|
The needs above can be
summarised in another way as well. There are 6 Human Needs, which is
spoken about in detail by Anthony Robbins in Personal Power II, The
Driving Force, that all people have, and these are mandatory to be
fulfilled in order to feel complete in all the areas of our lives, not
just love and relationships. It is up to us to find out how to fulfill
these Human Needs of our partners and thus live the quality of life we
seek. The 6 Human Needs are listed and elaborated in Table 8.
TABLE
8: The 6 Human Needs
(summary from Personal Power II)
|
The 6 Human Needs |
|
Need |
Comment |
Certainty/Comfort
|
We all
want to feel certain and comfortable with our partners. We want to
know and feel that they love us and fulfill our desires, and values.
Too much of this Human Need leads to Boredom; therefore Requirement
2 is needed.
|
Uncertainty/Variety
|
We all
want variety and some nice surprises from our partners. Too much
variety however leads a person to mental instability …. Ask anyone
who has gone through the experience of an earthquake. Some people,
to add “spice” to their relationship pick an argument to break up
the monotony and boredom. There is a contradiction between this
Human Need and that of Certainty/Comfort and a balance between the
two is needed.
|
Significance
|
We all
want to matter in a positive way. For many of us, if we feel that we
don’t matter in a good way, we will make ourselves matter in a
negative way, sometimes in the form of arguments and the like.
|
Connection/Love
|
Feeling
connected and loved by our special someone is possibly one of the
strongest of emotions and is in conflict with the above- mentioned
need, and this is where some challenges may arise as well, so a
balance between the two is imperative.
|
Personal
Growth
|
By
joining forces with our partners, we become more and expand. We all
need this and if this is missing, a dying relationship is looming in
the background because with relationships, it is either growing or
dying. There is no middle ground.
|
Contribution
|
If there
is no or little contribution to the relationship in terms of love,
time, communication, and even money, then again, we won’t feel
fulfilled and neither would our partners.
|
Simply
understanding the 6 Human Needs is enough to explain all human behaviour.
Let’s have a closer look, shall we?
Lets say you love your job and spend little time at home with your
family. If we have a deeper look, we would discover that on a scale from
1 to 10, 10 being the highest, the person who spends long hours at work
will have at least four out of the 6 emotional needs rank high, compared
to spending time at home. They would feel a high degree of certainty in
what they do; feel a high level of surprise and variety; they would feel
emotionally connected to their job. And with their job, it would give
them the feeling of significance in doing a job well done, or whatever.
Lets compare this now to a child who is in a gang and lives on the
street instead of being at home. His (or her) emotional need of
certainty of belonging may be more fulfilled than being at home. His
element of variety would be greater because he never knows what is to
happen next. He feels loved by his gang peers. His level of significance
is high as he feels he belongs to something important. And we haven’t
even considered the last two emotional needs.
With the six emotional needs above, I wish to emphasize one point
because it is so extremely important ….
‘People will sometimes
violate their values in order to fulfill their needs.’
Have you
ever met someone whose partner had an affair and they were the kind of
person who swore they would never do it themselves? If so, on one hand
they may value highly not having an affair, and on the other hand, their
emotional needs of their current relationship is not being fulfilled.
The greater of the two motivating forces was not their values, rather
their emotional needs.
Many internal conflicts also come from the apparent paradox’s of these
six emotional needs, and it is possible to find balance.
In terms of relationships, it can now be clearly seen how all this
relates.
It is up to us to fulfill these emotional needs of our mates, and for
them to do the same for us. This is part of the ongoing mutual
commitment in having a long term relationship.
With Alla, I showed her certainty by being consistent and by living with
the attitude of persistence and never giving up. I gave her variety by
saying something new in each e-mail, and sending her surprises in the
post. Alla had certainty that I would send her things, and not knowing
what, created an air of excitement, suspense and surprise. I let Alla
feel important by sending her many e-mails each day, that she knew she
was the one person I thought about most often, and us being together,
and sharing my thoughts, feelings, and actions on a daily basis. This
became very difficult when my telephone got disconnected a couple of
times for having high telephone bills. Alla felt loved and connected
because of the things I did for her, and us as a couple. And we both
grew enormously and contributed with our time, love, caring and
understanding to the depth and level unprecedented with anyone else.
It is really up to us to find out the way in which our partners tend to
obtain these feelings and the vehicles used. This can be done by
listening closely to the words they use, and what we see them do. It is
about being acutely sensitive to their reactions and by caring, loving,
and showing enough interest in them that allows us to deepen these
emotions in another person.
Continued in the next article.
Ernie Rohrbacher MASC (NLP)
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