If you're hiding your true personality how can you find a quality woman?
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Of course, as you explain in your book, that never really worked for long to make me feel any more secure, it just gave me that momentary escape and relief from having to take action, and the next time I would see a woman the fear would be even worse, since I had never had to actually stare it down.
This time, though, I was ready. I was ready with your strategy- for the first time, I knew that any excuse I would give myself would not only not bring me any closer to this woman, but I also knew from your book that in fact if I did not take action, I was actually making it even harder for my emotions and brain to take action in the future. I made the decision that all the pain in the world from her potential reaction was still better than a life of fearing her reaction and never approaching women.
So I went over to her and followed your advice of not trying to be "mr. gangsta" and not imitating the arrogant put downs that the pick up artists and dating gurus tell us all to do. Instead, I focused on injecting some dominance, upbeatness, and sensuality in my voice and gave her the chance to "come into my world" as you say. And I observed the situation so that what I could say would be connected to the situation.
So instead of the put downs and arrogance, I decided to genuinely give her some of the infinite abundance of "good vibes" that I have - and told her that someone who's thinking that hard of the right wrapping paper must have a really good friend! And I really said it with a confident feeling, because I knew I was not kissing up, I was genuinely complimenting her on something that I thought was a sign of her own goodness.
She seemed a bit surprised, I guess she didn't realize I was right there, but she turned around and gave me a warm smile and told me that she was going to a friend's birthday and then I couldn't even make out what she was saying because my heart was pounding so hard and all I could do was see her lips, her gorgeous face.
I wanted to just say thanks and leave so badly, because it felt so good to not have this thing crash, but I knew that would be the wrong thing. I managed to make out a few words that she was saying, something about "she's a good friend" and "helped her so much with rides to work" so I just kept on sharing the vibe and actually making a connection because I also really value great and deep friendship, and I started telling her that we are lucky if we have even one great friend, and how what is the whole point of life if we are just to enjoy it alone.
And that's when even though my heart was still beating like crazy, I felt myself knowing that this woman was enjoying being with me, and it felt like a ton of bricks was being lifted off my shoulder. Feeling that good, I started to unleash the playful stuff, I knew it would be interpreted right because it was coming from a place inside of me that was real, and because I knew she would know that I meant it with love and not anger.
So I told her, "you know, we're having a pretty good conversation here, and it's all without being mean, nasty, or vulgar. It's kinda nice, isn't it?" And she laughed and said yes it was, and then she wanted to know if I did this to "all the women in the bookstore".
In the past, this would have been a major catastrophe, as if I was "found out" and had to cover my moves.
But now, after reading your book, I just realized that women, especially a great woman looking for quality connection with a man, wants to know what type of guy she is dealing with. This is a good thing in reality, otherwise it would mean that no women had any standards.
So I was honest and secure, I told her calmly that I didn't, but that we'd both be lucky if we were to have these kinds of convos every day, to which she of course agreed.
Man, Michael, this is so absolutely different from the whole pick up artist and dating guru advice, this whole interaction was beautiful man. You really mean it when you say that it's up to us to bring out the best in a woman.
I got her number and when I called her on Saturday afternoon, she didn't avoid the call or play games, we spent 15 minutes on the phone, and we're supposed to meet for coffee this week.
Thank you man!!! This really is the stronger way, the way of the truly confident, classy, Man, and not the games of a boy who thinks in terms of insecure, immature notions and thinks of making love as "scoring" and whose concept of interacting on a deep level with a woman is either putting her down, acting arrogant, or on the other extreme, kissing up to her with superficial compliments.
You'll be hearing from me this week for a consultation, because I want to ace this!
Matthew S., New York.
>>>MY COMMENTS<<<
There's nothing like seeing guys who have taken the words I have written down and truly GET IT and are putting it into action. When you really get it, you start to see results IMMEDIATELY.
One key point I want to emphasize is the idea from the book that you applied brilliantly- and that is the idea of bringing out the BEST in a woman.
This is the RIGHT way to approach a quality woman.
By leading the interaction from the very beginning in a morally strong way, you led the pathway to only lead to good places. You started by talking about friendships, and valuing them, and not about how men and women cheat and who cheats more or other negative stuff that things like shows on MTV try to pretend are cool.
In reality, no one thinks those things are cool, but many men and women don't want to appear uncool by being the one to stand up against it. And yet, the very fact that you STAND OUT as DIFFERENT from the outset actually shows that you have more courage.
This stuff is massively important, as the reality is that the pain of other people is never a joke, and when try to be cool by appealing to that type of conversation and gossip, as many pick up artists try to teach, you are destroying the fabric of the interaction in terms of having a foundation of trust. So even if the woman does talk to you, she is in the back of her mind feeling uneasy, and sooner or later the whole thing falls to pieces. This is why the pick up artists and dating gurus only like to show you the first few words they speak to the girl, but not the result of what happens a few days or weeks or months down the line, when the woman kicks the guy to the curb because she resents his attitude.
That type of type of "I'm so cool and MTV" attitude is kamikaze and suicide to any future relationship with the woman, because it fosters a belief that the interaction is based on manipulation, and how much trust can that lead to? Without trust, the whole thing is a fragile house of cards that is guaranteed to fall apart.
