead of embracing her sexual strength and health and benefiting from it, you're trying to get me to help you undermine it.
DON'T DO THAT! Focus on yourself and YOUR issues here. Start asking yourself why you have this problem with your girlfriend. Her's is the model to follow. Your's is the one to correct.
Dr. Dennis Neder
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Copyright (c) 2007-2009 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com