By Nancy Fagan, Author of "The
Complete Idiot's Guide To Romance"
Q: I have been in a
relationship for one year with a woman I love deeply. Everything was
fine until she told me that she loves me but she doesn't have a love
spark. Actually, she has never had one but hoped it would happen. Now
she's confused. On one hand she doesn't want to leave me and on the
other, she is no longer happy in our relationship.
A: Love is about a special bond you share with someone. It is not
about fireworks or excitement. Other than having a sexual attraction
for that person, the actual feeling of love is no different than
people have with others in their lives—parents, sibling, and so on.
Often, people have unrealistic expectations about what love is,
therefore, they don't see it when they actually have it.
Sometimes, the way someone first recognizes love is after it is gone.
When there is love, losing it brings on deep levels of grief. With
this said, perhaps you should encourage her to spend some time alone
and see how she feels. During this time, agree to a certain period of
time—two weeks to one month—where you will not have contact
whatsoever. My guess is, in your absence, she will realize all you are
to her and eagerly declare a new-found love for you.
Using Music to Draw Out
by Nancy Fagan, M.S.,
“I love you; you love me; we're a happy family ….” Do you remember
song from childhood? You may even recognize it as the popular song
Barney sings. Through music we explore and learn about myths, ideals,
and the parameters of love.
With each year, our understanding of what we hear and feel in music
deepens, especially as we begin to experience love. We hear thoughts
similar to ours being sung on the radio. We listen with curiosity and
of happy endings or perhaps guidance to help us. We learn that music
intensifies our feelings, triggers emotions, and binds memories
forever to songs that are associated with our love lives. We learn
that music is our friend and our teacher. Because of this, music has
attained a central importance in the world of romance and romantic
Music can inspire or influence romance in so many ways. It's hard for
not to inspire; it stirs the emotions when singers sing about love's
emotional extremes. When you hear a song that says, “I'm in the mood
for love simply
because you're near me,” it's hard to resist having an emotional
what you hear. Music facilitates romance between you and your partner
moving both the intellect and emotions.
Music: A Course in Love
Now that you know how music can naturally foster romance, the
following tips will help you to use music in your own relationship to
increase romance between you and your partner:
* If you are out and about doing something with your partner and you
your partner say, “Wow, I love that song,” don't just let the moment
pass. Find out what the song is and buy it. Add it to your romantic
* If you attend a Broadway show or a romantic film that moves you
emotionally, buy the soundtrack. This way, you'll be able to bring
back the intense emotions
* you experienced again and again with your partner.
*Jump at the chance to dance together when music moves you.
Going to concerts—especially by singers well known for romantic
ballads— can put you in the middle of emotional moments that are
bigger than life.