Rhonda
Findling M.A.,C.R.C psychotherapist and author of “Don't Call That
Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go”, “The Commitment Cure, What To
Do When You Fall For An Ambivalent Man” and “The Dating Cure”. You
can visit Rhonda's web site at
www.rhondafindling.com
Divorce, which is
currently at epidemic proportions today, is still one of the most
emotionally upsetting life crises a person ever goes through.
When a marriage has
ended, it’s a tremendous loss and whenever there is a loss you must
feel the pain. I hate saying this to my clients because I don’t like
telling people thy have to feel pain in order to get better and move
on. Unfortunately it’s true. You have to embrace the pain and move
through it to heal. The process of going through a loss is called
mourning. It is a complicated process that includes many feelings –
grief, longing and yearning, hopelessness, anger, apathy, sadness,
and despair.
When mourning the
loss of a spouse, you will go through four stages. You may not pass
through each stage in order, and sometimes the stages overlap.
Denial is the first
stage. You do not want to face the reality that he’s gone, that he
rejected you, or that he’s done something awful to provoke you to
break up with him. You are in emotional shock. You may even feel
numb.
Anger is the second
stage. You are facing reality now and feeling enraged at your ex for
betraying you, hurting you, or abandoning you.
However, don’t use
your anger as an excuse to confront him, tell him off, or even
worse, become violent. Acting out your anger with your ex won’t help
the situation. In fact, it might make it worse. Most people don’t
respond well to aggressive confrontation, so you probably wont the
get response that you’re looking for. You may feel better
momentarily but his response to your anger could result in your
feelings more hurt, abandoned, or angry. Instead, share your
feelings of anger with members of your support system.
The third and fourth
stages are depression and despair. These are the most difficult and
painful stages. Any past abandonments you may have struggled with,
in your life which could contribute to your feelings of sadness and
depression. This is an especially important time to call on your
support system for emotional nurturing. Try to be self-comforting
while you bite the bullet and struggle through the pain. Although
this stage may feel overwhelming, remember that time heals all
wounds. You will eventually move to the final stage: acceptance
which is when you begin to pull your life back together again.
In addition to your
struggle to heal from your divorce you might have to do some hard
work on coming to terms with dealing with your ex, in an emotionally
healthy and productive way. If you don’t have children together, you
can stay in touch or never speak again if that’s what you prefer.
However if you have
kids you have no choice but to be in ongoing communication with your
ex. That doesn’t mean you have to be best buddies though. Being
friends can be very painful and even self destructive if your wounds
are open and fresh. So it’s better to set firm boundaries for
yourself and ex at this time. Only speak about necessary topics such
as the children, scheduling, finances, the house etc. Avoid social
and personal discussions, until time has passed and both of you have
worked through your feelings of loss and hurt. Sometimes
professional counseling is helpful to get support during this
difficult transition.
There is nothing
wrong with starting to date when you feel ready. In fact meeting new
potential partners and going out socially can be healing but take it
slow in the beginning. It’s good to stay positive and hopeful. Some
of my clients found their relationships and marriages the second
time around to be more happy and fulfilling. So your marriage ending
might be the beginning of a whole new journey for you.
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