Every now and then a
quarrel breaks out down at the barber shop, lines are drawn,
challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very
few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is
the greatest sport ever?
Some say "football". Some say "baseball". Canadians say "hockey". The
rest of the world says "soccer". (Actually, they say "football",
too...but they mean "soccer". I say: "kissing". Yes, kissing is the
greatest sport ever. Allow me to recount just a few of the reasons.
Kissing is a very versatile sport. There are so many kisses - at least
one for each occasion. There is the peck on the cheek kiss, the peck
on each cheek kiss, the peck on your nephew's cheek kiss while
grabbing the other cheek flab with your hand, the madly passionate
kiss, the kiss on the hand, the kiss of death, the "Hey you! Kiss
this!", and even the town of Kissimmee (founded by early Italian
pioneer kissers) in Florida.
Kissing is easy to transport. It really doesn't matter where you are.
You can kiss: at the gym, in the boardroom, in the space shuttle, even
in Alaska from June through September.
Kissing requires very little equipment, meaning you can do it even
when unprepared, and even when you have to travel light. This makes it
the ideal participation sport for businessmen, world travelers and
Kissing always livens things up. Try this: the next time you are in a
booooring meeting that seems to last foreeeeever, why not just kiss
somebody. See how it livens things up?
Kissing is legal in all 50 states and most countries. Rumors are
circulating that kissing will even be legalized soon on Mars, Jupiter
and in Afghanistan.
Kissing is 100% biodegradable, so when you kiss somebody, you help the
Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as long as you are not
Kissing is non toxic...unless you kiss somebody who has just swallowed
a bottle of Drano. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long as you
avoid the mouth area.
Kissing is non-fattening. This is perhaps the best news of all,
because now dieters have something to keep their mouths busy while not
eating, and smokers can quit smoking without having to chew candies
until they a) need to diet or b) induce diabetes. (Read the headline:
"Kissing prevents diabetes")
Kissing is organic, low in sodium, preservative-free, low in saturated
fats and does not contain dozens of delicious ingredients that cannot
be pronounced, like javelchromopntheoremicherbicidic acid.
Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who am I to stifle your
sense of adventure.
You can kiss just about everyone: your boyfriend, your aunt, your
wife, your veterinarian, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand
Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Don't try kissing them all at the same
time, though...especially not your boyfriend and your wife.
Kissing meets the toughest safety regulations of any national or
international sporting organization. Kissing has a tremendous safety
record, except for the occasional locked braces. But a quick call for
a AAA tow truck fixes that problem (CAA in Canada, AA in the UK, the
local plumber in France)
The only recorded deaths involving kissing are by third parties,
usually wives, husbands, spurned lovers and other spectators who
somehow get past security and storm onto the playing field.
There are a few kisses we recommend you avoid. These are often
referred to as "extreme kissing". Don't kiss an on-duty sumo wrestler;
it is considered dangerous. Don't kiss a metal fence- post in sub-zero
weather; readers in northern climates know exactly what I mean. Don't
kiss any electrical outlets. Don't kiss the vacuum cleaner if you want
to retain all your vital organs. It's OK to kiss sandpaper, just don't
use your tongue. Don't kiss a chainsaw; we feel this one is
self-explanatory. And don't kiss your office manager while on
duty...unless you happen to be a work-from-home hermit like me.
But overall, kissing is so great that it makes baseball, hockey,
football and soccer seem like bush league sports. Next time you hear a
brawl at your local barbershop, just go in and give everyone a kiss. I
guarantee that you will win the argument hands down. And if not, at
least you will make some new friends to argue with.