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Relationships in the
beginning are usually easy going, and there maybe no problems, or only a
couple of small challenges. As they say….
‘Love is not blind; it
sees more, and because it sees more, it
chooses to see less.’
~source: unknown~
As well as….
‘The heart sees better
than the eye’
~Hebrew proverb~
What happens after a short
time, sometimes, is that we begin to see things about the other person
we may not like or agree with. The quickest way to destroy love or
communication is to become judgmental and to make the other person
wrong. If we also question the intent of the other person’s behaviour,
then we send the message that we don’t trust them, and with that, love
begins to dissipate. Other factors that affect communication and love
between people is lack of understanding; different realities; different
meanings from words and situations; and different rules to meet our
needs and standards that we hold for others and ourselves. The best way
to allow us to feel connected is to create a common path or goal.
It took my second time speaking with Deb for me to open up more and to
feel more comfortable, and she brought this to my attention. Deb at the
time had a few challenges of her own, and shared with me a quick run
down of her life. She mentioned how she has 4 children and had her first
child at age 15. Instead of judging her or saying, wow …. you started
early, (which I guess most people would have done), I replied by saying
…. Wow, a woman of action. I like that in a person. It was a reframe,
and I didn’t realise what I did until months later. This in turn allowed
Deb to feel good about herself and to let her see herself in a new and
different light.
As the days went by, we continued to chat, and I began to use the Meta
Model (we’ll cover that in Chapter 5) and using Rapport techniques, her
problems seemed to disappear. Along with that, so did her emotional
barriers, and what was opened within her, was love. It took only a short
time for us to have deep respect and admiration for each other, and what
began to occur was that we would meet on channel and then the two of us
would go and chat in private, with undivided attention, and talk for
hours at a time. We would go from serious to humorous conversations and
back to serious again, within seconds.
We allowed each other to feel important and as if nothing else mattered.
We felt special, and cherished, and what I gave to Deb, she in turn,
gave back to me.
Each morning, between midnight and 1.00am, which Deb called Witching
Hour, we would let our hair down and just allow ourselves to go crazy
and have fun. These were wonderful times for the both of us. It brought
out parts of us that had been closed for a long time. We fell in love
with each other for who and what we were, and for who we became as well.
We grew together. And with the assistance of URL’s that we sent to each
other, on love, friendship, relationships, happiness, etc, did we share
more of how we felt about each other. It let us blend in more and become
like one with each others heart and soul, because of the messages we
sent, and that were portrayed.
I remember one particular night some time ago now, when Deb and I were
talking on the Internet, and her youngest son became ill. She had to
take him to the hospital and she returned home soon after, and got back
onto the Internet. She explained to me how she would have to stay awake
all night and look after her son. I offered to ring her and did so, to
give Deb some company, and we stayed up until about 6.30 a.m. the
following morning. Deb mentioned that she will always remember and be
appreciative of the time, energy, effort, care and money for the 7 hour
phone call I gave. It’s what we did and gave to each other both on and
off the Internet, that allowed us to stay in love with each other.
One of my philosophies is that ….
‘Small things mean
Everything’
It’s the small acts of
kindness, caring, understanding, compassion, giving, and love that we do
for others that goes un-noticed that often makes the difference. It’s
about going beyond ourselves and doing the right thing by others, and
therefore ourselves, in the long run. All the little things and more
that we did had opened our hearts and minds to love.
Deb said I gave her so much. I felt good giving what I did, and I felt
it was the right thing to do. When the other person receives something,
they feel good, and when they feel good, we feel good again, so by
giving, we have the unique privilege of feeling twice as good as the
person receiving. I will admit, when it comes to giving, we don't always
get it back from the person we are giving to, yet it has, or is on its
way back to you, when you give. It’s a Law. As it says in the book A
Course In Miracles ....
‘When you reach your hand
out into the darkness to help
another’s hand back into the light, you discover it is your own’
I urge anyone and everyone
who is in love with someone through the Internet, or otherwise, and
having a relationship, to do whatever you can to make your partner feel
special, cherished and loved. And if you feel you can’t, then you must!
Giving excuses does not make anything better. What you will get back,
will make what you give, seem like a pittance, in comparison. Michael
Landon, just before he died said it this way in an interview with Life
Magazine ….
‘Someone should tell us
straight from the start that we are
dying. Maybe then we will live life to the limit. Every minute of
every day …. do what I say …. whatever you want to do …. do
it now …. there are only so many tomorrows’
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Love is the greatest gift we
can offer and receive, and it begins with peace of mind with others and
ourselves. One of the aspects of relationships is for Joining, and one
person plus another person seldom equals two. It is usually more or less
than two. This is called Synergy.
For those, like myself, who are, or have been in a relationship that has
ended, if I may say, to let us feel better, is to allow us to forgive
ourselves and others. In terms of healing, forgiveness may be one of the
most important gifts. Forgiveness is one skill that nearly nothing else
can beat. Feelings of hurt and pain diminish when we fully and
completely forgive, because it makes us more compassionate and
sympathetic. It brings out a better part of us. It brings out who we
truly are and what we are made of.
Considering the amount of
pain I had endured in my time on this planet thus far, one thing that
allows me to keep my heart open is….
‘Death is not the greatest
loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we
live.’
