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Rinatta Paries: The Seven+ Signs You Should Run (not walk) from Your Partner

Rinatta Paries,  Relationship Coach

Perhaps a more appropriate title for today's article is, "Seven+ Signs You Should Run (not walk) from Your Partner in the Beginning Stages of the Relationship," or "Seven+ Signs You Should Postpone Your Wedding, " or "Seven+ Signs You Should Get Relationship Help for Your Marriage or Long-Term Relationship."

The relationship questions readers ask most frequently are all basically the same. First they'll explain certain undesirable behaviors their partners are displaying. Then they'll ask whether they should tolerate this behavior, or whether they are making too big an issue of it.

There are, in fact, certain behaviors which should not be tolerated in a relationship because they damage and will eventually destroy the relationship.

If you are in a brand new relationship and your partner exhibits one or some of the behaviors below, you may want to consider walking away. If you stay, you may be getting much more trouble, headache, and heartache then you bargained for.

If you are in a committed relationship and are invested in staying, or if you are planning to get engaged or married soon and some of these behaviors show up, try to work through them. Since you have already invested time, effort, and your heart into the relationship, the relationship may be strong enough to withstand the necessary change. But hold off on making a deeper commitment to each other until the issues are resolved. Commitment and marriage tend to make issues worse rather than better.

Finally, if you are married, you probably want to do everything possible to save your marriage. If the two of you are dealing with any of the issues below, the most effective way of overcoming them is with outside expert help.

1. Excessive Flirtation
People in committed relationships, even in early committed relationships, should not be flirting with others in a way that makes their partner uncomfortable. Here is the measuring stick: your partner tells you about the flirting or you witness your partner flirting and neither of you flinches - the flirtation is ok. Otherwise it is not and you should be rightly bothered.

This is of course assuming that you are not overly insecure and you do not view *any* interaction your partner has with others as flirting.

2. Girl/boy watching
Some discreet girl/boy watching may occasionally be ok. But when it is blatant and intrusive, it becomes a relationship problem.

You are not too sensitive if this bothers you. You should not learn to get over this and you should not learn to tolerate this behavior.


3. Infidelity
Unless you have a workable open-marriage agreement with your partner, you absolutely should not tolerate infidelity. There is simply no excuse for it. Alcohol, loneliness, anger, etc., are not good reasons to get involved with other people when you are in a relationship.


4. Is in another relationship already
Ok, I know people get involved with those who are already in other relationships with the hope they will win and the other relationship will end. But in reality this seldom happens.

If you are involved in this kind of a relationship, perhaps it's time to give your partner an ultimatum. Set a drop-the- relationship-date, by which you partner will willingly release the other relationship or you.


5. Contact of a romantic nature from other people
Why would someone in a relationship be getting phone calls, mail or e-mail of a romantic nature from other people? And why would the other person in the relationship tolerate this?

I think often it is because the partner somehow does not place responsibly for what's happening where it belongs -- squarely on the shoulders of the person who is receiving the communication.

If communication is ongoing, it is not accidental or victimization; it is invited and your partner is getting something out of it. To avoid a surge of feedback from those of you who may disagree with this point, let me say that there are now many easy ways to block unwanted communication, both on regular phones, cell phones, and e-mail.

You are not too sensitive to feel threatened and to wonder if you are about to lose the relationship or be cheated on. Both may happen next.

More Rinatta Paries:

 

6. Reactive/angry
Almost everyone has a frustrated moment, day, or even a week. Life can get very hectic and stressful at times. But, if your partner is reactive or angry most of the time, for an extended period of time, this may just be the way he or she is.

If the two of you have repeatedly tried to problem-solve and yet nothing seems to cool the reactiveness and anger, you may want to ask yourself if you want this on ongoing basis.


7. Says everything is your fault
Every relationship has issues or problems that need to be discussed. For some this happens sooner then later. But make no mistake -- this happens in every relationship. In fact, problems are an inherent part of being in a relationship, so nothing is wrong when something is wrong.

However, if your partner categorically refuses to acknowledge and deal with his or her contribution to the problem and instead says in one way or another it's all your fault, you have a serious problem on your hands. How will you move on and build a deeper relationship if your current problems cannot be resolved?

You are not pushy to ask your partner to deal with what needs to be dealt with. You have every right to ask for an active partner in a relationship.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries


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(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2003. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!

 

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