Article based on "Revolutionary Sex" ebook
Ever been in a relationship... maybe the one you are in now... and your girl just seemed to become less and less interested in sex over time?
Maybe she hardly ever wants to do it at all anymore?
How about the other way around... ever been in a relationship with a woman you love and respect, a woman you are deeply committed to... but you just feel like you are sexually... bored?
I mean, of course we all LOOK once in a while at attractive strangers... but do you sometimes feel attraction for other women just because they are "other"... just because the allure of something that is not-the-same-as-always seems overwhelmingly powerful and attractive?
Think she ever feels that way?
Okay, how about this...
Have you had a fight about how the money is spent, who's turn it is to wash the dishes, or how she made the coffee... and realized that the fight wasn't really about ANY of those things?
You know, when you're just feeling frustrated and it seems like
there's NOTHING you can do right?
Nothing she won't hassle you about?
And of course, vice-versa... like she just gets on your nerves all the time?
Let me put this together for you:
Do you remember when the sex was red-hot and you just NEVER ARGUED about any of those stupid, petty things?
I'm not saying you never had a fight... but not all these little quibbles about nothing.
Now I've looked at this from both sides, and, OF COURSE it is true that sometimes there is some seed of relationship discontent, that it will bleed into your sex life. If the relationship is going bad, then the sex will probably go bad too...
But I believe that more often it happens in reverse. I think the sex goes bad and then everything else gets screwed up around it.
Nobody likes to admit that though... couples therapists don't like
to blame it all on the sex...
you don't want to ever say to her: "look, I'm pissed at you all the time because I'd rather be in bed with someone younger, hotter... or just someone new... and you are the prison keeping me from it!"
You may THINK it from time to time... but you don't say it. Partially you don't say it because you don't want to hurt her feelings, and partially because you know that there's some un-truth there... it's not like if she was out of your life, you'd suddenly have 5 ex-centerfolds bouncing on your bed the next day.
But the fact remains... and this is a huge challenge facing marriages today... couples get bored with the sex, they start to get frustrated, they fight more...
And all too often they end up apart because "he wouldn't listen to
me," or "she doesn't know how to save money," or "we just fight all
it seems like I can't do ANYTHING right!"
I'm not going to say this NEVER happens when the sex is great... at least not with the word "NEVER" all in all capital letters... but...
This never happens when the sex is great.
The problem is... it's hard to keep the sex great... and it is harder than ever in our modern world.
First you've got the massive amount of entertainment, media, and advertisements showing pictures of people who are 1-in-a-million beautiful, who are then air-brushed, perfected (even the contours of the body are shifted in a computer program), and made unnaturally luminous and youthful... and these images are EVERYWHERE.
She's looking at that Calvin Klein underwear guy, you're looking at that Victoria's Secret girl, and you're both thinking... hmm... why doesn't MY honey look like that?
Then, of course, there is pornography... I could go on a long time about how this is hurting couples, and, yes, I KNOW that many couples enjoy it together... but there are real issues going on here that no previous generation has ever faced...
I don't have time to go into it in this issue of the Allman Report... but trust me, porn is here to stay, and whether you love it or hate it, it would be absurd to say that it is not affecting us.
And, finally, there is the childish but insanely popular belief in our civilization that we DESERVE it to be perfect.
We are spoon fed, from the time we are children, that we are ENTITLED to the things we want.
Everyone is supposed to have a car, everyone gets a television, everyone is entitled to this and that... and especially in our relationships...
Every woman wants Prince Charming, every man wants the obedient, sweet but sexy Barbie Doll...
And none of think we should have to WORK at it.
It's like those old episodes of Seinfeld where as soon as something
isn't perfect, they're gone...
like her hands are too big, her voice is too soft, she stands too close when she talks, she wore the same dress twice... NEXT!
It's an exaggeration to make comedy, but the producers of the show were shining a light onto something very real in our society.
