Perhaps a more appropriate title for today's article is, "Seven+ Signs
You Should Run (not walk) from Your Partner in the Beginning Stages of
the Relationship," or "Seven+ Signs You Should Postpone Your Wedding, "
or "Seven+ Signs You Should Get Relationship Help for Your Marriage or
Long-Term Relationship."
The relationship questions readers ask most frequently are all basically
the same. First they'll explain certain undesirable behaviors their
partners are displaying. Then they'll ask whether they should tolerate
this behavior, or whether they are making too big an issue of it.
There are, in fact, certain behaviors which should not be tolerated in a
relationship because they damage and will eventually destroy the
relationship.
If you are in a brand new relationship and your partner exhibits one or
some of the behaviors below, you may want to consider walking away. If
you stay, you may be getting much more trouble, headache, and heartache
then you bargained for.
If you are in a committed relationship and are invested in staying, or
if you are planning to get engaged or married soon and some of these
behaviors show up, try to work through them. Since you have already
invested time, effort, and your heart into the relationship, the
relationship may be strong enough to withstand the necessary change. But
hold off on making a deeper commitment to each other until the issues
are resolved. Commitment and marriage tend to make issues worse rather
than better.
Finally, if you are married,
you probably want to do everything possible to save your marriage. If
the two of you are dealing with any of the issues below, the most
effective way of overcoming them is with outside expert help.
1. Excessive Flirtation
People in committed relationships, even in early committed
relationships, should not be flirting with others in a way that makes
their partner uncomfortable. Here is the measuring stick: your partner
tells you about the flirting or you witness your partner flirting and
neither of you flinches - the flirtation is ok. Otherwise it is not and
you should be rightly bothered.
This is of course assuming that you are not overly insecure and you do
not view *any* interaction your partner has with others as flirting.
2. Girl/boy watching
Some discreet girl/boy watching may occasionally be ok. But when it is blatant
and intrusive, it becomes a relationship problem.
You are not too sensitive if this bothers you. You should not learn to get
over this and you should not learn to tolerate this behavior.
3. Infidelity
Unless you have a workable open-marriage agreement with your partner, you
absolutely should not tolerate infidelity. There is simply no excuse for it.
Alcohol, loneliness, anger, etc., are not good reasons to get involved with
other people when you are in a relationship.
4. Is in another relationship already
Ok, I know people get involved with those who are already in other
relationships with the hope they will win and the other relationship will end.
But in reality this seldom happens.
If you are involved in this kind of a relationship, perhaps it's time to give
your partner an ultimatum. Set a drop-the- relationship-date, by which you
partner will willingly release the other relationship or you.
5. Contact of a romantic nature from other people
Why would someone in a relationship be getting phone calls, mail or e-mail of
a romantic nature from other people? And why would the other person in the
relationship tolerate this?
I think often it is because the partner somehow does not place responsibly for
what's happening where it belongs -- squarely on the shoulders of the person
who is receiving the communication.
If communication is ongoing, it is not accidental or victimization; it is
invited and your partner is getting something out of it. To avoid a surge of
feedback from those of you who may disagree with this point, let me say that
there are now many easy ways to block unwanted communication, both on regular
phones, cell phones, and e-mail.
You are not too sensitive to feel threatened and to wonder if you are about to
lose the relationship or be cheated on. Both may happen next.
Today's Question