|
Furthering on about Love, in
her book, How To Make Love All The Time, Dr Barbara De Angelis talks
about 7 E’s of Love, as a sign of a healthy and growing relationship.
The 7 E’s are described in Table 2 below.
TABLE 2: E-Levels
(summarised from How To Make Love All The Time)
|
E-LEVEL |
DESCRIPTION |
|
ENERGY |
When we are truly in
love, we feel energized physically, emotionally, mentally, and
spiritually.
|
|
ENTHUSIASM |
Being in love expands
our enthusiasm towards life, ourselves and each other. |
|
EXCITEMENT |
When we feel in love,
our excitement for everything positive increases. |
ESTEEM AND
SELF CONFIDENCE |
A good and healthy
relationship will provide support as well as a sense of high self
esteem. |
|
EMOTIONAL GENEROSITY |
When our hearts feel
filled with love, it is much easier to be in a place to give and
share with our partner.
|
|
EASE IN BEING ONESELF |
If we feel supported, we
will usually feel at ease about being ourselves with our mates.
|
|
EMOTIONAL RELAXATION |
When in love, our bodies
feel relaxed, filling us up with a deep sense of peace. |
Next, let’s start looking at what drives our thoughts, feelings, and
actions.
Inquiring why people connect up to the Internet in the first place has
the same reasons that drives all human behaviour….
‘Everything we do
and think is the result of our emotional need to avoid pain, and our
desire to obtain pleasure.’
Many people
connect up to the Internet to meet new people and make new friends and
have a good time. This can be easily achieved by the sharing of one’s
life experiences and telling jokes and even by playing music. Some of
these people use the Internet as an escape from reality. Others use it
as a source of inspiration and mental stimulation by talking and
discussing about philosophy, religion, spirituality, or even to help
others. Most still use it as a vast reference and research tool, and of
course, more and more businesses are making use of this rapidly
expanding medium. Either way, for many, it is more for the feeling of
pleasure that they expect to receive, that they connect up to the
Internet, or follow their own interests, and make new friends. As an
example, I have at times, gone onto chat channels to help people who are
feeling depressed, and help them feel better by listening to their story
and letting them blow off steam.
How then exactly is emotion passed on via the telephone or Internet?
This seems to be a very commonly asked question, and the answer I have
reached after much study, thought and experience, is that emotion is
passed on over the Internet by one or more of 3 primary factors, being:
Factor 1. Emotions such as humour, empathy, understanding, caring are
passed on via the Internet by using appropriate language, and
tactfulness. Short phrases such as uh huh allows the person to feel
heard and to continue with what they are saying. Two words that have
great impact on someone from experience are I understand. Have you ever
felt angry after reading an article in a newspaper, or wept after
reading a romance novel? Words have the power to create any emotion,
even if just written, let alone if spoken and heard over the telephone.
It makes no difference if it is an article in a newspaper we are
reading, or if it is written on a computer screen …. words written are
words written. In Chapter 5, we discuss in great detail about Language.
Factor 2. Emotion is passed on mostly by rapport, using different
rapport tactics. Rapport is basically the establishing and maintaining a
relationship of mutual trust and understanding between people. We shall
cover rapport in detail in Chapter 8.
Factor 3. Emotion over the Internet is largely self generated. It is
well known that the mind cannot differentiate between what is vividly
imagined and what is real. Our body chemistry reacts the same way.
Attraction seems to occur on different levels, as well, like love, and
for different reasons. Darlene and I spoke for hours at a time. We
laughed, joked around, and talked seriously. We shared and exchanged
ideas, and thoughts, sometimes at the rate that not even the speed of
light can surpass, and yet, we were not interested in each other
romantically. And similarly, we can and have been as intimate as any
couple …. mentally and spiritually, just not physically. We say to each
other I love you and know precisely what we mean and where we stand.
I sense the main difference, is that we put up barriers as to how far we
are willing to go with another person, with our emotions, and therefore
our physical actions. When we lower the barriers to ourselves and
others, what is left is openness and love and as is stated in the book,
A Course in Miracles ….
‘In my own
defencelessness does my safety lie’
There is as
well the question of strategies for love and attraction (referred to in
Chapter 4), and possibly the concept of synergy needs to be considered.
The next
question that makes sense to ask is, why do we fall in love
with someone in the first place? And the answer according to Dr Ellen
Kreidman in her courses, Light His/Her Fire is ….
‘We fall in love with someone because of the way we feel
about ourselves when we are with this person’
When we feel special, adored, admired, cherished, appreciated, and
the like, we tend to fall in love with another person. And this is so
easily achieved over the Internet. With the Internet, we bypass the
initial pre-judgements of looks and ulterior motives, and what I feel
occurs is that we fall in love with the person for who and what they
truly are …. at the deepest of levels, which are giving and loving
souls.
It is simple to edify someone on the Internet and reframe a person’s
experience (referred to in Chapter 7) to allow them to feel good about
themselves. And this usually starts with one partner having a positive
attitude. We all love to hang around positive people because we feel
good about ourselves. When we love someone for who and what they
are, they and we expand to become more. This definitely happened for
Deb and me, and more so between Alla and I. Even in these changing
times, for many women, male approval is still important, and is so
easily
given over the Internet.
Now that we have some understanding as to why we fall in love, let’s
look
at firstly what a woman looks for in a man. A woman generally looks for
someone who is strong, yet tender, and a balance between the two. Some
of these attributes are presented in Table 3 below.
TABLE 3: What a
woman looks for in a man
(summarised version from Light His/Her Fire)
|
WHAT A WOMAN LOOKS FOR IN A MAN |
|
STRONG |
TENDER |
* Confident
* Someone who takes charge
* Someone who they can lean on
* A man who makes decisions
* Someone who is goal orientated
* A man who is dependable
* A good sense of humour
* A person who has strong convictions
* Responsible
* Independent
* Courageous
* Someone who will protect her openly |
* A man who is sensitive
to her needs and desires
* Humorous
* Generous
* Patient
* Loving
* A man who can show feelings
* Caring
* Understanding
* Responsive
* Encouraging
* Positive
* Sympathetic
* Attentive
* Nurturing
* Compassionate
* Tender |
A woman
also, apart from the above character traits wants other things from a
man, and are listed below in Table 4.
TABLE 4: What a woman wants from a man
(summarised version from Light His/Her Fire )
|
WHAT A WOMAN WANTS FROM A MAN |
* To be number 1 in
your life
* To be on the top of your list of priorities
* Wants herself to mean more to you than your friends etc.
* Wants to feel connected
* Wants her needs to be met before other peoples
* Wants your love validated
* Wants to be admired
* Wants to feel proud to be your mate
* Wants us to prove our love, either verbally or tangibly
* Wants to be complimented …. Daily
* Wants to be shown interest in her
|
Continued in the next
article.
Ernie Rohrbacher MASC (NLP)
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