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Rinatta Paries: What To Do When Your Partner Runs, Part 3

Rinatta Paries,  Relationship Coach

To see part 1 of this article, go here.

Are you dating or in a relationship with someone who ran away and has now returned? Or is your partner still running and you are hoping he or she will return to you and the relationship soon? Either way, you know the road back to a good relationship begins with your partner returning or no longer running. But that truly is just the beginning.

In order for your relationship to work again, to satisfy, and to make both of you happy, trust and passion need to be rebuilt. Hurt feelings need to be soothed. Indiscretions or outright hurtful behavior needs to be forgiven. There is work to be done -- and if it's done right, it will be worth it to you both.

Here is your "how and what to do" list to get your relationship back to where you want it to be...or perhaps even better.

What To Do Immediately After Your Partner Tells You He or She Has Come Back or Has Stopped Running
Note: Hopefully your partner has come back with little or no prompting from you. If this is not the case, it is likely he or she will run away again, and will need to come back of his or her own will.

Do not take your partner back right away. Wait for him or her to convince you to get back into the relationship. Do not be convinced by emotional appeals. Be convinced by your partner's solid understanding of what happened to cause him or her to run away and now to return, and what will be done differently in the future. This information should come easily, not through a lot of processing to create this understanding. It must come from within in order to stick.

If your partner does not understand and/or cannot articulate why he or she ran away and has come back, then either call it quits or get help understanding and articulating what happened through therapy, coaching, religious counseling, etc. If the two of you go back into the relationship without understanding what happened, it will fall apart again very shortly.

Here are some additional points for specific types of relationships:

New Relationship/Casually Dating:
If your partner ran away to a former partner, take it as a warning sign, no matter what is said when your partner returns. Additionally, know that a new relationship with a running partner is likely to end up in a breakup unless there is a darn good reason why the person ran away and has now come back.

Committed Dating/Newlyweds:
If your partner ran away because of fear of intimacy, find out what kind of personal or emotional work or breakthroughs have occurred to allow him or her to tolerate more intimacy.

Seasoned Marriage/Relationship:
Make sure your partner tells you what you need to change in your behavior to prevent him or her from running again. There may not be a need for change, but the conversation about the change is necessary to understand what happened.

On the Verge of Breakup:
Go very, very slowly together. Do not make any sudden leaps into intimacy because that will create sudden leaps away from each other.

How to Tell if Your Partner Has Come Back for Good
There is no magic test that tells whether or not your partner has come back for good. In some way, after being reasonably convinced the relationship will work this time, you have to take a risk with your heart. You want it to be a smart risk.

This is why you need to enter and rebuild the relationship slowly, by being only as close as you are comfortable. In fact, you may find yourself torn most of the time. One part of you will want to rush into the relationship because you have missed your partner and want to get back to normal. But the other part of you will be holding back both trust and love until you feel safe.

Trust this second part and give it time. If you partner has truly returned, he or she will understand you need time and positive actions to become convinced the relationship will actually work.

More Rinatta Paries:


How to Rebuild Trust, Passion, and Ultimately the Relationship
In addition to the passage of time, the following actions will rebuild your trust and good feelings toward one another, and will make your relationship better than it was before.

* Talk about the past
Each of you should talk about all aspects of what happened to your relationship. Talk about your feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Listen to each other. Talk about this as often as you need to, until the subject no longer comes up.

* Full disclosure/checking in
Each of you should initiate frequent conversations about how you are feeling about the relationship now. This will prevent any bad feelings from building up, will short-circuit your partner's desire to run, and diminish any fear on your part.

* Good experiences together
Each of you should consistently create or plan good, fun experiences together. Fun and joy reignite love.

* Intimacy
You should resume physical intimacy. If either one of you has a problem with this or is not interested, give it time. But, if time does not resolve the issue, seek help. No romantic relationship can survive without physical intimacy.

Do you have other questions about what to do when your partner has run away or has just returned? Read the first two articles in this series located here.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2003. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet (tm)!


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