To see part I of this article,
go here.
Have you ever been with a partner who ran away from you, permanently or
temporarily?
Running from intimacy and from the other person is very common and happens in
most relationships at various maturation points. This article will be of great
use to you no matter what kind of a relationship you are in.
Here is the second half of the list of ten steps to follow when your partner
runs from you and the relationship:
6. Communicate
If you have stood still and done nothing to chase down your partner or to run
away in reaction and still nothing has changed, it is time to communicate.
Communicate only if you can be calm, cool, and collected. Again, communicate
only if you can be calm, cool and collected. If you get intense and emotional
toward a person who has run away, he or she will simply run further and
faster.
Here is what you want to communicate:
** Does he realize he has run away?
** Did you do something to contribute to the running away?
** Would she like to talk about what's going on?
Here is what you don't want to communicate:
** You miss him or her, especially terribly.
** You are in love with him or her.
** You would be very sad -- or worse, distraught -- if the relationship was
over.
** You will do anything to save the relationship.
Such sentiments are more likely to drive your partner even further away.
7. Take care of yourself
When your partner has run away, your first line of defense should be
self-care. Self-care is a series of actions that make you feel ok again, like
talking to others, journaling, exercising, sleeping, getting a massage, etc.
Do as many activities as necessary for you to feel whole and ok as much of the
time as possible. This will help you tolerate the situation with grace and
patience.
8. Run away a little yourself
If nothing has changed yet and your partner still has not returned, run away a
little yourself. This of course applies only if the person is still around in
some way, mostly in a marriage or long-term relationship.
Do not run away as a way to play games or have an impact, but do so to express
your feelings. Get in touch with how you feel about your partner running away.
Does your partner's behavior make you want to be nicer to him or her, cook
dinner for him or her, do yard work, etc.? Does your partner's behavior make
you want to spend free time with him or her?
I would guess the answer to these questions is no. Most people do not
genuinely want to be around partners who have run away from them. But most
people feel compelled to create closeness to encourage their partners to come
back. However, intimacy in this case will encourage complacency or worst..
Nothing will change because nothing is wrong. Or more running will happen
because there is too much intimacy.
9. Decide to stay or move on
If the person left the relationship and does not come back, give it a little
time. Grieve the relationship and then move on and find someone else who wants
to be with you more and wants to run less.
If you are in a marriage or long-term relationship and the person has ran away
emotionally or intimacy-wise, but is still present in other ways, give it a
good amount of time to see if something changes. If there is no change, make a
decision about whether you can live with how things are. If not, leave.
10. What to do if this happens repeatedly
If the leaving/coming back-cycle repeats over and over again in your
relationship, you undoubtedly feel like a yo-yo. You need to stop how the
cycle affects you, if not the cycle itself.
If you have just started the relationship and the person is already running
away and coming back repeatedly, you may want to end the relationship. To have
this at the beginning of the relationship foreshadows how poorly it will
likely turn out.
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