Author: "Being a Man in a Woman's World"
"If you want to take her to that orgasmic place you'll want to make this fun and no-pressure and you're going to have to accept her giving herself an orgasm. That's perfectly ok by the way!"
Dear Dr. Neder,
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 6 months now. We are in our late 20's. I think our relationship overall is good, but I have some concerns about our sex and I would appreciate your response.
For our entire relationship we have had sex usually 1-2 times a day (morning and/or night). We both enjoy it, but my gf has never had an orgasm with me. I asked if she can get them masturbating alone; she said she can and it doesn't even take long for her to do it, so no problem there.
I have tried many things to improve our sex for her. I have previously been reading on the subject and I believe I got the basics right: long warm-up (not going straight for her breasts/groin), not being too rough, taking our time etc.
Of course I have asked her what/how she likes it and working from there also. The problem is that she either doesn't know or doesn't say very much about her desires, just some small bits of information. Usually she just says she likes all the things I do (doubtful).
I have tried different kinds of fingering and oral that has lasted for over an hour. She gets aroused every time but doesn't orgasm.
We have tried all kinds of different positions and while some are better than others nothing gets her off even if the act lasts over an hour after a long warm-up session.
I've read that it's not my responsibility to make her get the big O, but sometimes it makes me feel like a bad partner. It also makes me enjoy sex less as a result.
She thinks she maybe can't relax herself enough and not think about it when she gets close and that is the problem.
First I thought that maybe she just needs time to feel more comfortable with me but it has been six months now and the problem persists.
I don't know what more to do to make sex better for her. She says she doesn't mind if she doesn't get off but I don't know if she is being honest or just sensitive because she knows I have tried hard.
I rarely raise the subject of her lack of orgasms because I don't want her to feel pressured.
Is this really not a big deal for some women?
Am I wrong for being this worried about it?
What would you suggest we do?
Also any free comments/advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance.
First of all, congratulations for being concerned about this. Many guys simply brush it off and just accept things and move on - to the chagrin of the women they're with. At least you're concerned enough to seek out an answer.
Women are far, far more complicated than we guys are. In order to reproduce, the orgasm in males is a requirement. If we don't climax, there's no reproduction. However, women don't have that requirement. Thus, they have to learn how to do this - and many simply don't work on learning this.
The fact that she can climax when she masturbates however is a very important key. Some women (about 10%) never learn this skill. Others learn it but never get it translated into have orgasms while having sex.
Yes, your girlfriend is enjoying sex with you. She gets the attention, good feelings, closeness, bonding and other benefits, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't want the orgasm too.
Here's the key: since she can orgasm while masturbating, that's where you want to start. You want to make this fun and no-pressure by the way, but for now, you're going to have to accept her giving herself an orgasm. That's perfectly ok by the way!
You can do everything you're doing right now. The difference is that you direct her to masturbate when you want her to climax. Encourage her by the way. Tell her how sexy and beautiful she looks and you can even masturbate yourself if you want to. Many couples enjoy "mutual masturbation" as a regular part of their sex.
The point of this is that she needs to get used to climaxing with you around. Likewise, you need to learn how she masturbates. As I said before, women are far more complicated than us guys are and that includes anatomically. Ever woman masturbates differently and you want to discover exactly what gets her off.
Once she begins being comfortable masturbation - and climaxing - with you next to her, you can begin practicing doing exactly what she does in order to help get her there. Soon enough, you might even be able (depending on how she masturbates) to include it in your sex - when you're inside of her. This is more practice in climaxing when you're coupled.
You might even make this a fun outing! Try hitting a sex shop together and seeing all the fun adult toys that are available. Some stimulate the clitoris, some the g-spot or vagina, some a combination of the two, etc.
Don't choose a toy for her however, let HER choose it. Since she knows what works for her, she'll find just the right thing. By the way, just as women always remember their first boyfriend, their first kiss and their first sex partner, they also remember the first guy that helped them discover sex toys!
Ultimately, the goal isn't to get her to learn how to climax only through sex. Only about 1/3rd of women can do this. The goal instead is to have a satisfying, fun, happy sex life in whatever form it comes in - and that definitely includes her being sexually satisfied when she's with you - not just by herself.
Dr. Dennis Neder
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Copyright (c) 2007-2009 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at email@example.com for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com