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Expert Love Advice: Lonely in a Relationship

Woman HuntBy Nancy Fagan, Author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Romance"

Loneliness comes from being alone, not from being single. As a matter of fact, people in relationships experience loneliness as often as anyone else.

The very definition of this word according to Webster's dictionary is, "cut off from others, sad from being alone, a feeling of desolateness."

Loneliness is a powerful human emotion that is built into us for a reason-people are meant to be together.

Without this emotion, what would propel people to maintain friendships, family, and intimate relationships? Not much.

Loneliness can also signal a time of change in your life-in and/or outside your relationship or within yourself and your life.

It may indicate that your emotional needs are not being met by the people in your life, therefore, it's time for you to expand your pool of friends.

Keep a chart of when you feel you're most lonely.

Common times are evenings and weekends. Make a pact with yourself to get out o the house during those ties. Go to public places where people congregate: parks, church, libraries, bookstores, shopping areas.

Join organizations or volunteer. There are so many things you can do to feel needed and to be needed. It's up to you to take the first step and make it happen.

My Fits Drove him Away

Q: I have lived with my boyfriend for 2 ˝ years. During this time, I have experienced bouts of temper with this man—I’m the one who yells and acts like a spoiled child, not him. He is a good person, gives me everything I need and tells me he loves me at least twice a day. Sadly, he’s had enough and asked me to move out. How do I deal with the guilt, get over him and move on?

A: Your focus needs adjustment. Rather than direct your concern away from how to “get over him” or “moving on,” it needs to turn toward the reason the relationship is ending—your uncontrolled fits.
The end of this relationship will not put a stop to your behavior. Just the opposite, it will escalate with time, destroying future relationships. Because of this, you need to explore what motivates your immature expressions.
Gaining insight is one thing, but applying change to your well-oiled behavior will require you to stretch yourself—to fight the urge and go against what feels natural. People’s behaviors, both good and bad, are learned. And...what is learned can be unlearned.

My First and Last One Night Stand

Q: I took off a full year from the single’s scene to get myself together after a break up with a man I was deeply in love with. To jumpstart the process, I went to a club last week and met a wonderful man. We really connected and I ended up going home with him that night. Now I regret that decision because he hasn't called me.

A: Regardless of how strong of a 'connection' you have with someone new, it's ALWAYS a mistake to sleep together the first night you meet. Surveys have shown that men who believe there is potential for a long-term relationship with a woman will avoid having sex with her too soon. On the other hand, men who push for sex up front, don’t usually value the woman for more than what she offers sexually.
Unfortunately, you've learned a painful lesson. In this case, regardless of how genuine his interest may have seemed, his real intentions weren't!

Weeding out the 'relationship-potential” men from those who aren't is a difficult part of dating. For this very reason, it’s best to delay sexual intimacy until a relationship develops, despite the level of sexual chemistry two people feel for each other. Playing it safe may be a conservative approach, but the best one for your heart and soul.

© Copyright 2004 Nancy Fagan - Published with permission

Nancy Murphy, M.S.

11622 El Camino Real, Suite 100
San Diego, CA 92130 (in Carmel Valley)
(858) 764-2545

Author Info:

Nancy Fagan, M.S., best-selling author of 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Romance' and 'Desirable Men: How to Find Them' has appeared on several hundred radio and television shows including Ricki Lake, Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, ABC News, NBC News, CBS News, The Berman & Berman Show, FOX News. She has been featured in most major newspaper in the United States and worldwide as well as regularly mentioned in the nation's top magazines such as Ladies' Home Journal ('Can this Marriage be Saved?'), Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Men's Health, Bride's, Seventeen, Women's Day, Family Circle,Women's Own, BBW, Complete Women and dozens of others.

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