To see part 1 of this article,
go here.
Are you dating or in a relationship with someone who ran away and has now
returned? Or is your partner still running and you are hoping he or she will
return to you and the relationship soon? Either way, you know the road back to
a good relationship begins with your partner returning or no longer running.
But that truly is just the beginning.
In order for your relationship to work again, to satisfy, and to make both of
you happy, trust and passion need to be rebuilt. Hurt feelings need to be
soothed. Indiscretions or outright hurtful behavior needs to be forgiven.
There is work to be done -- and if it's done right, it will be worth it to you
both.
Here is your "how and what to do" list to get your relationship back to where
you want it to be...or perhaps even better.
What To Do Immediately After Your Partner Tells You He or She Has Come Back or
Has Stopped Running
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Note: Hopefully your partner has come back with little or no prompting from
you. If this is not the case, it is likely he or she will run away again, and
will need to come back of his or her own will.
Do not take your partner back right away. Wait for
him or her to convince you to get back into the relationship. Do not be
convinced by emotional appeals. Be convinced by your partner's solid
understanding of what happened to cause him or her to run away and now to
return, and what will be done differently in the future. This information
should come easily, not through a lot of processing to create this
understanding. It must come from within in order to stick.
If your partner does not understand and/or cannot articulate why he or she ran
away and has come back, then either call it quits or get help understanding
and articulating what happened through therapy, coaching, religious
counseling, etc. If the two of you go back into the relationship without
understanding what happened, it will fall apart again very shortly.
Here are some additional points for specific types
of relationships:
New Relationship/Casually Dating:
If your partner ran away to a former partner, take it as a warning sign, no
matter what is said when your partner returns. Additionally, know that a new
relationship with a running partner is likely to end up in a breakup unless
there is a darn good reason why the person ran away and has now come back.
Committed Dating/Newlyweds:
If your partner ran away because of fear of intimacy, find out what kind of
personal or emotional work or breakthroughs have occurred to allow him or her
to tolerate more intimacy.
Seasoned Marriage/Relationship:
Make sure your partner tells you what you need to change in your behavior to
prevent him or her from running again. There may not be a need for change, but
the conversation about the change is necessary to understand what happened.
On the Verge of Breakup:
Go very, very slowly together. Do not make any sudden leaps into intimacy
because that will create sudden leaps away from each other.
How to Tell if Your Partner Has Come Back for Good
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There is no magic test that tells whether or not your partner has come back
for good. In some way, after being reasonably convinced the relationship will
work this time, you have to take a risk with your heart. You want it to be a
smart risk.
This is why you need to enter and rebuild the relationship slowly, by being
only as close as you are comfortable. In fact, you may find yourself torn most
of the time. One part of you will want to rush into the relationship because
you have missed your partner and want to get back to normal. But the other
part of you will be holding back both trust and love until you feel safe.
Trust this second part and give it time. If you partner has truly returned, he
or she will understand you need time and positive actions to become convinced
the relationship will actually work.
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