If you're hiding your true personality how can you find a quality woman?
** Letter from a reader **
Hey Michael,
I know you're not a big fan of the nightclubs for meeting a quality woman, but I think you'll agree that what I have to say only proves your point even more. All I can say is that I wish I had your materials before this disaster went down:
So this past weekend my buddies and I went down to the club and near closing time, up beside me comes this pretty little number that I was chatting up inside with her friends and just being playful in that innocent way you describe. Let me backtrack on what happened inside the club a bit-
I started the convo with some stuff that I took directly from your book- telling her that the only reason I was talking to her was because she reminded me of Barney Rubble's wife-Betty, from the Flintstones! And that she was so much cooler than Wilma because Barney never had a real job and that it was cool by her! She was eating it all up, and then on top of that I told her that if she was a good girl, I might take her out for a Brontosaurus burger one day because I know the only reason she puts up with Barney is because she can't cook! I had her playfully punching me in the arm and grazing against me the whole evening.
Everything was going great, I was following the principles in your book and never trying to prove how great I was or trying to get the "upper hand", and keeping the vibe warm, confident and playful, knowing that she could never get insulted from a comment that the cartoon version of herself could not cook.
And I also remembered your point in the book about "the teasing cycle" and how important it is to not just joke around but to naturally progress into a real conversation to see where you share important values in common- she's the kind of person who appreciates life's little treasures that most people overlook, and that's really important to me because it means that you never take life for granted.
But here's the thing, I refused to believe that this was actually working because of what you had taught, I kept thinking that it was actually happening in SPITE of what you taught. After all, this girl was gorgeous, and I mean head to toe, and I started to let the fear creep in, that I needed to show her that I wasn't kissing up to her. I started to think that the reason for my success so far was that I had the "player vibe" about me.
So let me fast forward - I felt that I was trying too hard to talk to her, (I realize now that I wasn't) and I gave in to my "pick up artist" training from all those "experts" out there, and I decided to do a "take away" and talk to some other girls just to make sure that she knew I wasn't desperate for her, and that this would get her to chase me even harder.
Well, when I did that, she had this confused, disappointed look on her face when I told her I had to talk to some other friends, but she said okay and then I never heard from her for the rest of the night! I don't know where these "pick up artists" get their crazy ideas from.
But I felt like since she wasn't chasing me, that it would be even worse now if I came running back to her. And I wasn't interested in any of the other girls as much.
Anyway, the thing was that on my way out of the club around closing time with my buddies, I see her roll up beside me, her girlfriends not far away, and she remembers our convo, saying to me "How about that Brontosauraus burger?"
Michael, my heart was pounding, I wasn't sure if she was joking or serious that she wanted to join me, so I said "sure Betty, but remember I expect you to clean the house!" And then I find myself with this knockout walking beside me and my friends suddenly in luck as her girlfriends are now talking to my buddies.
We reach the burger joint, and I'm feeling so much pressure and conflicting thoughts. I'm thinking "Is this girl trying to use me to buy her food? I'm not going to be abused by those tricks just because she's got the looks" and my mind just keeps thinking worse and worse and worse thoughts about her, that this is all just another way for her to use men for a free meal or something.
And then it happens- we reach the cash register, and I blurt out "I don't believe in prostitution" to which she seems really confused (of course, I totally get it and understand why now). So I then make it even worse by EXPLAINING it all to her, telling her that women use men all the time, and she starts to feel defensive, telling me that I have some issues against women, which makes me even angrier, and now the whole vibe is going to hell. And in my gut, I knew I was destroying the whole thing, but somehow I felt that otherwise, if I didn't "show her that I was tough" she would eventually take advantage of me.
The crazy thing Michael, is that I don't even know she wasn't going to pay! It's possible she would have. The whole argument though made me seem petty and before I knew it she was hailing a cab and high-tailing out of there, gone forever. And the other thing that drove me nuts is that I realize looking back that I actually showed weakness, not toughness at all, but being so petty.
I was so pissed off about the whole thing, I couldn't sleep all night. All I could think about was how I let this fantastic creature slip through my fingers, and how I had committed an error so clearly explained in your book- I had allowed black and white thinking to let me turn a little question about this woman into an indictment on her, and sentencing her to the verdict of being guilty, all because I could not take the uncertainty of the pressure in that situation.
I took a perfectly good woman and turned her into some type of threat that didn't exist.
So for all your readers out there, they should know that even in a club, where the atmosphere is so casual, a better quality woman will run out the door when you fall prey to "pick up artist" tactics, then I can only imagine how much MORE important it is to show a great woman that you get to know in a more normal "date" situation will expect that you show superior character, class, and confidence.
