Often the best way to learn something is from
other's mistakes -
- especially others who may now be living a life you want. And that means that
if you're single, there's a lot to be learned from those who are in a loving
relationship, particularly when it comes to dating.
Today you'll learn the most common mistakes singles make while dating. These
have been shared with me by those clients who have been on the front line of
dating and are now in healthy, loving, long-term relationships. There are some
mistakes that may seem obvious when you look back, but can be completely
invisible when you are in the thick of things.
1. Hiding who you are to fit into a relationship
Hiding who you are takes a ton of energy. You can only suppress your emotions,
reactions, and needs for so long. Eventually -- and sooner rather than later
-- the real you will start showing up and shocking the person you are with.
Once you are in a healthy loving relationship, you will realize you started to
attract your right partner precisely when you decided you were good enough to
never hide again.
2. Confusing the trappings of love for real love
The trappings of love can be disguised as frequent phone calls from your date,
his or her desire to see you and be with you, the arrival of flowers, cards,
compliments, poems, and over-the- top attention. All of these can be mistaken
for love. They may make you feel loved and wanted, as if you had found the
right mate.
Once you are in a healthy loving relationship, you will realize that these
trappings did not necessarily mean the person was in love with you. These are
simply a few ways people express like, desire, attraction, and yes, love.
These are also ways people behave out of habit, to be nice, to be liked,
because they think they should, because they get caught up in the moment. Real
love shows itself in more powerful ways, such as friendship, support,
acceptance, and communication, and uses the trappings of love as the icing on
the cake.
3. Blaming relationship mishaps on the other
person
Let's say the relationship goes south. There is a bad argument or even a
breakup, and all you can see is how the other person caused the problem. Sound
familiar?
Once you are in a healthy, loving relationship, you will realize your role is
at least 50 percent of everything that happens in the relationship. You play
this role either actively, by choices you make, or passively, by choices you
fail to make.
4. Not allowing time to heal between relationships
Ok, so you are out of a relationship. You hate being alone. You are hurt. You
hate not having someone to share your life with. You find a new person and get
into a relationship. But are you available to love a new person? Are you ready
for a new relationship?
Once you are in a healthy loving relationship, you will realize love deserves
grieving and you deserve time to learn from a failed relationship. You will
realize being alone is not a punishment, nor is it torture. It is a gift of
getting to know yourself. And you will realize your ability to be alone is
what gives you the strength to create a loving relationship.
5. Attraction means you are meant to be together
You feel attracted, drawn to someone, and he or she to you. The relationship
is obviously meant to be, especially if there are many commonalities between
the two of you. This is even more so if you were brought together in an
unusual, fateful sort of way.
Once you are in a healthy loving relationship, you will realize these
encounters were meant to be all right, but not necessarily in a way you
thought. Most times, such encounters bring lessons, not loving relationships.
True love more often than not reveals the fateful aspect later in the
relationship, when you no longer need the evidence that you are meant to be
together.
Read Part 2 of this article here.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
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