Rhonda
Findling M.A.,C.R.C psychotherapist and author of “Don't Call That
Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go”, “The Commitment Cure, What To
Do When You Fall For An Ambivalent Man” and “The Dating Cure”. You
can visit Rhonda's web site at
www.rhondafindling.com
Sometimes we fall in
love with men who are difficult to get along with. However, there
are things you can do to have a relationship with a difficult man
and protect yourself from getting hurt or taken advantage of. Here
are some suggestions:
1) There’s nothing wrong with changing your phone number.
If you’re trying to end a relationship with a man who is ambivalent
or traumatizing you, then changing your phone number is a way for
you to set firm limits and boundaries. There’s nothing wrong with it
and in fact, I suggest doing this if you have difficulty saying no
to him. Also, you won’t have to know or wonder whether he’s trying
to call you.
2) Don’t be passive-talk back.
Don’t just take what he says at face value. If he comes up with a
ridiculous reason or excuse for what he says or does, then say
something. Don’t just passively take it.
3) His reality isn’t your reality
His reality may be a case he builds up to support his fear of
commitment. For instance, he tells you it’s better to date more than
one person at a time or it’s better to see each other on Sunday
night rather than Saturday night. That’s his opinion. You don’t have
to agree with him. Stick to your own reality.
4) Don’t let him downgrade the relationship.
If you’ve been dating and he wants to break up, and just be friends,
don’t do it. Why would you anyway? Aren’t you insulted that he
doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore? His changing the nature
of the relationship might mean that he met another woman or just
isn’t that interested in you, or can’t sustain a relationship. It’s
a waste of your time and will end up traumatizing you. Cut your
losses and leave.
5) Doting on him won’t make him love you.
Catering to a man and being his “love slave” (cooking for him, doing
his laundry, giving him money), just makes you look codependent
unless he is reciprocating all your giving behavior. It’s human
nature to take advantage of people. So you’re setting yourself up to
be exploited and used.
6) Don’t tolerate “partial relationships”
Partial relationships are:
> You only see him during the week, never on the weekends.
> Relationships with men that never go anywhere.
> Relationships with men that are involved with other women.
> He only wants to see you when he is in the mood, at his
convenience
Partial relationships are a way for him to get his needs met
(sexual, companionship, etc,) without his having to deal with his
anxiety or issues about commitment. It’s nothing but a compromise,
and you get the raw end of the deal.
7) Stop analyzing him.
I know he’s an orphan, his mother left him when he was three, his
wife cleaned him out, yada, yada, yada. Although it’s sad and your
heart goes out to him, if he dumped you or sees other women behind
your back, etc., his traumas are no reason to accept his bad
unloving treatment of you. The damage he incurs by other people in
his past could be targeted towards you, if it doesn’t go untreated.
Although it is beneficial to understand the reason behind the
inconsistent rejecting behavior, if you use it to rationalize his
bad treatment of you you’re setting yourself up for a wasting a lot
of precious time on a man who’s just not going to come through for
you.
If a man is in a deep committed relationship with you, with a future
and has a traumatic past then it’s appropriate to feel sorry for him
and be empathic and understanding. However, if he’s hurting or
traumatizing you, refer him to a shrink and wish him luck.
8) Don’t waste time.
I understand how much you may want to be in love and how much you
adore the man you’re seeing, but if he starts playing head games
with you and is not genuine and authentic about wanting a serious
relationship with you:
> Remember that you will squander time which can be detrimental and
even self destructive if you are in your childbearing years, and
want a family.
> Every breakup is a trauma so the longer you stay with him the
longer it will take you to recover.
If a man breaks up with you and wants to just stay friends or have a
partial relationship, the relationship will most likely not go
anywhere, or completely deteriorate. Get out. Drop him. Don’t let
him waste your time, traumatizing you for the next man who’s out
there, who may be genuinely looking for a relationship and not a
narcissistic man who is wasting your time with a self serving
arrangement that he wants at his convenience.
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