Daniel T., Houston, Texas
>>>MY COMMENTS<<<
First of all, thank you for the huge props for my book and for your honesty. A lot of the lessons in my book come from years of misery and mistakes and from listening to the advice of some really, really wise people that I had the good fortune of meeting.
Regarding the emotions you were feeling when things were going well, I understand them, as I used to make the same mistakes.
What happens is that we want to protect ourselves, and we start to focus on how to protect ourselves from the bad stuff, from the pain, rather than focus on how to get to the good stuff. So we become obsessed with preventing pain- we focus on pain avoidance. And that type of attitude feeds images in our mind of all types of horrible things, we start to think of all the times we had bad experiences with women, we start to think of all the horrible possibilities, so we then revert to INSECURE behavior. Also known as "pick up artist" behavior, ironic as that seems, but true.
So for example, how much does a burger cost? Five bucks? It's trivial, unless the woman gives you reason to believe she is not respecting you in general. And it's very possible she would have paid it anyway, like you said.
The whole thing reminds me of something that Wayner Dyer (a very cool and wise man that I would love to meet in person and you would probably love his books as well) once articulated: "All of us are like oranges. And just like the only thing that comes out of oranges under pressure is orange juice, the only thing that pressure can bring out in you is what's already there- you can't blame some external source for what's bringing it out in you".
So in other words, it's not that girl that was making you feel all those horrible emotions, those fears and insecurities were already there inside, most likely made much WORSE by the "pick up artists" and wannabe "dating gurus" and SHE simply created the moment of what you felt was the "squeeze", even though this squeeze or pressure was actually the product of something GOOD- i.e. SHE LIKED YOU.
So the key is to realize that as soon as you catch yourself wanting to give in to insecurities you can always follow the principle of the 24 hour rule- don't react to the negative feelings inside of you at the moment, you can always do it 24 hours later- and guess what? 24 hours later you almost ALWAYS realize there was nothing to react to in the first place, and it would have just made you seem insecure, needy, and uncool. The best part of this 24 hour training rule, is that it actually MAKES YOU MORE SECURE in the first place, it trains your mind and emotions to not give in to fears.
The more you follow this 24 hour rule, the FASTER you will see the truth about the situation, the faster you will see that it was actually a toxic negative emotion- you'll start to get over these things INSTANTLY. It won't take 24 hours anymore.
Another good rule of thumb to remember is that if you are feeling any type of EXTREME reactionary feeling when a woman does something, it's probably not an accurate emotion, and certainly it's a mistake to base your behavior on that extreme emotion.
The great thing though about this situation is that you LEARNED from it, if you let that pain be a reminder to NOT give in to pick up artist tactics that tell you to "put her in her place" or to use "cleverly disguised" put downs on her.
It sounds like all you have to do is get back out there and meeting women, and just stick to what you know WORKS, what you read inside the book- the great news is that this is all about real inner growth and development and not some type of pick up artist "disguise" of your personality.
I look forward to hearing from you again.
***NEXT LETTER***
Master Mike!!!
Do you realize what power you are giving guys? I got your book almost two weeks ago, and couldn't put it down once I started. And then my damn work schedule kicked in- I've been really busy with work lately, even working weekends, (I work in IT and often have to be on call) but I made sure to read your book during every break I had. And then this past Friday I got the chance to leave work early and that's when I had the opportunity to put your stuff to the test:
I decided to relax and visit the bookstore on my way home- as soon as I entered, I almost lost my breath as I saw this gorgeous curly brunette, athletic looking, in the section of the store selling gift-wrap.
Now, normally in the past, I would just stand there and watch, tormenting myself on what to do. But after reading your book, I realized what my pattern always was - I would picture the absolute worse scenario which to me was the idea of everyone looking at me thinking I was a fool, or the idea of her thinking to herself "why is this guy bothering me, I hate it!"
It's amazing, that I never even realized I HAD this pattern, and so I could never stop it, and I could never stop the automatic feelings of indignity that followed. And your book made me realize not only my pattern, but also how I unconsciously was allowing this pattern to create a guaranteed "failure to take action" response every time, because I would let the pattern of thoughts keep going and growing, and my conditioned response to that was to prevent a disaster by not talking to her.
*** CONTINUED on this page >>
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This article © 2008 Cheerful Attitude Web Design Ltd. Michael Marks and "Get A Great Girl" and may not be reproduced without authors consent.
