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Who Can Have A Support Network?

DR. DENNIS NEDER AND KYLIE Dr. Dennis Neder, Author: "Being a Man in a Woman's World"

"You're pretty arrogant, and dare I say insecure, to think that you're the only one your boyfriend should be discussing his life with!"

Dear Doc,
My boyfriend and I are in our late 30's and have been dating for over 3 years. Today, in a casual conversation we were talking about our future and he made the comment, "I was talking to someone about our situation and..." The gist was that he was talking to this person about saving money to buy a house this year, etc.

My very innocent question to him was "Who were you talking to about this?" I know most of his friends so it was odd to me that he didn't say "I was talking to John and...." Now what makes this even worse is that he flat out told me that he was NOT going to tell me who he was talking to and that it was irrelevant. I was trying to get him to see that it is relevant to me because: 1) I wanted to know who he was talking with about our future when this was something WE ourselves had not discussed and 2) I was really just innocently asking but his insistence on not telling me makes me wonder why he can't tell me.

I do not think he is cheating. He is a hard worker and we spend most of our non-working time together. It just makes me wonder why he can't tell me this very small piece of information if it is innocent.

Am I overreacting? I have packed my things that I leave at his house (we do not live together) and told him that I need space to figure out if this is the relationship that I want to be in. Am I wrong for feeling left out of his life?
I agree with your boyfriend. Who the hell cares whom he said this too? How could that possibly have any bearing whatsoever on the issue at hand? Oh, wait - I know! You want to know who it is so that you can disparage the person's suggestions; thus holding on to control here.

Women are notorious about this! You talk to your girlfriends (and sometimes male friends too), family, co-workers, etc., about every aspect of your relationship lives. You gather perspective and ideas and suggestions and mull them over until they congeal into an amorphous goo. Then, you come back and simply want to react based on this.

So what if your boyfriend wants to have a support network? So what if he's running ideas by someone else! You're pretty arrogant (and dare I say, insecure) to think that you're the only one he should be discussing his life with!

There is a very mistaken belief that couples need to be totally and completely honest with each other. Bullshit! That's not only unhealthy, it's impossible. Think back on every relationship you've ever had and just try to tell me that you've been "totally and completely open and honest" with your partner. Of course you haven't! You can't possibly!

You're WAY overreacting here! Go put your stuff back and go apologize to him this very instant. If you want him to have to guard everything he says to you because there's the remote chance that he might hurt your tender little feelings then you're not going to have much of a relationship. Then, take that "space" to figure out why; in your late 30's, you're acting so immaturely!

Best regards...
Dr. Dennis Neder

Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at for answers.
For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:


Copyright (c) Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.



Dr. Dennis Neder


Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: 
About The Book:

Men and women continue to complain about their relationships. Married or single, the same issues seem to keep coming up.

Many men have trouble meeting women. They might meet them; they just can't get their numbers. When they do get a number, they can't get them to go out. When they do get them to go out, they wind up spending a fortune and getting dumped a month later. Of those that actually do establish relationships, they find them unfulfilling and fraught with the same, consistent, almost predictable problems.

This book began life about 13 years ago. It was directed to the single man looking for love in Southern California. Since then, it has evolved into something similar, but much more broad in scope. It seeks to bridge the gap between men and women by combining an understanding of men's place in today's world of women, communication skills, sales skills, and an organized plan - once and for all. It does this by focusing on the man's core - who we are, by evolution, by education, by society, and by necessity.

Men and women have continued to have the same problems for hundreds of years. It's time to put these problems to rest. We are in a woman-focused time in history. Not that this is bad, but it is one-sided. Men have an opportunity to succeed in their relationships just as they have strived to succeed in their jobs.

It's time for men to take their place. To be the partners that women want them to be. Not necessarily what they say they want, but what they really want - and need! As men we owe this to our women. Women crave who and what we are fundamentally. May the joy of being a man become part of your daily life. May the women in your life find new reasons to love and cherish you. May you begin to get along, communicate, and find your best with your partner. I wish this for you.

Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:

aLoveLinksPlus is pleased to feature Dr. Dennis Neder every Thursday with new articles to help men take their place as partners in a women's world.



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