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Rinatta Paries: What To Do When Your Partner Runs, Part 2

Rinatta Paries,  Relationship Coach

To see part I of this article, go here.

Have you ever been with a partner who ran away from you, permanently or temporarily?

Running from intimacy and from the other person is very common and happens in most relationships at various maturation points. This article will be of great use to you no matter what kind of a relationship you are in.

Here is the second half of the list of ten steps to follow when your partner runs from you and the relationship:

6. Communicate
If you have stood still and done nothing to chase down your partner or to run away in reaction and still nothing has changed, it is time to communicate. Communicate only if you can be calm, cool, and collected. Again, communicate only if you can be calm, cool and collected. If you get intense and emotional toward a person who has run away, he or she will simply run further and faster.

Here is what you want to communicate:

** Does he realize he has run away?
** Did you do something to contribute to the running away?
** Would she like to talk about what's going on?

Here is what you don't want to communicate:

** You miss him or her, especially terribly.
** You are in love with him or her.
** You would be very sad -- or worse, distraught -- if the relationship was over.
** You will do anything to save the relationship.

Such sentiments are more likely to drive your partner even further away.

7. Take care of yourself
When your partner has run away, your first line of defense should be self-care. Self-care is a series of actions that make you feel ok again, like talking to others, journaling, exercising, sleeping, getting a massage, etc. Do as many activities as necessary for you to feel whole and ok as much of the time as possible. This will help you tolerate the situation with grace and patience.

8. Run away a little yourself
If nothing has changed yet and your partner still has not returned, run away a little yourself. This of course applies only if the person is still around in some way, mostly in a marriage or long-term relationship.

Do not run away as a way to play games or have an impact, but do so to express your feelings. Get in touch with how you feel about your partner running away. Does your partner's behavior make you want to be nicer to him or her, cook dinner for him or her, do yard work, etc.? Does your partner's behavior make you want to spend free time with him or her?

I would guess the answer to these questions is no. Most people do not genuinely want to be around partners who have run away from them. But most people feel compelled to create closeness to encourage their partners to come back. However, intimacy in this case will encourage complacency or worst.. Nothing will change because nothing is wrong. Or more running will happen because there is too much intimacy.

9. Decide to stay or move on
If the person left the relationship and does not come back, give it a little time. Grieve the relationship and then move on and find someone else who wants to be with you more and wants to run less.

If you are in a marriage or long-term relationship and the person has ran away emotionally or intimacy-wise, but is still present in other ways, give it a good amount of time to see if something changes. If there is no change, make a decision about whether you can live with how things are. If not, leave.

10. What to do if this happens repeatedly
If the leaving/coming back-cycle repeats over and over again in your relationship, you undoubtedly feel like a yo-yo. You need to stop how the cycle affects you, if not the cycle itself.

If you have just started the relationship and the person is already running away and coming back repeatedly, you may want to end the relationship. To have this at the beginning of the relationship foreshadows how poorly it will likely turn out.

More Rinatta Paries:


If you are in a long-term relationship or marriage and your partner is repeatedly running, you need to decide if there is any chance of the situation changing.

In my opinion, change can only take place when the person who has the running away problem is doing emotional work -- meaning the person can tell you why he or she is running away, that it is not your fault or responsibly, and that concrete steps are being taken to stop the running. If this is the case, change is possible and is often worth waiting for.

On the other hand, if what you hear is only remorse and promises to do better, there isn't likely to be change in the behavior. You may want to end the relationship.

Read the final part of this article here.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2003. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet (tm)!


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