So look, here's the first thing you are going to need to be willing to do to keep the sex great...
It takes WORK.
Great sex forever is not something that "if it's truly the right person for me, it will just happen that way naturally."
That's a load of crap.
Too many people think that your "soul mate"
is the person that you are perfect with... the person that you never fight with and are attracted to all the time.
Your soul mate is the person that you love enough to DO THE WORK for... the person you'd make some changes for. The person who will work to make changes for you. And the person that you'll stick it out with when you just can't make those changes for each other.
So that's tip #1...
Be willing to do some WORK for it.
It won't just happen for you automatically.
You can't be lazy about your sex life.
If you do put in the work, it will not only reward you with better sex (which is pretty good all by itself!), but also you will be rewarded with a better, more stable, happier, and more fulfilling relationship.
Here's tip #2:
Compliment each other as often as possible and MEAN IT.
Find the things you like, especially the sexual and attraction stuff... and tell each other.
Positive reinforcement is incredibly powerful.
It's amazing how much more motivated she'll become to go to the gym and work on her body if you tell her that she has sexy legs...
Just like you are twice as likely to hit the gym if she tells you that your shoulder muscles turn her on.
Then... that thing you already like... just gets better. And so will everything else.
Here's the other part of this equation... when you deliver these compliments sincerely and out loud, you actually do something to the circuits of your own brain.
A very smart guy named Robert Cialdini wrote about this neurological effect in his brilliant book, "Influence", and he called it "Commitment and Consistency".
What happens is, when you compliment your woman and tell her what you think is sexy about her, it forms powerful neurological associations that actually make you FEEL more sexually attracted to her.
The more you do it, the stronger the effect.
You'd be surprised how powerful it can be when you tell your wife, "you still make me as horny as a teenager." (Though, depending upon where you are in your relationship, you might have to work your way up to that one).
Talk about it with each other.
Talk about this newsletter. Talk about your sexual relationship. Talk about what turns you on (even the secret stuff). Talk about what you wish she'd do or what you wish you could experiment with together.
I know, I know... I make that sound like it's easy. I get it. I know that it's NOT easy for most couples.
Talk about it anyway.
You don't have to DO everything you fantasize about. Some stuff is better just as fantasy.
But the ability to trust and talk is HUGE.
And you'd be surprised about how many things, when you are both being honest, you really have in common.
Most fantasies are far more common than you'd guess. MOST men fantasize about cheerleaders and strippers...
And guess what?
Most women fantasize about BEING that cheerleader or stripper.
Talk about it. Get on the same team.
When both of you prioritize your sex life, when both of you agree that it's IMPORTANT, it's incredible just how amazing it can be.
And, whether you choose to believe it or not, this is a FACT:
The sex really can get better and better every year.
And if you want a lot more tips, techniques, and ideas to make it that way, then keep reading this column... or take the short cut and check out my book! It's easy (you can order it online and read it immediately right on your computer), and it's under 20 bucks.
Remember that sex is the principle difference between a great friendship and great lovers. It is the soil and sunlight of a healthy relationship and it cannot be neglected.
And if you are a man or a couple reading this, and you want more (much more) information on improving your intimacy and love-making, sign up for my free e-Newsletter here
I'm looking forward to sharing more great tips with you in my next article.
P.S., It's important that you understand this stuff first. But obviously, it's part of a much bigger picture. When you are ready to take the next step and become a master of her sexual pleasure, you'll need to download my eBook, Revolutionary Sex
If you haven't signed up for my free newsletter yet, you can do that here
(c) 2007-2009 Alex Allman, New You Advice Inc, Robert Lee and Cheerful Attitude Web Design Ltd., All Rights Reserved. By accepting and reading this article you agree that: You understand this to be an opinion and not professional advice, it is only to be used for personal entertainment purposes, you are solely responsible for any use of the ideas, concepts, and content and will hold all authors and publishers harmless.