~Dr Norman Cousins~
That doesn’t mean I have
never closed off from the world. I believe we all do at some stage in
our lives. It is the remembering of who and what we are that can bring
us back to be loving again.
The Chinese have the right idea, as the following proverb suggests….
‘Be not afraid of growing
slowly, be only afraid of moving still.’
Again, in the book, A Course
In Miracles, it states ….
‘All human communication is
either a loving response or a cry for help’
and by understanding this
concept, we are able to be at our best, and give what we and others
need.
To love someone, especially unconditionally, the way we would expect to
love our mates, takes commitment ….
‘Mutual commitment is the
foundation of every lasting long term relationship’
or said another way ….
‘Nothing great was ever
created without absolute and total commitment’
If you feel commitment is a
trap, that prevents you from feeling free, allow me to share some words
of wisdom from Anthony Robbins, on a tape of his called The Power of
Successful Relationships, where he states ….
‘If you are truly free, then
you are free to commit to a relationship that can last’
If we are in a committed
relationship, then our partners need to allow us to do what we want,
respecting our desires, otherwise, maybe, and only maybe, we are with
the wrong person. Obviously, compromise must be part of any relationship
as well, and this comes down to offering and receiving.
Alla and I have known each other for quite a while now and we still feel
each others vibes. We have spent many hours alone together on the phone,
and we have had many great and interesting discussions. I know largely
how she is feeling and she is the same with me. At times, I may be
feeling happy, for no apparent reason and Alla will share with me later
how she had something great happen to her, and similarly, if I feel
down, she may share with me how she had a dreadful day. She will share
certain thoughts on the phone with me, of which I may have had the same
day, or the day before. At least I expected this after my experiences
with Deb and Darlene …. to be able to read and feel so close to someone.
I have never met anyone like Alla, who is so similar, and yet, so
opposite to myself. We have helped open each others heart and soul, more
than ever before so that we can blend together, and become one. Maybe it
is better stated like this …. it is one person and another person who
blend in together, to create a wonderful union and one-ness. I do not
agree with the statement of …. you complete me. With this statement, it
says that we are not whole, and I feel this may lead to deeper and
larger problems down the track.
I feel indebted to all my past relationships, and mostly with Deb, who
has taught me so much, that I am in a better position to be the person
who I need to be, for Alla and I, to have a great and blissful
relationship. It is not so much what Deb said that influenced me so
much, as the way she was, and the things she did and didn’t do for me.
Deb has helped me to know with a lot more clarity what I want, and don’t
want in a relationship, and as such, has helped me find Alla, whom I
love with all my heart, mind, body, and soul. With my experiences with
Deb alone, it has allowed me to find out the ins and outs of Alla’s
thinking, personality, character, and drive.
Moving on with my life, after the ended relationship with Deb took a lot
of forgiveness, compassion, and love….
‘The fruit of peace is love,
and the fruit of love is forgiveness.’
~Mary of Majugorje~
‘Today I forgive all those
that have offended me. I give my love
to all thirsty hearts, both to those who love me and to those who
do not love me.’
~Paramahansa Yogananda~
This is the hope I wish to
share with people. That if you are in love with someone and want a
relationship with them, and they don’t want one in return, maybe they
are preparing you for a better and stronger relationship with someone
else, and they are teaching us the lessons we need to learn. I also
understand how painful it can be to let go and move on.
Deb and I were together as boyfriend and girlfriend for less than 3
months, when she broke it off with me, and wanted to go back to just
being friends. She said that she felt as if she couldn’t commit.
Unfortunately, the only commitment I have seen in Deb, has been in not
committing. I didn’t fully accept the end of our relationship, and I did
whatever I could to get her back as my girlfriend for about 9 months, to
no avail, and then I let her go in a matter of minutes, after I learned
some healing techniques. I took with me the positive leanings, and with
that, I was easily able to move on with my life. I understand that
everyone has their own time, and it took me a long time, and a lot of
pain before I learnt to let go of Deb, which I am now so grateful for,
because I have found my Alla.
In relation to attracting the person we want, as an example, Alla had
more than 800 men approach her with the dating service, and out of those
800 men, I was the one she fell in love with. What I did for Alla to
feel attracted to me, I share with you in this book. The principles do
work, if you use them.
I wish this to be the hope for others who are still feeling pain from a
broken or ended relationship, and that when we are ready, there is
someone else out there that is more suited for us. If what we are doing
isn’t working, maybe it is just preparing us for better times and
circumstances, yet to come.
My experiences with Deb has helped shape my soul, and given my life a
new direction and focus. The tools she used were like chisel and hammer
and sculpted me to become the person I am now, and thankfully, I
wouldn’t change anything, even if I could go back in time. If pain is a
motivator for people, like it was for me, to learn and to grow, then I
urge everyone who has any situation similar to what I had with Deb to do
whatever you can, and in the meantime, not to lose sense of ones self.
By loving and forgiving ourselves and others, we are, I feel, in a
better position to learn and take the lessons we are meant to learn, and
move on with our lives. Until this time comes, maybe we are doomed to
feel pain and suffering. I just hope that the length of time of the pain
and suffering isn’t as long for others as it was for me.
I’d like to share some things with you that have helped me over the
years, especially during the hard times.
‘Be a life long or short,
its completeness depends on what it was lived for.’
~David Starr Jordan~
Continued in the next article.
Ernie Rohrbacher MASC (NLP)
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