But what you did, was you LED the way, you showed a totally different attitude, and you weren't apologetic for not being the "MTV" style approach to women. And this is what she REALLY WANTS and can't find. She can either only find pushover "nice guys" or weird guys with their pick up artist games, when all she really wants is a MAN. A man with class and who is emotionally mature, whose sense of what is cool does not depend on what OTHERS think, no matter HOW much the TV might try to change his attitude.
***NEXT LETTER***
Hey Michael,
There's this girl that I met and I'm wondering what to do. We went out once so far.
The first time we went out for coffee, and I tried to keep the conversation light and relaxed, but her cell phone rang three different times, and she also noticed some guy inside at the coffee shop she recognized and she went right over to him and gave him a hug and I just felt the whole thing was too much for me so I just told her that I had to meet some friends and cut the date short.
Now, here's my question, I read a lot of dating guru advice and they all seem to say that I should not have made a big deal to show that it bothered me, and the pick up artists say that I should have ignored it and kept on escalating the interaction and tried to take her home if I could, and that once I slept with her, it would make her treat me very differently.
The thing is though that even in the conversation, it was a bit strange, I was telling her that I could tell a lot about a person from the way they talk about things, and she said to me that she can tell a lot about a guy's personality from the way he is having sex with her.
This whole thing seemed bizarre to me. Was this woman testing me? Was the way she went over to the guy to hug him some kind of test?
Can you clear any of this up????
Kevin R., Miami
>>>MY REPLY<<<
See, this is EXACTLY the kind of thing that the supposed dating gurus and pick up artists screw up good guys on.
Trust me, this woman has SERIOUS issues and is the kind of person who will MESS with your head big-time.
The pick up artists are willing to sell your soul for the sake of getting sex with a woman, so of course THEY will say "just ignore" it all, and to "keep escalating" toward the physical.
Let me tell you the REALITY: You should run like hell away from this woman, and most likely this woman has had her own heart torn to shreds and is now out taking vengeance out on all kinds of innocent men like you. She is hurting and needs help.
The first red flag was when her cell phone went off repeatedly while she was out on the date with you. The fact it happened repeatedly is already not good. The fact that she clearly did not make a serious effort to APOLOGIZE for it just shows how not serious she is, and shows how she is simply playing around and seeing how far she can push.
But don't think of this as a "test", she is not testing anything any more than a bully tests a victim. i.e. Yeah, it might be a test, but the only way to WIN this test is to ERADICATE her from your life, before you allow her to poison your image of all women, including all the women with fantastic morals, high self-esteem, and integrity who are out there.
Think of this test as actually a woman showing you her TRUE COLOURS and so she is actually FAILING a test- she is failing YOUR test of a quality woman!!!!
And the answer to the question that I'm sure is burning in your mind regarding "Would she treat me differently if I just got past the "sex" stage with her?" is NO. She would NOT be different with you.
She would STILL be the same person with the SAME attitude.
The NEXT red flag was this hug business that she actually LEFT you to go and make sure to do the big warm fuzzies to some dude while out on a date to you, and again, apparently she made NO EXPLANATION of this at all to you.
The crazy thing, is that this would be super obvious to you if you read my book and that by following the "pick up artist" advice, you actually DEGRADE yourself and your own personal standards that you start to think that maybe you SHOULD put up with this vile filth of messed up behavior.
Finally, you need to ALSO realize that it's important that you DO NOT WASTE energy on these kinds of women IF you want a quality woman for a long term healthy relationship: The reason is because the only way you will have the strength to BE the kind of man with great integrity and with feeling secure is if you spend your time in the company of good people.
Staying with or pursuing those with spoiled values will only mess up your internal compass of what is normal and what is not, and then when you meet a GREAT woman, you will be doing all the WRONG things. Things that might be normal for those with inferior values, but that are ABNORMAL for those with superior values.
And one more thing- a great woman will want to KNOW that you are totally clear on what YOU want in life. She is not looking for a namby-pamby insecure guy who is willing to buckle his own values just for some approval from any woman with the looks who comes his way.
It's very hard to truly mask your identity, it comes out in tiny subtleties in your behavior and intonation of voice and mannerisms, so if you ARE the kind of guy that doesn't have his own values and self-esteem together and WILL buckle under pressure and will pursue the wrong type of woman, well then I can assure you that a great woman will DETECT this in you, and you will not stand a chance with her.
On the other hand, if you are absolutely clear on what you want, and you BECOME the kind of guy that would never even THINK of putting up with any woman that chips away at his self-esteem no matter how beautiful she is, no matter how slight that self-esteem damage is, then a great woman will be far MORE attracted to you.
If you want to get a great woman, you need to focus on that, and not on the WRONG women that will drain you of everything precious - your energy, your time, and your emotions.
Cheers,
Michael
PS. I can think of no better path for you to take than by getting my special book that is ONLY about how to get a GREAT woman.
It even all comes with an iron clad guarantee. Get this book NOW here.
This article © 2008 Cheerful Attitude Web Design Ltd. Michael Marks and "Get A Great Girl" and may not be reproduced without authors consent.
