Dr. Dennis Neder,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World"
arrogant, and dare I say insecure, to think that you're the only one
your boyfriend should be discussing his life with!"
My boyfriend and I are in our late 30's and have been dating for over 3
years. Today, in a casual conversation we were talking about our future
and he made the comment, "I was talking to someone about our situation
and..." The gist was that he was talking to this person about saving
money to buy a house this year, etc.
My very innocent question to him was "Who were you talking to about
this?" I know most of his friends so it was odd to me that he didn't say
"I was talking to John and...." Now what makes this even worse is that
he flat out told me that he was NOT going to tell me who he was talking
to and that it was irrelevant. I was trying to get him to see that it is
relevant to me because: 1) I wanted to know who he was talking with
about our future when this was something WE ourselves had not discussed
and 2) I was really just innocently asking but his insistence on not
telling me makes me wonder why he can't tell me.
I do not think he is cheating. He is a hard worker and we spend most of
our non-working time together. It just makes me wonder why he can't tell
me this very small piece of information if it is innocent.
Am I overreacting? I have packed my things that I leave at his house (we
do not live together) and told him that I need space to figure out if
this is the relationship that I want to be in. Am I wrong for feeling
left out of his life?
I agree with your boyfriend. Who the hell cares whom he said this too?
How could that possibly have any bearing whatsoever on the issue at
hand? Oh, wait - I know! You want to know who it is so that you can
disparage the person's suggestions; thus holding on to control here.
Women are notorious about this! You talk to your girlfriends (and
sometimes male friends too), family, co-workers, etc., about every
aspect of your relationship lives. You gather perspective and ideas and
suggestions and mull them over until they congeal into an amorphous goo.
Then, you come back and simply want to react based on this.
So what if your boyfriend wants to have a support network? So what if
he's running ideas by someone else! You're pretty arrogant (and dare I
say, insecure) to think that you're the only one he should be discussing
his life with!
There is a very mistaken belief that couples need to be totally and
completely honest with each other. Bullshit! That's not only unhealthy,
it's impossible. Think back on every relationship you've ever had and
just try to tell me that you've been "totally and completely open and
honest" with your partner. Of course you haven't! You can't possibly!
You're WAY overreacting here! Go put your stuff back and go apologize to
him this very instant. If you want him to have to guard everything he
says to you because there's the remote chance that he might hurt your
tender little feelings then you're not going to have much of a
relationship. Then, take that "space" to figure out why; in your late
30's, you're acting so immaturely!
Dr. Dennis Neder
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