 By Nancy Fagan, Author of "The
Complete Idiot's Guide To Romance"
Women who get involved
with abusive men are typically those who had abusive childhood home
environments. This kind of upbringing tends to normalize abusive
behavior in all relationships. What this means is that women from this
kind of a background are not as keen to the subtleties of abuse the
way "healthy" women are.
On a positive note, there is a silver lining here-all behavior can be
relearned, including the ability to recognize early signs of abuse as
unacceptable behaviors in a relationship. Once this is learned, a
woman will be able to break free from unhealthy relationships with men
who are no good for her.
Below is a list of common abusive behaviors to watch for:
Criticism about your good
qualities;
Past abusive relationships;
Criminal activities;
Drinking or drug problems, past or present;
Mood swings;
Discourages your successes;
Jealousy;
Abusive family members or spouses of siblings;
Attempts to control your whereabouts;
Disrespect toward your publicly or
privately;
Violations of others rights;
Irresponsibility;
Attempts to keep you isolated;
Persistent lying;
History of truancy, delinquency and running away;
Highly reactive;
Streaks of meanness toward others for no reason;
Threatened by relationships with other men, past, present or imagined.
In order to recognize early abusive signs, a woman must stop
rationalizing "abusive" behaviors as "normal." If she sees ONE abusive
behavior, regardless of how small, she needs to remind herself that it
IS abuse. Period! With this new skill, she will soon be dating men who
treat her with dignity and respect-the way all women deserve to be
treated.
QUESTION ONE
Q: When I met Mark six years ago he was married (he still is).
Today we share a four-year-old daughter. Out of the blue he
disappeared and after two weeks of searching, I found out he was in
jail. He didn't contact me because he wanted to let me know. I am a
born again Christian and I believe people can change and deserve a
second changed. He says he loves us and promises to help me out when
he is released (Nov. 2004). Am I wrong for wanting to wait for him?
A: Love makes people do things that they regret later on.
Wanting to wait for him is a natural thing--it's your love speaking.
However, it's also an irrational thought.
Being in love, it's natural to make excuses or accept his excuses for
his unacceptable behaviors. The hardest thing to do is to see him for
who is--a cheater, liar, and disrespectful man with a criminal
history.
If you keep him in your life, he will eventually treat you the way he
currently treats his current wife--poorly with disrespect and an
inability to honor his vows. If this is the behavior you desire in a
partner, then by all means, stand by your man. If not-and hopefully
not--close that door tight, head to church and find yourself an
honorable man to respect you and raise your child in socially
acceptable ways in which the two of you can be proud of.
QUESTION TWO
Aroused by Smells
Q: I have lived with my boyfriend for 2 ˝ years. During this
time, I have experienced bouts of temper with this man—I’m the one who
yells and acts like a spoiled child, not him. He is a good person,
gives me everything I need and tells me he loves me at least twice a
day. Sadly, he’s had enough and asked me to move out. How do I deal
with the guilt, get over him and move on?
A: Your focus needs adjustment. Rather than direct your concern
away from how to “get over him” or “moving on,” it needs to turn
toward the reason the relationship is ending—your uncontrolled fits.
The end of this relationship will not put a stop to your behavior.
Just the opposite, it will escalate with time, destroying future
relationships. Because of this, you need to explore what motivates
your immature expressions.
Gaining insight is one thing, but applying change to your well-oiled
behavior will require you to stretch yourself—to fight the urge and go
against what feels natural. People’s behaviors, both good and bad, are
learned. And...what is learned can be unlearned.
© Copyright 2004 Nancy
Fagan - Published with permission
Nancy Fagan, M.S., author
of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Romance” and “Desirable Men: How to
Find Them.”
www.ExpertDatingAdvice.com
Author Info:
Nancy Fagan, M.S., best-selling author of 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to
Romance' and 'Desirable Men: How to Find Them' has appeared on several
hundred radio and television shows including Ricki Lake, Men are from
Mars/Women are from Venus, ABC News, NBC News, CBS News, The Berman &
Berman Show, FOX News. She has been featured in most major newspaper in
the United States and worldwide as well as regularly mentioned in the
nation's top magazines such as Ladies' Home Journal ('Can this Marriage be
Saved?'), Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Men's Health, Bride's, Seventeen, Women's
Day, Family Circle,Women's Own, BBW, Complete Women and dozens of others.
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