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Dr. Dennis Neder,
Author:
"Being a Man in a Woman's World"
"What most guys do is
they get this far and they never bother to close. That is, ask for
digits, a date, or whatever it is that they want."
Dear Dr. Neder,
So a week ago I met this girl. She was an old high school friend of a
new student in my department that I don't know well yet. Anyway, I had a
great time chatting with this girl. We had lived in/traveled to similar
places, had similar complaints about the local traffic, and so on. It
seemed like we had a lot to talk about. At one point, she complained
that she felt there weren't many people our age in the city and she was
having trouble meeting them. I somewhat read this as an invitation to
ask her out.
Anyway, when it looked like the event was breaking, I realized if I
didn't get her number fast I may never get a chance to. So I told her,
"Hey, I had a lot of fun talking to you. Do you want to hang out
sometime?" It was a bit awkward, but she did end up giving me her
number. Afterward, I was a bit stunned with the situation. I'm usually
much more subtle when I get a girl's number (i.e. we talk about a shared
interest and decide we should do something together), so I wasn't used
to so overtly asking a girl out. It also sank in that this girl was
totally gorgeous and interesting, and I had basically lucked out big
time in even getting her number.
I called her the next day intending on setting up a date for sometime
that week, but I came off really nervous and the conversation was pretty
awkward. When I asked her if she wanted to get some coffee or dinner,
she said maybe. When I tried to get her to tell me a time that was good
for her, she said she was pretty busy because she was going out of town
in a couple weeks. The conversation ended shortly after that, and I
didn't really feel so great about the situation.
The day later, I found her on the Facebook and tried to friend her, but
she still hasn't accepted my request.
Anyway, it's been about a week since I tried asking her out, and I
haven't contacted her since. I thought this girl was really interesting,
but maybe I liked her so much it's made me more nervous than I expect
myself to be in these situations. Even if she isn't interested in dating
me, I would still very much like to be this girl's friend. Should I try
contacting her again, or has she given me enough "not interested vibes"
that I should just move on and use my energy more productively? If I do
contact her again, what would be the best medium (phone/text/e-mail) and
how direct should I be about me intentions with her (i.e. still would
like to be her friend if she isn't attracted to me)?
Thanks!
Hello!
First off, I suggest you contact her one more time. I'll explain how in
a minute, but first I want to talk about your approach and close.
You did many things right here. That's important - you had a
conversation with her, you determined commonality and even got her to
open up about not meeting guys her own age. These are all signs of
rapport building.
Now, what most guys do is they get this far and they never bother to
close. That is, ask for digits, a date, sex, or whatever it is that they
want. One important note: closing someone you just meet for digits,
dates or sex requires different types of approaches. My point was simply
that many guys will go through all of this never to pull the trigger.
The first mistake (at least that I can see) was that you ASKED her
rather than telling her for the things you want. That is a mistake.
You said, "Do you want to hang out sometime?" rather than saying "Let's
get together sometime. Here, write down your number on this paper..."
The difference is subtle, but oh-so important! Always TELL a woman what
you want her to do. Don't ask her.
The next mistake you made was trying to hold a date on the phone rather
than using simply to SET a date. You want to use the same technique
right through the phone call. When you contacted her you only want to to
chit-chat for 2-3 minutes maximum. You recount something you talked
about during your first meeting (approach) and then get right back to
the close - telling her what you want her to do.
The reason for this is psychological. Here's an important rule I want
you to memorize: women want to date "up". That is, they want to date men
that they percieve have more power than they do. What that power is
isn't important, as long as they sense it. When you ask someone to do
something, you're telling them that they are in control - and giving
away your power.
Also important is the fact that when you ask, you give her the option of
saying "no". She didn't tell you specifically "no", but misdirected you
instead with that crap about being "busy". Sure, we're all busy, but
she's already told you that her problem wasn't being busy, it's meeting
guys.
Ok, so here's what you do next:
Call her up (NEVER use text or email to set a date!) either today or
tomorrow (you don't want to wait too long, or you'll have to wait until
she gets back from her trip.) *IF* she answers (which frankly, is
unlikely) say, "Hey, it's me..." and ask her how she's doing. Next say,
"I only have a minute. Let's have a drink on Wednesday at 8. I'll pick
you up so write it down." (or whenever, wherever) Only plan to take a
minute or so on the phone. Not only will this help you get past your
nervousness but it'll have her off-balance.
Now, she may say no and give you some excuse or try to beg off. You can
try one more thing. Just say, "You're the one complaining that you can't
meet anyone, and now I see why! Just clear your calendar and let's
meet." She may still give you an excuse and if so, just say, "Nice to
meet you", hang up and move on. On the other hand, you might actually be
able to set up this date.
The bottom line is that you need to totally ignore her not-interested
vibes and just go for what YOU want. If you're really committed to doing
this, it's like panty-grease to women. Trust me.
As to being her friend, don't you do it!!! You're just going to shoot
yourself in the foot and crack your head against the wall at the same
time. Go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the short video
on "friends" under BAM TV. This will explain to you why this is such a
bad idea.
Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder
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Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You
can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers.
For more information about my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World",
visit:
www.beingaman.com
Copyright (c) 2007 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
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