Let me give you a warning in advance about the material in this article, I am NOT responsible if your neighbors complain about the noise you'll be making with her.
Article based on "Revolutionary Sex" ebook
It's a strange new world and the lines and boundaries for what make infidelity have become more and more blurry.
Most couples are fine with harmless flirtation. And most couples would consider a passionate kiss to be way off limits. (Though, obviously, for a growing population of "swingers" even sex with someone outside of the relationship is acceptable).
The question I put to you is this:
If you found out your man was flirting on an Internet dating site... how would you feel about it?
On the one hand, it is in the sanitized world of the computer. Several degrees safer than a real, breathing woman in his office. On the other hand, an office flirt seems to have less "intention" than logging on to a site specifically for female interaction.
Here's an email from one of my subscribers:
My fiancé and I have been together for 2 years.
In that 2 years he has broken my heart twice. Twice he has gone on the internet on date sites including the one we met on and started talking to women and had internet and phone sex. I was devastated.
We've always been honest with each other I constantly tell him I love him how good he looks how good he is in bed and how he makes me feel. When I tell him that I love him he always tells me he loves me more.
I don't know what to do. I work a lot of nights and when I'm at work I have anxiety attacks because of wondering if he's on date site or having phone or internet sex.
When we talked about it the first time he said it was just the excitement of it and the second time he said he just wanted to see what was out there and he wasn't looking locally. He shouldn't have been looking at all. How do I prevent this from happening again?
Here was my reply:
Here are the facts that I am certain of:
The problem is not with YOU. NOT WITH YOU.
It is true that humans (and much more so male humans) are wired to crave sexual variety. The hard-wired desire can't be completely eliminated no matter how much you love someone.
However, like the desire for an athlete in training to eat a piece of cake, or the desire of a teenage girl to shoplift a piece of jewelry left out on the counter at the mall, or the desire of an angry guy to punch someone in the nose who just cut him off in traffic...
We humans can quite easily transcend our animal desires if we have the will.
We can resist these urges.
So why is he doing this?
Well, it's his ego. He is either unsatisfied in his work, his fitness, his age, or his income. I mean... this is 99% reliable to explain this behavior in a man that is in love (assuming you believe him... and let's assume that you do, and that he is).
In the modern world it is very difficult for any guy to feel that he has fully come into his identity as a man... we expect a lot from ourselves. Things don't always work out the way we want. We invest ourselves in some area of ego that we feel like we have some control or success over...
For some men that means spending all of his time bulking up in the gym, for some men it means investing himself in his career and becoming a workaholic, or... and for some men that means getting validation from women.
There are other ways that we get our validation and our sense of value, and often it is a combination of these things.
So let's get to cases here:
Should you dump him?
If there's no trust, there's no relationship. If he's doing this now, can you rely on him when the chips are really down? Marriages are long and incredibly challenging.
You will face disasters you can't even imagine right now. Everyone does. At minimum, you will face the death of parents... but there are so many other things that we humans go through. You deserve a partner that you don't have to constantly worry about.
So here's my take (and this part is truly just my opinion): Share these thoughts with him... the facts and the opinions... and tell him that you can't do the job of raising him. You don't need a child, you need an equal partner that you can trust so that you can go forward into a fabulously passionate and joyful life.
Like the knight that must slay the dragon before he can't claim the princess, he must fight his inner issues and win his masculine maturity before he can have you.
In other words, tell him he needs to work on himself and become a whole person before you can marry him. Marriage requires two whole and mature people to succeed.
When his ego is in line, and he has sorted out his own issues, he will not do this shit anymore. I can't promise that he will beat the dragon (dragons are big and they sometimes win). And I can't promise that when he finally does, one or both of you aren't in a new relationship...
But that would be the advice I'd give to one of my close friends.
Please remember this however:
I don't know you. I don't know him. Relationships are more complex than you can sum up in an email questions. And I am nowhere near arrogant enough to tell you that I am certain that I'm right here. In fact, I could be completely wrong. Too many things I just don't know.
You must make your own decision. See... we've ALL got dragons.
And in our culture, men seem to have a lot of challenges in the area of growing up, and emotional maturity is not anywhere near as valued as it should be.
By holding him to a higher standard you might very well become exactly what he needs to grow to the next level. And helping each other to grow as individuals is one of the highest values of a loving relationship.
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(c) 2007-2009 Alex Allman, New You Advice Inc, Robert Lee and Cheerful Attitude Web Design Ltd., All Rights Reserved. By accepting and reading this article you agree that: You understand this to be an opinion and not professional advice, it is only to be used for personal entertainment purposes, you are solely responsible for any use of the ideas, concepts, and content and will hold all authors and publishers harmless.