Dating Great! with advice by

Should I Contact Her Again?

DR. DENNIS NEDER AND KYLIE Dr. Dennis Neder, Author: "Being a Man in a Woman's World"

"What most guys do is they get this far and they never bother to close. That is, ask for digits, a date, or whatever it is that they want."

Dear Dr. Neder,
So a week ago I met this girl. She was an old high school friend of a new student in my department that I don't know well yet. Anyway, I had a great time chatting with this girl. We had lived in/traveled to similar places, had similar complaints about the local traffic, and so on. It seemed like we had a lot to talk about. At one point, she complained that she felt there weren't many people our age in the city and she was having trouble meeting them. I somewhat read this as an invitation to ask her out.

Anyway, when it looked like the event was breaking, I realized if I didn't get her number fast I may never get a chance to. So I told her, "Hey, I had a lot of fun talking to you. Do you want to hang out sometime?" It was a bit awkward, but she did end up giving me her number. Afterward, I was a bit stunned with the situation. I'm usually much more subtle when I get a girl's number (i.e. we talk about a shared interest and decide we should do something together), so I wasn't used to so overtly asking a girl out. It also sank in that this girl was totally gorgeous and interesting, and I had basically lucked out big time in even getting her number.

I called her the next day intending on setting up a date for sometime that week, but I came off really nervous and the conversation was pretty awkward. When I asked her if she wanted to get some coffee or dinner, she said maybe. When I tried to get her to tell me a time that was good for her, she said she was pretty busy because she was going out of town in a couple weeks. The conversation ended shortly after that, and I didn't really feel so great about the situation.

The day later, I found her on the Facebook and tried to friend her, but she still hasn't accepted my request.

Anyway, it's been about a week since I tried asking her out, and I haven't contacted her since. I thought this girl was really interesting, but maybe I liked her so much it's made me more nervous than I expect myself to be in these situations. Even if she isn't interested in dating me, I would still very much like to be this girl's friend. Should I try contacting her again, or has she given me enough "not interested vibes" that I should just move on and use my energy more productively? If I do contact her again, what would be the best medium (phone/text/e-mail) and how direct should I be about me intentions with her (i.e. still would like to be her friend if she isn't attracted to me)?

First off, I suggest you contact her one more time. I'll explain how in a minute, but first I want to talk about your approach and close.

You did many things right here. That's important - you had a conversation with her, you determined commonality and even got her to open up about not meeting guys her own age. These are all signs of rapport building.

Now, what most guys do is they get this far and they never bother to close. That is, ask for digits, a date, sex, or whatever it is that they want. One important note: closing someone you just meet for digits, dates or sex requires different types of approaches. My point was simply that many guys will go through all of this never to pull the trigger.

The first mistake (at least that I can see) was that you ASKED her rather than telling her for the things you want. That is a mistake.

You said, "Do you want to hang out sometime?" rather than saying "Let's get together sometime. Here, write down your number on this paper..."

The difference is subtle, but oh-so important! Always TELL a woman what you want her to do. Don't ask her.

The next mistake you made was trying to hold a date on the phone rather than using simply to SET a date. You want to use the same technique right through the phone call. When you contacted her you only want to to chit-chat for 2-3 minutes maximum. You recount something you talked about during your first meeting (approach) and then get right back to the close - telling her what you want her to do.

The reason for this is psychological. Here's an important rule I want you to memorize: women want to date "up". That is, they want to date men that they percieve have more power than they do. What that power is isn't important, as long as they sense it. When you ask someone to do something, you're telling them that they are in control - and giving away your power.

Also important is the fact that when you ask, you give her the option of saying "no". She didn't tell you specifically "no", but misdirected you instead with that crap about being "busy". Sure, we're all busy, but she's already told you that her problem wasn't being busy, it's meeting guys.

Ok, so here's what you do next:

Call her up (NEVER use text or email to set a date!) either today or tomorrow (you don't want to wait too long, or you'll have to wait until she gets back from her trip.) *IF* she answers (which frankly, is unlikely) say, "Hey, it's me..." and ask her how she's doing. Next say, "I only have a minute. Let's have a drink on Wednesday at 8. I'll pick you up so write it down." (or whenever, wherever) Only plan to take a minute or so on the phone. Not only will this help you get past your nervousness but it'll have her off-balance.

Now, she may say no and give you some excuse or try to beg off. You can try one more thing. Just say, "You're the one complaining that you can't meet anyone, and now I see why! Just clear your calendar and let's meet." She may still give you an excuse and if so, just say, "Nice to meet you", hang up and move on. On the other hand, you might actually be able to set up this date.

The bottom line is that you need to totally ignore her not-interested vibes and just go for what YOU want. If you're really committed to doing this, it's like panty-grease to women. Trust me.

As to being her friend, don't you do it!!! You're just going to shoot yourself in the foot and crack your head against the wall at the same time. Go to my website ( and watch the short video on "friends" under BAM TV. This will explain to you why this is such a bad idea.

Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder

Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at for answers.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:


Copyright (c) 2007 Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.



Dr. Dennis Neder


Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: 
About The Book:

Men and women continue to complain about their relationships. Married or single, the same issues seem to keep coming up.

Many men have trouble meeting women. They might meet them; they just can't get their numbers. When they do get a number, they can't get them to go out. When they do get them to go out, they wind up spending a fortune and getting dumped a month later. Of those that actually do establish relationships, they find them unfulfilling and fraught with the same, consistent, almost predictable problems.

This book began life about 13 years ago. It was directed to the single man looking for love in Southern California. Since then, it has evolved into something similar, but much more broad in scope. It seeks to bridge the gap between men and women by combining an understanding of men's place in today's world of women, communication skills, sales skills, and an organized plan - once and for all. It does this by focusing on the man's core - who we are, by evolution, by education, by society, and by necessity.

Men and women have continued to have the same problems for hundreds of years. It's time to put these problems to rest. We are in a woman-focused time in history. Not that this is bad, but it is one-sided. Men have an opportunity to succeed in their relationships just as they have strived to succeed in their jobs.

It's time for men to take their place. To be the partners that women want them to be. Not necessarily what they say they want, but what they really want - and need! As men we owe this to our women. Women crave who and what we are fundamentally. May the joy of being a man become part of your daily life. May the women in your life find new reasons to love and cherish you. May you begin to get along, communicate, and find your best with your partner. I wish this for you.

Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:

aLoveLinksPlus is pleased to feature Dr. Dennis Neder every Thursday with new articles to help men take their place as partners in a women's world.



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